Thread by @gaialect

you have to romanticize your life. stroll into barnes & noble & go straight to the philosophy aisle. act like you know what you’re doing. pick up a book by jean paul sartre & squint at it. open it. close it. open, squint at the page again. you’re really into it. yes sell it.

sell it because you’re being watched. yes because you’re the main character everyones watching you. twirl a strand of your hair. now stop twirling. don’t let go of it though. okay look up as if you’re in deep thought. okay thoughts over twirl the hair again. okay release it.

now sigh because you simply do not agree with him. you simply feel there is more to life than being and nothingness. put the book down. squint at karl marx. smirk at him. trail your finger across the books you are not going to buy yes just like that. okay check your watch.

i know you have an iphone that tells time but you need a watch. you’re the main character check your fucking watch. it’s only been 60 seconds of performance holy shit you’re exhausted okay. don’t panic. walk slowly towards the poetry section. yes. saunter towards it even.

pick up milk & honey, open it. shake your head. scoff and say “that’s silly”, put it back on the shelf. grab salt by nayyirah waheed. hold it close to your chest remembering the greatness. put it back on the shelf. slowly walk away again. yes to the fantasy section.

grab a court of thorns and roses yes, twirl your hair again. open your eyes wide because you just realized it’s erotica about a human girl getting fairy dick. close the book. smile to yourself. yes. really sell it. all of the sudden you too want fairy dick. put the book back.

check your watch yes. oh pretend to be shocked so much time has passed! it’s really been 10 minutes but it’s okay. time is an illusion when you’re the main character. look around hesitantly as if looking to make eye contact with the stranger that’s been watching you all along.

now stretch. now reach into your bag & pull out hand sanitizer. yes give the impression you’re responsible and care about your health yes squirt that shit yeah rub your hands okay. two claps to really get the oxygen in there to dry it & put it back in your bag. now walk quickly.

to the starbucks barista yes walk there. before you arrive though dip into an aisle & put your sunglasses on. sunglasses are needed for this role. now walk to the register & ask if they have oat milk. he said no, grin. yes smile at him, maniacally & slowly remove your glasses.

as you say, “almond will do”. order your skinny tall naked foam vanilla latte idk what the fuck you know those complicated orders. just make it up, that’s what everyone else does. they make it up as they go. name every ingredient you can think of.

then walk to the pick up area with your nose held high. yes. you are too good for this place but also? right at home. a sense of superiority radiates from you but also? insecurity. the cute kind. check your watch bitch damn. okay. your drink is ready. don’t take the straw.

tell him you’re saving the turtles. turn on your heels & strut the fuck out of there. yes feel proud. you wasted everyones time even your own a bit but you’re not mad about it. why? because you have this drink now. so drink up while you drive home.

i cannot believe i’m this bored at work oh my god😂😂😂 HELP WHY DID I WRITE THIS DHSJDJDJ

if you must know my favorite part to write was the “clap twice after hand sanitizer”. i wasn’t even sure if other people did that but i do. it sounds so childish but i swear it dries my hands faster so idc. anyways y’all clearly love to read… i will write more silliness one day.