Kwasi Kwarteng glanced at Twitter. All across his timeline was that video. The one about the Christmas Party.

His phone went. Facebook video. He flicked it on.

It was Boris. He wasn't wearing any trousers. /1
"Chris!" BJ bumbled, flopping around in the wind. "How you bloody doing old chap."

"Feeling great, boss." Kwasi smiled. He'd long ago given up trying to get the Prime Minister to learn his actual name. Hell, maybe he WAS called Chris. Could the Prime Minister be wrong? No. Never
"Need you to do TV in the morning." Boris said, scratched himself and pausing to take in the odor.

"Anyway. Yes. TV. The morning. About the party. Didn't happen."

Out of the corner of his eye, Kwasi could see the video playing on his laptop. On it, Allegra Stratton was laughing
Kwasi hadn't realised videos could lie. But how could the Prime Minister be wrong? If he said the party didn't happen it didn't happen. The world must be wrong.

"No problem sir." Kwasi replied. "Want me to do the radio too?"

"That's the spirit!" Boris burped. "Thanks Carl."

• • •

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More from @garius

8 Dec
Pro tip everyone: Remember to wash your mug before you leave the office today.

Let's not all make that mistake again.
We're eating the M&S xmas mince pies in the office as fast as we can. Everyone can sense it coming. We've gotta finish them before leaving today.

It's like the fall of fucking Saigon. But with pastry.
I've grabbed the bag of rhubarb & custard boiled sweets.

LEAVE NO MAN BEHIND
Read 4 tweets
8 Dec
OLLIE: So there won't be an investigation?
TUCKER: Oh aye. There'll be an investigation. Glenn! You're in charge of the investigation
GLENN: I'm investigating the party?
TUCKER: Alleged party
GLENN: But I was there
TUCKER: Or you weren't
NICOLA: I'm utterly lost now
TUCKER: It's perfectly fucking simple. Glenn here is going to establish whether or not there was a party that he did or didn't attend
GLENN: Which I did
TUCKER: Or didn't
GLENN: But I did
TUCKER: Or did you
GLENN: Well I don't know now
TUCKER: Exactly
OLLIE: What do I do?
TUCKER: Do what you do best. Stand there looking fucking lost and occasionally text the girlfriend you wish you still had. Try to avoid being filmed again, on camera, mentioning a christmas party you went to that didn't happen. You think you can manage that?
Read 7 tweets
8 Dec
NICOLA: Morning all! Ollie, why do you look like a sad puppy?
OLLIE: The Christmas party.
NICOLA: The 'business meeting'?
OLLIE: Um yeah. There's... video.
NICOLA: Shit. Does Malcolm know?
TERRI: It's in the papers.
NICOLA: SHIT
TUCKER <entering>: Ho FUCKING Ho everyone! /1
TUCKER: How are we today? Feeling festive? In the spirit?
NICOLA: Can we skip this bit please Malcolm?
TUCKER: Me? I'm great. I love this time of year, aye. Fucking infinite Wham fan me.
NICOLA: Malcolm I really am busy.
TUCKER: Oh aye? Lot's of meetings with Secret Santas?
NICOLA: It was a business meeting, Malcolm
TUCKER: Oh sure. Fucking business meeting
OLLIE: It's true. You can check in Outlook
GLENN: I said it was a bad idea
OLLIE: Oh fuck off Glenn
TUCKER: Business meeting. So if I ask Terri if there were minutes, she'll say yes?
TERRI: Um...
Read 15 tweets
7 Dec
It's important to understand HOW you reach a point where animals are evacuated ahead of people.

It's not due to malice, but of addressable issues all organisations need to watch for in their productive narcissist leadership:

I call it the "Skeletor's Minions Problem"

/1
The Skeletor's Minions Problem (SMP) happens when you have an insecure populist narcissist in politics, or a productive narcissist in business, in charge of an organisation. But the org lacks:

1) Top level understanding of what happens on the ground
2) ANY senior staff pushback
If, as is alleged (with growing evidence), Boris Johnson specifically ordered the evacuation of animals from Afghanistan then there likely wasn't a moment where he thought people would miss out.

He thought that he could shout "do something about this!!" with no consequences.
Read 16 tweets
6 Dec
What's beyond funny about the Uber case is that they brought it on themselves.

If they hadn't been so high on silicon valley bro-ness, and so ignorant of E&W Employment law, they'd have just chucked the drivers a few quid.

Instead they got themselves done by the duck test. 🦆
What's DOUBLY funny is not that Uber then accidentally set themselves up for the easiest tap in HMRC ever scored, but they lit a beacon to the rest of Europe on how to legislate for bad-faith disruptors.

Which is why the European Commission is wiring the duck test in there, too.
So Uber fucked their London ops. Opened themselves up to a massive RETROACTIVE and future VAT bill AND have probably screwed themselves in a bunch of other markets too.

All for the sake of lowballing a few drivers so their investee deck looked better.

Quack quack quack.
Read 4 tweets
6 Dec
Fun fact: For the price of an X-Wing you can buy 2.5 TIE fighters.

And that's even before we get to maintenance overhead.
An A-Wing is about 3 TIEs.

Even a B-Wing (twenty year old tech at the time of New Hope) is equivalent to 2.2 TIE fighters.

And the reliability/maintenance overhead on those is HUGE.
This is before we get into working in astromech costs and pilot training costs.

Essentially, your logistics overhead on the Rebel fighter programme is fucking huge.

It's Tigers vs T34s.
Read 6 tweets

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