Thread by @iowahawkblog

Actually U.S. Butthole merged with Amalgamated Sphincter, and now operate as Assco

https://twitter.com/RuleSchnauzers/status/1455314127589724170

What ever happened to meaty two-fisted corporate names like Union Carbide or Standard Oil or General Plow? Now it's all bullshit babytalk like Floopi or Jibbo or Giggle

If I started a company I would name it American Slab & Chock. It wouldn't necessarily make slabs or chocks, I just like the name

Also, the corporate logo would be a magnificently engraved bald eagle, its wings spread in front a crossed pair of fluttering American flags, with a slab in one claw and a chock in the other

As founder and president, I will of course have a gigantic office with overstuffed chairs, a ticker tape machine, a humidor on my 4000-pound hand-carved desk, and 15-foot windows overlooking the mighty smokestacks of my slab & chockworks

Outside my door there will be endless rows of Steelcase industrial green desks, with workers busily typing slab and chock invoices on Royal typewriters.

Email? Bah, all interoffice memos will be delivered by pneumatic tubes

Look at those layabouts outside Plant 3! Still malingering five minutes after the steam whistle. Get me the president of the Slabmakers Union on the horn, I agreed to a 30 minute lunch break, not 37

Don't get me wrong, I am very good to my employees. Everyone gets two weeks vacation during summer slab & chock inventory, plus a ham and carton of Chesterfields every Christmas

Speaking of inventory, why are there so many pallets of chocks stacked up in the shipping yard? Tell Baxter from Chock Division Marketing to report to my office at once with the latest sales charts, and there'd better be a good explanation

And clear my calendar for tomorrow afternoon, I want to see those 2023 prototype slabs from the Slab Styling Department. And tell those glamor boys no more of that crazy fantasy Slabs of the Future nonsense. I run a slab assembly, not a Hollywood studio dammit

Take a letter to Senator A.W. Vandenhooper, Washington DC.

Dear Gus: Those boys in antitrust are trying to scuttle my buyout of Consolidated Knob. What do I pay you for? I'd better not be seeing any subpoenas to testify at the Slab, Chock & Knobs Affairs committee hearings.

I strongly suggest you remind your fellow congressmen how critical our slabs and chocks are in defending the U.S.A. against the commie menace. That is if you want me to show up at your next election fundraiser.

Sincerely, et cetera

Take another letter to D.R. Burge Jr., c/o Hotel de Paris, Monte Carlo, Principality of Monaco

Dear Son: Five years of postgraduate showgirls, champagne, and gambling is quite enough. It is time for you to return to Cleveland and begin pulling your weight.

Please be advised I have instructed your trustees to cease your monthly allowance 4 weeks hence, at which time you will become my Executive Vice President for Youth Slab Marketing. Office hours 9-5 M-F.
I suggest you book passage on the next available steamship or zeppelin.

Please also be advised that I will expect you to attend the upcoming debutante ball of Miss Mildred Funkhouser, daughter of J.T. Funkhouser of Consolidated Knob, as her escort. And by God you will be sober.

Remember that this ball will be a waltz, and not one of your hoochie-koochie Charleston jazz orgies.

By God, if you're not going to be a worthy heir to my Slab & Chock business, you're going to produce me one.

Sincerely, et cetera

*two generations later*

annnnd SCENE