Thread by @garius

NICOLA: Morning all! Ollie, why do you look like a sad puppy?
OLLIE: The Christmas party.
NICOLA: The 'business meeting'?
OLLIE: Um yeah. There's... video.
NICOLA: Shit. Does Malcolm know?
TERRI: It's in the papers.
NICOLA: SHIT
TUCKER <entering>: Ho FUCKING Ho everyone! /1

TUCKER: How are we today? Feeling festive? In the spirit?
NICOLA: Can we skip this bit please Malcolm?
TUCKER: Me? I'm great. I love this time of year, aye. Fucking infinite Wham fan me.
NICOLA: Malcolm I really am busy.
TUCKER: Oh aye? Lot's of meetings with Secret Santas?

NICOLA: It was a business meeting, Malcolm
TUCKER: Oh sure. Fucking business meeting
OLLIE: It's true. You can check in Outlook
GLENN: I said it was a bad idea
OLLIE: Oh fuck off Glenn
TUCKER: Business meeting. So if I ask Terri if there were minutes, she'll say yes?
TERRI: Um...

TUCKER: Terri, Terri, Terri
TERRI:
TUCKER: I've always liked you Terri. Actually I don't like you Terri, that's a lie. But I do respect you Terri. Actually... no wait... that's a lie too. But Terri, I do KNOW that you're honest.
TERRI:
TUCKER: Were there minutes Terri?

TERRI: Um...
TUCKER: I want you to think very carefully before you answer Terri. Remember the Civil Service code? That thing everyone apart from you wipes their arse with round here?
TERRI:
TUCKER: Were there minutes at this 'business meeting'?
TERRI: No, Malcolm

TUCKER: No minutes. Aye. Right. And would you mind answering a few more questions for me Terri?
NICOLA: Actually, Terri has some really important work to do and-
TUCKER: Were there nibbles, Terri?
TERRI:
GLENN: You don't have to answer, Terri
TUCKER: Wee sausages on sticks?

TUCKER: Was that a nod?
TERRI:
TUCKER: Little bits of pineapple and cheese on sticks. Those fucking party rings where everyone only eats the pink ones
TERRI:
TUCKER: Blink twice if there were nibbles, Terri
TERRI: <blinks twice>
TUCKER: I FUCKING knew it. FUCKING Christmas Party!

NICOLA: Look. It was just a small gathering
TUCKER: Oh aye that's fine then. Her fucking Majesty was sitting alone in Westminster Abbey, while over here Wham's playing and Ollie's getting a sloppy handjob off Glenn in the corridor, but don't worry it was only a small gathering.

GLENN: Hey! That was uncalled for.
TUCKER: What was?
GLENN: The... handjob thing.
TUCKER: Oh I'm sorry Glenn. I do apologise. I'm sure your handjobs are fucking amazing. You have soft hands and lots of practice.
GLENN: That's not what I meant.

TUCKER: You know what happens next? Thanks to your illegal fucking party
OLLIE: Oh no. Are the police-
TUCKER: No Ollie. The Met couldn't give a shit on account of you being neither black nor female. There will be no consequences for you. I mean what happens next for the country.

OLLIE: What?
TUCKER: Total shitting lockdown
NICOLA: I don't understand?
TUCKER: I mean don't get me wrong. The science advisors have been calling for it for weeks. But The Express had already told the PM he saved Christmas, so he couldn't do it. But now... Plan B is ON.

TUCKER: Vaccine Passports. Working from Home. The lot. All coming.
NICOLA: But isn't that the scientific advice?
TUCKER: Oh aye. But the PM had no fucking intention of doing it until you fuckers held a christmas party. Now it's the only way he avoids sending Kwasi Kwarteng on TV.

OLLIE: So, the PM is going to follow scientific advice...
TUCKER: Yup.
GLENN: Because we had a Christmas Party
TUCKER: Yup.
NICOLA: And he's too scared to punish his own people?
TUCKER: Exactly. I hope your fucking happy with yourselves. Because he fucking isn't. /END

If you like this kind of thing (but with real politicians and about Brexit) you can pre-order my book on Unbound while they finish fixing my typos, doing proper art and finding some paper to actually print it on.

After that, all good book shops etc. etc. unbound.com/books/the-brex…

Can't believe it was under two hours before they did something so stupid it required a sequel.

https://twitter.com/garius/status/1468590424134664195