Thread by @Raja_Sw

#Thread on grief.
When I got news that my friend had lost his 25-yr old son to Covid in June, I msgd him, saying "I'm here, call me anytime you feel like it".
A few days later, he called.
Spoke for an hour, giving me all details.
Crying most of the time.
I just listened. 1/n

All I kept telling him was "I'm here, anytime you want to share."
He sends me pics every now and then.
"This was on his last birthday."
Or msgs "He would've been 26 today".
He's always apologetic.
"I hope I'm not bothering you with all this".
I keep saying "No, keep sharing". 2/n

I've realised one of the best things is to just be there for a grieving person when (s)he needs you.
Not overbearing, but letting that person know you're there.
Ppl are sensitive ki "apna dukhda leke auron ko bore nahin karna hai".
They shd feel ok abt it.
They're grieving. 3/n

A lot of well-meaning ppl give gyaan that just doesn't work.
"Don't think too much about it".
"Arrey, it's already 3 months, how long will you be in this frame of mind?".
Thing is, every person is different, and has his/her own way to deal with grief.
There are no rules. 4/n

I learnt a lot from when my wife passed away all those years ago.
I got a lot of this gyaan too. :-)
None of it worked.
"Don't think too much about it".
Hello?
I'm supposed to drive them away?
How?
WHY?
I don't WANT to.
So I just let them come, and go, at will.
Felt better.
5/n

I realised, just cos someone isn't physically around, it doesn't mean the person has to spend less time in your mind.
Yes, today it's painful cos of the physical absence - but over time, the person finds his/her sweet place forever.
And it hurts less.
Still hurts - but less.
6/n

Then this "time limit" for grieving.
"3 months ho gaye".
SO WHAT?
My loss, only I know what I feel.
I'll spend as much time as I want processing it.
Just leave me alone - and don't judge me pls.
If you came out of your grief in a month or two, great.
I'm not you. 7/n

I remember shutting myself off for a long time.
Just didn't feel like talking to ANYONE.
Even well-meaning ppl.
The problem wasn't them, it was just that I wanted to be alone with my thoughts.
I wouldn't answer calls, I didn't want to hear any voice.
Gradually, I opened up.
8/n

I had friends who I knew I could call on.
I also went through this "I don't want to disturb them with my dukhda, they have their own problems in life".
So I didn't call.
But one day I couldn't take it anymore.
Called a friend at 4.30 pm.
He said "come home right now".
9/n

I went over - and had a looong chat with him.
Him and his wife.
Had dinner at their place.
Left only at 11.30 pm.
Felt much lighter that evening on return.
THAT is what helped me.
Ppl being there in your time of need.
This is what I pay forward now.
Just being there.
10/n

It took a long time for me.
Every now and then, I'd break down.
Mostly privately, but once publicly in a shop.
It was my first Diwali without her.
I didn't even know there were tears rolling down my cheeks - the cashier asked me "You ok?"
Not ashamed to admit any of this.
11/n

But though it took time, it DID get better.
Over time, the pain transformed into sweet memories.
It didn't hurt the way it used to earlier.
It was like "Am sure she's in a better place now. I'm going to meet her there one day." :-)
Took a while - but I DID come out of it.
12/n

In the last year, we've seen SO many grieving.
I often say "may you have strength to cope w/ this".
I know it's a cliché - but what I needed in my time was just this strength.
And sometimes "I'm here if you want to share".
Bas.
Baaki, let the person grieve in his/her way.
13/13

The main thing is, being there for someone in his/her time of grief.
I've found LISTENING a very underrated attribute. Just listen when the person is speaking - it takes a load off that person's heart. Don't give gyaan, just listen.
I was lucky to have people who listened.

I wouldn't be too harsh on well-meaning ppl who struggle in offering condolences.
On hearing my news, one friend told me "Sorry, Raja, shit happens".
I didn't think much about it.
Months later, he profusely apologised to me - "What a terrible thing to say! I'm SO sorry."
It's ok.