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6 Oct, 4 tweets, 1 min read
SHIELDS: I am an extremely attractive woman, and I would like to buy a castle

ELWES: I am an extremely attractive man, and I am not entirely sure I want to sell you a castle

SHIELDS: But I am also a famous author

ELWES: Such relatable content

🎶

(cue bagpipes)
ELWES: Here, try on this scarf with an authentic Scottish tartan, which does not look the same as the tartan on your dress

SHIELDS: Are you touching my boob?

ELWES: I am not touching your boob

SHIELDS: I just came here to buy a castle, you know

ELWES: Again with the castles
SHIELDS: While you’re making up your mind, I’ll ride this bicycle through the Scottish countryside

SHEEP: baaaa

ELWES: What an odd, yet alluring woman

JIGSAW: LIVE OR DIE; MAKE YOUR CHOICE

ELWES: Oh, crap; what are you doing here

JIGSAW: I’m stuck here; she took my bicycle
ELWES: Look, this wasn’t part of the deal

JIGSAW: What deal?

ELWES: I wanted a gig where I could spend more time flirting with Brooke Shields and less time sawing my limbs off to escape a homicidal clown maniac

JIGSAW: That sounds very specific

ELWES: I gotta call my agent

• • •

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More from @Dreamweasel

Dreamweasel Profile picture
1 Oct
Unfortunately, we’re already split in two; just not by geography
news.yahoo.com/majority-trump…
The “nations” which exist in our minds are defined entirely by the perspectives through which we see the world.

One adheres mostly to observable facts; the other, an agenda-driven simulation in which Donald Trump is always right & everyone who contradicts him is a liar.
One nation acknowledges that Joe Biden won the 2020 election, and the Coronavirus is a very real threat best avoided by wearing masks, social distancing, and taking CDC-approved vaccines.

The other nation thinks every word of what I just said is a mainstream media conspiracy.
Read 12 tweets
Dreamweasel Profile picture
1 Oct
She’s not just a publicity-thirsty obstructionist determined to thwart the Democrats at every turn, she’s a wine-drinking triathlete determined to thwart the Democrats at every turn
THIS IS LITERALLY THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT WE SHOULD WANT AN ELECTED OFFICIAL TO DO
AXIOS: Senator Sinema, what are your policy goals?

SINEMA I refuse to telegraph my precise intentions

AXIOS: I find you fascinating

SINEMA: You’ll never figure me out!

AXIOS: A political genius; a true rebel

SINEMA: (swallows glass of wine in one gulp)
Read 5 tweets
Dreamweasel Profile picture
30 Sep
The “Hypocrisy Loophole” I describe in the following thread is a means for the Right to continue doing terrible things under the guise of “Both Sides Do It”, provided they can find one corroborating example on the Left.

SEE ALSO: #Whataboutism

Thread: ⬇️
It came up a lot during the “Kids in Cages” scandal. MAGAts found some sickening ways immigrants were treated in the Obama Administration & promptly concluded “That means we have to change precisely nothing.”

The policy is irrelevant; all that matters is immunity from criticism.
Republicans constantly use the Hypocrisy Loophole to justify:

- appalling sexist behavior, including but not limited to sexual assault
- refusal to take COVID vaccines
- the Jan. 6th insurrection

No efforts are made to change; their only goal is to point fingers & make excuses.
Read 4 tweets
Dreamweasel Profile picture
30 Sep
“Trump World” would be the worst theme park ever
IT’S A WORLD OF SHOUTING
A WORLD OF LIES

WHERE WE BLAME OBAMA
WHEN PEOPLE DIE

WE CAN ALL VENT OUR SPLEENS
ABOUT MASKS AND VACCINES

WE’RE IN TRUMP WORLD, AFTER ALL…

🎶
IT’S A WORLD OF HOPING
YOU’RE ALL IMPRESSED

WHERE MY TV RATINGS
MEAN I’M THE BEST

WHERE I NEVER CAN LOSE
IF I BLAME THE FAKE NEWS

YOU’RE IN TRUMP WORLD, AFTER ALL…

🎶
Read 5 tweets
Dreamweasel Profile picture
28 Sep
In a perfect world, what percentage of the student body would believe that COVID is mostly a hoax, masks are tyranny, the COVID vaccine is worthless and that Donald Trump was justified in the January 6th insurrection?

30%? 50%?

Because that is the Republican mainstream now.
“Ideological diversity” is an expression invented by conservatives to imply that opponents of their ideology are bigots.
Ideology is malleable. Nobody is born believing stupid shit & forced to live with it forever. Ideology is not a birth characteristic.

Many ideas get phased out of public discourse. But you can’t force people to make room for bad ideas just because some people still believe them.
Read 7 tweets
Dreamweasel Profile picture
28 Sep
(responding through bullhorn) BECAUSE DECADES OF REPUBLICAN GERRYMANDERING HAVE ASSURED THAT REPUBLICANS COMPRISE A FAR, FAR HIGHER PERCENTAGE OF CONGRESSMEN THAN THERE ARE REPUBLICANS IN THE OVERALL AMERICAN POPULATION
THE POINT IS THAT IT REALLY DOESN’T MATTER HOW POPULAR AN IDEA IS: WHAT TRULY MATTERS IS HOW MANY WHITE PEOPLE IN THE SO-CALLED HEARTLAND LIKE IT. YOU CAN DRESS IT UP IN LOFTY LANGUAGE, BUT THIS IS THE BASIC PHILOSOPHY BEHIND CONGRESSIONAL REPRESENTATION AND THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE
THE REPUBLICANS WHO DEFEND THIS SYSTEM CLING TO AN OUTDATED NOTION OF A CONGRESSIONAL “REPUBLIC” THAT NECESSARILY OVERRIDES DEMOCRACY IN FAVOR OF GEOGRAPHY. MIND YOU, THE 2020 ELECTION SHOWS HOW VERY LITTLE A “REPUBLIC” MEANS TO THEM WHEN THEY ARE UNHAPPY WITH THE END RESULT.
Read 6 tweets

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