Empty phrases like, "How are you?" are social nightmares for many autistics. Turns out, these confusing greetings are called phatic language, and they drive a wedge between autistic/allistic communication. 🧵
Over time, I've scripted replies to, "How are you?" But no matter how many times I say, "Pretty good," "Doing all right," or just nod, I'm filled with panic. Does this person actually want to know how I'm doing? Why did they ignore me when I responded, "Fine. How about you?"
"How are you" is an example of phatic language. Although it seems meaningless, non-autistics actually build social bonds with this kind of greeting. However, given that autistics bond & communicate differently from allistics, phatic language can be frustrating and even isolating.
Autistics tend to prefer straightforward communication. We love to skip small talk & opt for intense discussion. When someone asks how we are doing, we might reply, "It's been a long day. I'm exhausted," or, "I'm really excited! I just learned about __."
Sadly, when autistics respond honestly to phatic greetings, like "How's it going?" we are often met with surprise. Or worse, we receive frowns of annoyance. This kind of response is deeply hurtful, because, well, all we did was answer the question!
If we embraced neurodiversity, we might recognize that there's more than one good way to respond to, "How are you?" As a society, we might do better to genuinely ask one another how we're doing. Otherwise, we may wind up lost in a sea of "I'm fine" when no one is actually fine.
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