Thread by @_Bryana_Joy

When I was 25 & engaged to be married, I thumbed through Every Man's Battle in a bookstore & ended up sobbing in the bathroom. This is a thread for the younger me whose exposure to awful teachings about sex made her scream into pillows & feel terribly, terribly alone. 1/16

The release of @garylthomas' problematic new book has been stirring up painful emotions for thousands of people this week—grief, fear, deep anger, loneliness, & alienation from their own sexuality. These are all-too familiar emotions for women, both religious & otherwise. 2/16

My younger self spent years struggling in total isolation with the way sex was presented to me both in & out of the church. Everywhere I turned I heard the same messages: Sex is for men. Women are to be looked at. Women must work hard to be sexually pleasing to men. 3/16

But it was in Christian marriage resources & pornography that I detected the most terrifying undertones—& the *same* undertones: Men *want* to dominate women. Women *want* to be controlled. These are essential elements of masculinity & femininity, part of a universal design. 4/16

Today I want to talk to that younger me & to any woman who finds herself scared, full of rage she's not free to express, & feeling maybe even a little crazy over the messaging she's hearing about sex. Here's what I want to say: it's all a lie! 5/16

I'm married now, & I can honestly say that not even one of the frightening warnings I was given about sex has proved true in my own marriage. In fact, my husband is appalled each time he learns something new I was taught to expect or fear from marriage or sex. 6/16

Whenever I read him passages from the Christian resources that brought me such anguish before our marriage, he is disgusted & often offended by the behaviors these authors seem to expect from men as normative & the objectification they seek to baptize as "Godly masculinity." 7/16

I want to tell younger me that far from agreeing with them, my husband would be infuriated to witness prominent Christian authors dehumanizing women—even their own wives—by the ways in which they write about women's bodies & assign women value based on their sex appeal. 8/16

I want to tell younger me that the people writing the majority of prominent Christian marriage resources likely have highly dysfunctional marriages because their relationships rest on a hierarchical foundation rather than a foundation of equality & mutual respect. 9/16

I want to tell younger me that many of the examples authors like @garyLthomas present from their own marriages as normative are in fact indications of disordered sexuality & sex addiction; that not just women but many men, like my own husband, would feel this strongly. 10/16

I want to tell younger me it's NOT true that men's sexuality is impossible for women to understand, & that it is neither normal nor healthy for men to be driven into a frenzy by the sight of a woman's body & find it difficult to control their impulses & thoughts. 11/16

I want to tell younger me that men who experience sexuality in this way are suffering from a serious addiction & deserve sympathy & professional help, but should not be allowed to dictate the terms or conditions of healthy sexual expression. 12/16

I want to tell younger me that sex should never—and I mean never—take place unless it is a shared expression of mutual pleasure, mutual respect, & intimacy between partners who see themselves as equals & are committed to ensuring one another's enjoyment & safety. 13/16

If you're a woman (or a man!) muddling through the confusion & emotional torment younger me went through, I want to tell you: all those voices framing sex in starkly-gendered ways that make you want to scream don't know WHAT they're talking about. 14/16

Anyone telling you men & women have essentially different sexual needs is just plain wrong. We're the same species & it's time we started acting like it. 15/16

There is hope, hope, hope for a vision of sexuality that doesn't make you feel like you're losing your mind. Many are practicing it already. 16/16

Adding on to this to say that if you're a Christian woman, or a woman who grew up in or adjacent to American evangelical Christianity, OR a man partnered with one of those women, considering reading @sheilagregoire's The Great Sex Rescue. It may give you space to heal.

Hey, shout-out to the MEN engaging with & promoting this post. My notifications have been full of favorites & retweets by men this morning. I want to say: I see you, I appreciate you, & I know these teachings that damaged the younger me also did great harm to you. I am sorry.