1/ All righty, folks, let's sit down a moment, collect our breath and address the volcanic right-wing pants-crapping currently brought on by Biden's announcement of various vaccine mandates. For starters, good job, guys! You're doing that thing where you absolutely freak out...
2/ ...and throw around words like "tyranny" and "Marxism" and whatever else you found in the "Modern Conservative's Inaccurate Scare-Word-of-the-Day Calendar" you bought in the gift shop at Mar-a-Lago when you were there hoping to get a whiff of one of Donald Trump's farts.
3/ Rather than actually taking a moment to reflect on, you know, all the people dying and whatnot, you all are Pavlov's-dogging it right to "BIDEN DID A SOCIALISM ON ME!!!" bullsh*t, which only serves to raise the blood pressure of your already COVID-infected base.
4/ You'll now say this is the end of the Biden administration, and tell people to take to the streets, and blabber about civil war coming or whatever other pseudo-end-times cosplay makes you feel like big boys, knowing full-well you're: a) fully vaccinated; and b) a chicken...
5/ ...who can barely stand the heat of a mean tweet much less march two city blocks without getting winded. So you wail, impotently, and then along comes your true enemy: facts.
6/ And here's a fact that hoists you're gurgling "MANDATES ARE COMMUNIMUNIMUNIMISMS!!" nonsense into the crapper and hits "flush": The latest Kaiser Family Foundation data shows 75% of adult Americans have gotten at least one COVID vaccine shot.
7/ You know what that means, MAGA-warrior? That means this ain't the losing issue you so desperately want to believe it is. That means most Americans trust their doctors over a sweaty pillow salesman who couldn't find a corner in a 3-foot-square room.
8/ That means most people out there have brains enough to rattle and will breathe little sighs of relief when they know they can go most places without having to worry about willfully ignorant doofuses overcompensating for *something* by bragging about their immune systems...
9/ ...and saying crap like "I HAVE MY FREEDOMS!" while completely disregarding how much their harebrained performative bunk might hurt other human beings. You were never going to win on the vaccine issue. Or on the mask issue. It's all so patently stupid, so regressive, so...
10/ ...goddam exhausting to those of us who have just been trying like hell to keep our families healthy, that it's done nothing but brand you as anti-science loons, which you are. It was always a matter of time before it came down to: you can get the vaccine and work, or you...
11/ ...can not get the vaccine and open up that Etsy store you've always dreamed of and live down by the river in your Ford Focus. When Americans watch 600,000+ friends and neighbors and family members die, the folks on the side of dying ain't gonna win, pals. It's game over.
12/ So you can continue soiling your trousers and roaring your terrible roars and gnashing your terrible teeth and spreading your terrible Ivermectin on toast with jam or whatever it is you do to make yourself feel superior to all the sheep and libs and antifas and such.
13/ But the rest of us are tired. Real f*cking tired. And we're glad to see a president acting like a grownup and telling people to get their acts together so we can move past this nightmare and just go to work or go to the store or worry a little less about our kids.
14/ Stupid never cured anything, and that's all you've got to offer. No thanks. We're done. Get the vaccine if you want to come along. Otherwise, stay behind and start busking right-wing protest songs. We'll give you a tin can. Bite me. END
p.s. I apologize for the "you're" that should be a "your" and any other typos. I will spend the remainder of the evening in my Shame Circle.
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