Thread by @polotek

Every time we have this conversation and the white people show up to say "I don't understand what the problem is", it makes me roll my eyes so hard.

https://twitter.com/unrulynarrator/status/1431437281450242049

I don't talk about my daughter very often on here. Because y'all don't know how to act. But I wanna talk about parenting for a minute.

In the last 6 years or so, I have learned a lot about what makes parenting difficult. And obviously I've become biased when it comes to the way people talk about it and the judgments people make about parents.

All I can say today is that parenting is one of the hardest jobs there is. It's 24/7. You can't walk away from it. The stakes are so high. It's exhausting. It's often thankless. But most importantly, nobody really shows you how to do it.

There are a lot is parenting books. And people are quick to give you their opinions about it. You can get lots of advice from other parents. But none of that actually helps. Because your child is entirely unique. I know that sounds cliche, but I'm trying to say it's very real.

Any parenting book you read, only a quarter of it actually applies to your situation. Any advice you get, maybe your child is like that, maybe they're not. You try a million things looking for the thing that works for you. Eventually you stop listening to other people entirely.

Eventually you accept that the relationship between you and your child is the most intimate and personal relationship. You and your partner are the only ones in the world with the answer to this test. And instead you're learning how to listen and find out who your child is.

And you're gonna find out who you are too. Because your child is going to be the most accurate and painful mirror of who you are. More than you can imagine. I think it's possible to grow a lot as a person through parenting. If you're paying attention.

I think parents have to accept that it's impossible to avoid mistakes. You're gonna mess up. Because this little person is not you. And in fact, they don't know who they are yet. They're gonna learn mostly through their interaction with you. And we are all flawed.

It's also difficult to know how to not harm your child. This is gonna sound bad to some people. But this is where it gets deep. I don't mean abusing them. I mean the parenting choices you're making are going to shape who they are. And you won't find if you did okay until later.

You try to shape them into a person you think they will be proud of (note it's about them and not you). But you can go overboard. Are you doing damage by making them too "tough"? Are you spoiling them beyond reason? Are you sheltering them too much?

I started thinking about these things as folks continue to argue about this. It's a cultural tradition among many Black Americans to teach their children to model respect for elders. Some say this is a problem while others think it's necessary.

https://twitter.com/polotek/status/1431659659513892867?s=19

I'll tell you how I feel about it. Making your child say "yes sir/ma'am" will not be what ruins them. Failing to make them say it will not be what ruins them. But whatever is behind these things for you, whatever drives you to these things, might be what ruins them.

So I'll tell you a small story about Noemi Rose. And it's timely because we made significant progress just today.

She's an active child. She's very physical. She likes to run and jump on top of things and also people.

(No not all children are like this.)

She is cares a lot about people though. She doesn't want to hurt anybody. So we've had to work with her on being mindful of her body and how she uses it. She's not allowed to jump on her Nana (my mom). And she's not allowed to jump on mommy and daddy unless she asks first.

She's not allowed to jump on mommy and daddy's bed either. Not because of some arbitrary rules of the house. The reasons are very practical. We often lay our phones and iPads on the bed. She's going to jump on them and break them one day unless she learns to avoid it.

She often has... stuff on her hands and face. Food, paint, clay, slime, toothpaste. Again, she's 5 and being 5 is a blast. Mommy doesn't like when "stuff" finds it's way onto the pillow where she lays her head. So let's all work together to avoid that.

So no running in and jumping on the bed. All good so far. Now the question is how we enforce this rule. This is what people usually refer to when they say "parenting". We could yell every time it happens. We could levy punishments. We could give up because she's not listening.

All of these are things parents do. And I don't have as much judgment as other people seem to have. Because I don't know their child or their life. I'll come back to that in a minute. So what do we do? Well in our house, we "have a talk". Yes, it is as bougie as it sounds.

First Mommy goes and finds her zen place. That's an important first step. If her and Noemi Rose get into it, that's a wrap. They have the exact same energy when shit gets heavy. And if things escalate, I'm gonna exit the situation and find shelter.

But then, we have a talk.

"Come here sweetie. Remember we talked about what can happen when you jump on the bed?"

This may be the 6437th time having this talk. But it goes the same way. Consistency is key.

Then we go through the excuses.

"I didn't do it on purpose!" I know sweetie. You're not in trouble.

"My hands are not dirty!" Are you sure? Go wash them.

"I didn't see your iPad!" Here it is right here, under the blanket.

This is where we listen and find out how we're doing at parenting. Because the key question is does she give a shit that she could've messed something up? If she doesn't, then "let's have a talk" isn't gonna work for you. You need to try something else.

If she hasn't learned to care about taking care of people's things, that's not a failure. You're not a terrible parent. It just means she's still growing. It means she might be a person who's a little inconsiderate. It means you'll probably have to keep your iPad somewhere else.

Trying to have the talk when she hasn't decided to care will only stress you and her out. It becomes a ritual that doesn't provide any value and can become a negative dynamic in your relationship. But if it works, then it can become a way for you to grow closer.

So today we had a little win. I'm laying in the bed trying to pretend I can sleep in. Noemi runs in and jumps on the bed. I heard her coming down the hall, so I'm not surprised. But I noticed there was a delay first.

Then she says "Daddy look! I paid attention and looked around first. There's no iPad on the bed."

She gets to jump on the bed. But she's learning how to do so responsibly. She understands there's a reason for the rules. Saturday morning parenting win. Lots of celebration.

Now I don't wanna close by patting myself on the back. Instead I wanna talk about why I'm not going around saying this is "right" way to parent. This is a nice story about how I think we got it right with Noemi Rose. There are just as many stories about the opposite.

Like I said, my child is unique. And we are flawed humans. So here are some places where "let's have a talk" doesn't work.
- When we promised her something and it turns out she can't have it
- When it's late and she's tired but fighting it

- When mommy and daddy are annoyed with each other. Not enough patience and not working together
- When it comes from Nana. They have a different relationship entirely
- When she's around certain friends who don't experience parenting in this way

So what happens when it doesn't work? Some things you might be familiar with.
- "You're going to bed right now!"
- "Sit on that couch and don't move until I say!"
- "We're not reading your book because you didn't listen!"

All of the things people hate about parenting also exist in our house. But I'm not worried about ruining my child. Because we show up every day to help her understand what's happening and why. Because we shower her with love and make sure she knows that is never going away.

That's all we can do. Show up every day and do your best to be a mirror for our children just as they are a mirror for us. They're gonna grow up to the be the same flawed humans. We cannot avoid that. We can make sure they're not alone and they care about others. That's enough.