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ED

12 Oct, 16 tweets, 6 min read

I updated Football Manager & gave Newcastle United a billion pounds. Ran the sim for 10 years. This is what happened 👇

{A thread}

S1: Bruce OUT & Lampard IN. Spent £300m improving the squad with young German talents. They all flopped & we got relegated. Frank was sacked and had his left hand chopped off as the Saudi’s deemed him a thief. By this point he weighed 32st so the weight loss was welcome

S2: The Saudis felt the need to make a statement so Jose Mourinho came in after he finished 5th with Roma & fell out with the players, fans, owners and nation of Italy. Jose cited his love of Bobby Robson and promised to win trophies for the ‘great fans & owners’ of Newcastle.

S3: Jose finished 8th in his first season playing a pioneering back 7. He then signed 6 more 34 year old CB’s & we finished 11th. However, we only conceded 4 goals all season. Jose was sacked and got a £2B payout. He lost it all at Paddypower - the same place he lost his soul.

S4: This was the season where Steve Bruce (after a League + Cup double winning season at Norwich) came home. He came back to jubilation from the fans who quickly remembered why they didn’t like him. 62 cabbages & 114 pineapples were thrown at Bruce on the final day of the season

S5: After a spend of £650m+ in 4 years, PIF were desperate for a trophy. In came CL winning David Moyes who immediately went to sign Pienaar & Fellani and offered them both £350k a week. They accepted and formed the spine of the new look NUFC (we now have to play in Saudi Green)

S6: We finally got to a league cup final but outrage occurred when PIF paid £14.3B to hold it in Saudi Arabia whilst the F1 took place around the outside of the pitch. We lost to Bolton 1-0 with claims Max Verstappen was shouting expletives onto the pitch all game from his car.

S7: Moyes resigned after losing 14 games in a row citing ‘moral concerns’ about the ownership. He was never seen again. Pep off the back of a WC win with Spain came in. He spent £1.6B on full backs on his 2nd day in office. Mendy joins on a FT after being released from prison.

S8: Newcastle break records for most passes, highest XG, most pretentious tactical words used & most full backs in a PL season. A proud day for the fans. Still no trophy. Amanda Stavely’s judgement comes under scrutiny after 8 years and 17B spent on players and no trophy.

S9: WW3 breaks out. This is unfortunate as it’s started by Saudi Arabia. Under duress Pep declares allegiance to the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia & its quest for world domination. Fans have no problem with this as Saudi Arabia also have a £2m stake in Chess & people are fine with that

S10: Pep has fled. Pardew is in as the only one willing. We win the league winning every game to nil. Rumours other teams have been threatened. Mason Greenwood ‘accidentally’ scores 6 own goals to give NUFC a 11-0 win at Old Trafford. Newcastle goes wild. Fans ecstatic & proud.

Can’t wait to find out what happens next! The fans are calling for 81 year old Kevin Keegan to return. He’s currently in a home which doesn’t allow outdoor time so we’ll see.