Thread by @IndigenousX

*TW: mentions of abuse
I hv long been concerned about the little discussion, awareness and training on psychological & emotional domestic abuse and its devastating impacts on victims.
In many of the worst abusive relationships, physical violence is minor or barely present (1/16)

In Aus, 1 woman a week is killed by an intimate partner; Aboriginal women 40x more likely. These stats worryingly tell us it's not the predator lurking down back alleys women should fear, but the men they fall in love with. Criminalisation of coercive control is critical (2/16)

As the family of Hannah Clarke said after she was burnt alive by her ex-husband along with her three beautiful children; "Hannah never thought it was because he never hit her." However, the family had long seen many red flags. (3/16)

It is difficult, almost impossible, for victims to see it as abuse as it is insidious and perpetrators deal in cycles of love bombing, covert devaluing, isolation & persecution - which slowly chips away at self-worth. (4/16)

Devaluing involves withdrawing displays of love; making the victims behaviour the focus of the relationship 'problems' that are always manufactured & always involve the perpetrator constructing falsehoods around making themselves appear as either the victim or the hero. (5/16)

Love bombing is usually public and ensures victims stay by acting as intermittent reinforcement & creating a 'trauma bond'. Perpetrators manipulate a persona of appearing kind, loving & dutiful while the victim is set up to appear emotionally fragile via the abuse cycle. (6/16)

Over time, perpetrators often appear healthier in a relationship while the victim appears more unwell. There is a high risk of secondary abuse by police & systems, as it's easy to believe the problem lies with the victim because their symptoms are so clear. (7/16)

Clinicians must err on the side of caution when it comes to assessing for psychological and emotional abuse in relationship counselling. They can unwittingly become triangulated into enabling abuse via the perpetrator’s aptitude for cognitive empathy & victim gaslighting. (8/16)

I've had so many victims of psychological & emotional violence tell me they've lost count of how many times people have told them what a 'nice bloke' their abusive ex partners are. The carefully constructed false mask that rarely drops. (9/16)

Isolation from family and other supports occurs at the same time. This is insidious (example: the subtle pointing out of 'faults' in family & friends). The perpetrator becomes the only one who truly loves them for all of their 'faults'. (10/16)

It's no surprise perpetrators surround themselves with two types of people; enablers or tongue biters, who, regardless of how awful the perpetrator's behaviour is, will hero worship them and quickly demonise the victim - usually family members. (11/16)

Many psychological aspects to isolation but it's mostly about control & domination. When you limit access to others, there's no normalcy yardstick; no one to help victims name insidious behaviours as abuse, and abuse unchecked will escalate. (12/16)

A victim's pain is an abuser's narcissistic supply. (13/16)

So important others are turned into this pattern. The crucial 1st step is the naming & validation of their abuse. The best advice from one victim, "Never give up on us. We need to find a safety net while our mind catches up with telling us we have the strength to leave." (14/16)

There is also, very sadly, significant shame in being a victim of abuse. Societal judgement and attribution of blame for not leaving or mostly not understanding the long-term psychological impacts of it certainly don't help. (15/16)

As a victim of significant psychological abuse once put it;

"If my psychological scars were physical, I would, quite frankly, be beaten to a pulp."

Lifeline 131114 can put you in touch with local shelters. (16/16)