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kilgore trout, ron desantis spokesperson Profile picture
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17 Sep, 18 tweets, 5 min read
last night after midnight the spokesperson for ron desantis had eight or nine wines and tried to dunk on me for a nine month old tweet and she got trapped in a”you mad bro” feedback loop and disappeared and I am still dying I love this website
anyway I am now the spokesperson for ron desantis and I ask you direct all questions about why his state is a national embarrassment to me
I know I’m gonna field this question a lot so let me get it out of the way right out of the gate: “the governor adores president trump and in no way *STAGE COUGH* does he hope desperately every day that president trump drop dead so the governor can win the nomination *WINK*”
we have been going gas station to gas station up & down the route 1 corridor looking for where we are supposed to go for it
citizens have nothing to fear, we have an unlimited supply of therapeutic shitposting after midnight and glowing profiles in national review and the washington examiner
graphs go in up and down directions all the time, the governor would like to see you print a graph of antifa profits off CRT textbooks
the governor adores donald trump and has even sent him a new tea set for mar a lago
the governor has a healthy immune system and has done his own research
ICU stands for international cabal of unamericanism, our hospitals are doing great
we’re putting matt gaetz in charge of drafting an exploratory committee, we understand he is a regular at the bar and has been scouting some great recruits coming out of high school
the governor has a standing policy to leave the state any time the tide is destroying florida
oh so finally florida beats california at something and now it’s a bad thing
the governor is looking very strongly into this and maintains his position that parents should have the right to choose to let their children die of and spread preventable diseases like the patriots who founded this country
uh oh it’s wine o’clock in the governor’s mansion
you can’t have your job back after giving it to me christina
the governor’s ability to sniff out godless libs is a superpower that is active at all times
the governor’s bold decision to deploy officers 1,000 miles away is a reflection of his confidence in florida hospitals to manage themselves without government interference in the midst of an oxygen shortage somehow caused by immigrants in texas
the governor is a busy man and due to repeated scheduling disruptions we respectfully ask reporters to refrain from jangling their car keys and asking “who wants to go for a ride who’s a good boy” in all press events moving forward

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More from @KT_So_It_Goes

kilgore trout, ron desantis spokesperson Profile picture
17 Sep
the biggest loser energy you have ever seen
harper & wheeler & JT deserve to go play someplace where they’re not surrounded by absolute petulant losers and constantly forced to pretend they’re not miserable about it while cloaking a really shitty team in a veneer of perplexing mediocrity
there will never be a better opportunity to unload this contract and give the dude a chance to play for an organization that doesn’t suck from top to bottom and needs its third rebuild in ten years
Read 4 tweets
kilgore trout, ron desantis spokesperson Profile picture
15 Sep
every one of these jokes is a masterclass in writing and delivery. you can hear them thirty times and they’re never less funny.
if you want some perspective on exactly how good this material/delivery combo is, try to imagine jimmy fallon doing the same lines without groaning
that mid-to-late 90’s snl class shaped so much of my sense of humor growing up & my outlook in general. I cannot imagine who I would be without them. just a remarkable collection of different talents. norm was my favorite & I catch myself doing a form of his deadpan daily
Read 4 tweets
kilgore trout, ron desantis spokesperson Profile picture
14 Sep
here is the problem: if he feels compelled enough to strip the CINC out of the chain so he can’t nuke portland or something, he needs to feel equally compelled to park his ass before congress an hour later to share that information quite publicly. this can’t come out on his terms
I agree with cutting a very clearly deranged trump out of the loop. but when BOB WOODWARD is the way this info goes public, NINE MONTHS LATER, you’ve created a tidy little cover-up that is ripe for repeat performance
general milley is strongly suggesting that had bob woodward or some other character not chanced by looking for juicy nuggets, the american people were never to be told that whoops he just usurped the chain of command & went on serving & never felt compelled to mention this?
Read 9 tweets
kilgore trout, ron desantis spokesperson Profile picture
14 Sep
this freeze frame of a disheveled michael tracey ranting on the sidewalk holding some sort of james bond antenna suitcase as a garbage truck drives by is my only friend in the world
have spent ten fruitless minutes googling “antenna briefcase” and “suitcase karaoke” trying to decipher this mystery
my best guess is he cut a hole in a briefcase and shoved an old boom box with a whip antenna in there
Read 4 tweets
kilgore trout, ron desantis spokesperson Profile picture
14 Sep
because if a tenth of them die, they still have 90% left to sell junk cures and covid contrarianism to. but if 90% of them get the vaccine, they don’t need to buy any more own-the-libs covid solutions
it’s extremely icky to consider but if the biden admin wanted to end vaccine hesitancy, they’d cut a bunch of off-the-record deals with right wing media to buy hundreds of thousands of fake subscriptions to shops like wex & the federalist in exchange for a pro-vax editorial slant
I am about 95% sure this is the loophole GOPers have been exploiting for years to funnel money from PACs directly into RW media without leaving a trace: just buy fake subscriptions
Read 6 tweets
kilgore trout, ron desantis spokesperson Profile picture
13 Sep
this is the ivermectin story - not ivermectin, but how it’s just a plug-and-play monetized industry that is driven by forces vastly larger than a bunch of dopes with facebook poisoning eating horse paste. until this becomes the narrative there will be dozens more ivermectin sagas
the financial interests driving the anti-vaxx movement are doing so from a perspective that says people taking a vaccine that eliminates the need to take various miracle cures is depriving them of a marketing opportunity
that the covid vaccines are so remarkably effective at their job at a price point of *free* is a terrifying threat to the right wing miracle cure economy
Read 4 tweets

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