"I don't understand why he broke up with me but married the next girl. What was wrong with me?"

You're not unlovable. You didn't offer what he was looking for. That can happen if he's unhealthy or if you're insecure and don't share who you really are

You might be blocking love.
Most healthy men aren't even really looking for a girlfriend.

They're looking for a wife to build a life with, a woman who will complement the man's life vision and goals by supporting him with kindness, patience, nurturing, and solid principles he can rely on.
If you think you're unlovable, if you're afraid to share who you are, if you think asking for your needs to be met will make him reject you, and if you don't know what he wants because you haven't asked or had a sit-down discussion about expectations,

Healthy men won't know you.
Men are looking for stability, kindness, support, and a above all HONESTY. The kind of patient honesty that tells the truth no matter what. Healthy men rely on that. If you spend your days afraid people will hate you for being honest, healthy men won't trust you.
Even if you really are a wonderful catch, and just want to be a stay at home mom, and are looking for a husband who stays with you for life,

If you're too insecure to speak up and be totally honest, get your needs met, and ask about his needs, you can't be trusted.
The good news is that the moment you learn to share openly about your needs, set relationship expectations, ask about his needs, be honest about everything, and share your principles, you become a solid diamond. Healthy men will be attracted to you. Because you're what they want.
It's not about changing who you are. It's about sharing who you are, and optimizing that version of yourself to be the best you can be.

The kind of man who loves the kind of person you really are will find you. And your honesty and principles will chase away unhealthy men.
You're not unlovable. You just don't believe you deserve love and commitment, and you pick men who treat you the way you expect to be treated.

If you want to read more on this topic, here's an article I wrote: adamlanesmith.com/2020/12/02/ins…

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More from @TheBrometheus

12 Sep
Women with broken attachment believe there is something wrong with them that makes them permanently unlovable. They believe everyone else can see it but not them, they don’t know what’s wrong. They just feel abandoned and unloved.

What would you do if you could never be loved?
When your attachment is broken and you believe you’re innately unloveable, you use any means necessary to earn approval. It’s living based on fear instead of principles.

And it’s not rational because the logical brain is diminished to fuel chronic anxiety in the emotional brain.
Many women in hookup culture believe they’re going to find a meaningful connection. They don’t realize they’re being used for masturbation.
Read 5 tweets
11 Aug
If your approach relies on insulting anyone who doesn’t follow your approach

(“If you don’t agree with me you’re X, Y, and Z”)

you’re using manipulation instead of persuasion. That tells me you’re hunting for short-term gains at the expense of my long-term best interests.
It’s usually couched as moralizing: “If you don’t agree with us you’re evil and you enjoy harming people.”

This sets up the speaker as a super special moral authority. The 3 groups I see use this tactic most are social justice groups, vegan groups, and no-spank parenting groups.
Note that this is MOSTLY a feature of groups. Individual vegans who decide on their own don’t typically treat people this way. But vegan gurus with followings (thus forming a group) who need to build a paying fanbase do. It polarizes their audience and makes them seem important.
Read 5 tweets
31 Jul
In my years as a family therapist, 1 approach worked consistently to get angry and defiant little kids to be loving and obedient:

10-minute sessions EVERY DAY with each child where the parent just asked questions, paid attention, and showed them love.

Stopped so many behaviors.
Some played Go-Fish, some colored pictures, just just sat together. No screens. 10, literally timed on a countdown clock they could both see. Questions and questions with no advice or directions or scolding. Just interviewing with interest as if the parent cared about their child
10 minutes a day with each child turned things around even for families with older kids who were starting to use physical violence against adults to express their anger.

Being treated like they were loved changed their entire behavior pattern. Imagine that.
Read 10 tweets
25 Jul
As @MrsBrometheus and I enter the 2nd trimester with our 4th child, here’s a list of parental DOs and DON’Ts.

DO let your kids fight out their disputes (within reason) so they learn to manage family conflict.

DON’T toss a knife between them and tell them to “play for keeps.”
DO encourage your child to explore the world (in safe environments) without holding your hand so they learn to try new things on their own.

DON’T airdrop your child into the Appalachian wilderness with nothing but a hatchet and instructions to “make me proud.”
DO help them grow beyond imaginary friends by encouraging more real world friends.

DON’T tell them you murdered their imaginary friends so if they see them again it’s a malicious ghost seeking vengeance.
Read 4 tweets
30 Jun
Hollywood trains young people to believe someday they’ll be uplifted from their mediocre lives for being secretly special.

Harry Potter
Lord of the Rings
Star Wars

Magical old wizard saying “Oh hey, sorry I ignored you but you’re special.”

Are you waiting for a wizard?

I started out in poverty with fleas coming in through the walls and rats in the ceiling from dirty neighbors. Food stamps, eating food the gas station threw away. I worked hard at school and improving myself and raised my family above poverty.

No one came to uplift me. I worked.
I worked because I realized no rich relative was going to appear and help me. I wouldn’t win the lottery, and politicians didn’t actually care about helping me. It was entirely on me alone.

I realized my choices were stupid and shortsighted and I had to change and be better.
Read 12 tweets
12 Jun
Few realize that modern culture is a sham invented in the 1950s and 60s by the CIA to combat Communism with a false rennaissance.

Sounds sketchy? Follow me down the rabbit hole. newyorker.com/magazine/2005/…
When WWII ended, the West was left horrified by the growing threat of communism in Russia. And Americans as former British colonists had always felt looked down upon by Europeans for being backwater hicks without sophistication. Look up the lyrics to Yankee Doodle Dandy.
Russia at the time was spreading propaganda about how fantastic communism could be. Their old culture and architecture had blossomed into a new renaissance from 1880 to 1950. They looked like a cultural powerhouse. America saw this as a problem. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Russian_R…
Read 15 tweets

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