CONSERVATIVES: “We believe in liberty and personal freedom!!”
QUEERS: “Great! We’ll marry the people we want, then.”
CONS: “No, you can’t do that.”
TRANS FOLKS: “We’ll identify as a gender other than that assigned at birth!”
CONS: “Absolutely not.”
QUEERS: “Great! We’ll marry the people we want, then.”
CONS: “No, you can’t do that.”
TRANS FOLKS: “We’ll identify as a gender other than that assigned at birth!”
CONS: “Absolutely not.”
QUEERS: “Okay, so… what kind of liberty and freedom do you mean, then?”
CONS: “Well, religious freedom!”
MUSLIMS: “Great! That means a lot to us.”
CONS: “NOT YOUR RELIGION!!!”
CONS: “Well, religious freedom!”
MUSLIMS: “Great! That means a lot to us.”
CONS: “NOT YOUR RELIGION!!!”
MUSLIMS: “Hrm. Ok… that doesn’t seem very free to us.”
CONS: “Wait, we meant freedom to conduct business.”
BUSINESS OWNERS: “Cool, I’m going to refuse to serve unvaccinated people. And everyone has to wear masks.”
CONS: “Noooo! You can’t! That’s illegal discrimination!”
CONS: “Wait, we meant freedom to conduct business.”
BUSINESS OWNERS: “Cool, I’m going to refuse to serve unvaccinated people. And everyone has to wear masks.”
CONS: “Noooo! You can’t! That’s illegal discrimination!”
BLACK FOLKS: “Glad to hear you oppose discrimination, how about more laws against it?”
CONS: “The government shouldn’t tell people what they can and can’t say.”
BLACK FOLKS: “Cool, we have some important history we’d like to teach kids.”
CONS: “THAT’S ILLEGAL NOW.”
CONS: “The government shouldn’t tell people what they can and can’t say.”
BLACK FOLKS: “Cool, we have some important history we’d like to teach kids.”
CONS: “THAT’S ILLEGAL NOW.”
STUDENTS: “Since you agree laws should preserve a safe learning environment, you’ll be on board with our protests against objectionable speakers on campus!”
CONSERVATIVES: “That’s illegal too! Cancel culture! Free speech!”
CONSERVATIVES: “That’s illegal too! Cancel culture! Free speech!”
EVERYONE: “It’s really unclear at this point. Exactly what kind of liberty and freedom DO you endorse?”
CONSERVATIVES: “Well, like… everyone should be free to carry a gun. That’s in the Constitution.”
GHOSTS OF PHILANDO CASTILE AND TAMIR RICE: “Come. The. Fuck. On.”
CONSERVATIVES: “Well, like… everyone should be free to carry a gun. That’s in the Constitution.”
GHOSTS OF PHILANDO CASTILE AND TAMIR RICE: “Come. The. Fuck. On.”
STUDENTS: “Why is it so important for you to have guns, anyway?”
CONS: “To protect against someone trying to overthrow our democracy!”
CAPITAL POLICE: “You mean like—“
CONS: “That’s different. We need our guns to protect ourselves against government overreach!
CONS: “To protect against someone trying to overthrow our democracy!”
CAPITAL POLICE: “You mean like—“
CONS: “That’s different. We need our guns to protect ourselves against government overreach!
BLACK FOLKS: “Now we’re getting somewhere. Gun rights, government overreach… can we do something about police killing us if they even think we have guns?”
CONS: “Love the police. Love ‘em.”
BLACK FOLKS: “You know they are the government, right?”
CONS: “Love the police. Love ‘em.”
BLACK FOLKS: “You know they are the government, right?”
CONS: “Yeah, but we don’t mean police. We mean, like, jackbooted government thugs who want to break into our houses.”
BLACK FOLKS: “The police LITERALLY wear jackboots and break into our houses.”
CONS: “Yeah, the police are awesome.”
BLACK FOLKS: “The police LITERALLY wear jackboots and break into our houses.”
CONS: “Yeah, the police are awesome.”
EVERYONE: “Ok… this all seems very inconsistent, but at least it seems like you’re super into police. So about those police who were attacked and killed on January 6–“
CONSERVATIVES: “Not those police. Those police can’t be trusted. Crisis actors.”
CONSERVATIVES: “Not those police. Those police can’t be trusted. Crisis actors.”
CONVICTS: “So you admit police can’t always be trusted?”
CONSERVATIVES: “No.”
CONSERVATIVES: “No.”
• • •
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