Thread by @PhilipMott1

New read for me. A highly regarded book within self-directed circles. Looking forward to highlighting a few pieces from it.

#readwithphilip

If you’ve read this already I hope you’ll share some of your favorite insights from the book. Were there any aha moments for you?

I question a lot more than I used to why I’m inclined to trust some authors over others. I’m learning more how to question my biases along the way instead of assuming they are true.

Ch. 1 The Most Stressful Thing in the Universe

“Stress wreaks havoc on the brain.”

I can see the boomers rolling their eyes asking us younger people to be tougher. But that is a story they are telling themselves, that tougher is better.

Let’s question that narrative.

I like their framing of toxic stress which is frequent or prolonged stress. It reminds me of the difference between bullying and joking within a people group.

Good friends often tease each other but repetitive and purposefully hurtful teasing is abusive.

I think older generations catch wind of us talking about stress and think we are trying to avoid all the stress, which isn’t the case. We are trying to lessen the toxic stress in our lives.

The Default Mode network section is very interesting and something I’ve been feeling like I’m not allowing mine to activate as much lately.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Default_m…

As a self-described people watcher I think getting into a resting mental state is something I’ve been good at. But mobile games and the focus on social media often robs me of this time to sit and mind-wander the way I used to more.

I can recall this restful state kicking in on longer drives and mowing grass for example. The brain isn’t focused on anything so it decides to do some mental housekeeping.

A lot of these neuro authors reference lions in the savannah when they talk about stress. Why do I feel like if our ancestors saw a lion, it was already too late. Isn’t this why they burned huge swaths of grasslands and actively hunted lions?

“A major goal of this book is to help parents help their kids increase their stress tolerance—their ability to perform well in stressful situations.”

Good to know the goal!

There’s another option too. Show your kids ways to recognize and remove toxic stress. Don’t cope; leave.

Too many of us are trying to cope in toxic situations. Isn’t that because we also believe the tougher is better narrative?

Coping is partially a decision. Leaving is often the better one.

So if our minds can only relax when we are not focused on a task, what happens when the task is earning the approval of others?

Anxiety, I think. Even when we stop doing the thing we were doing we are still focused on pleasing others which keeps us from actually relaxing.

Ch. 2: the parent as consultant

[As opposed to a boss which, judging by the way parents talk about children, is how they see themselves.]

Being a boss communicates one thing clearly. “I know what’s right for you, and you don’t.”

Readers will be tempted to think that their actions will help to shape their child but I think a larger point is actually being missed in parenting conversations: You can’t shape your child.

Your child is shaped by the culture they identify with.

Instead, what the reader needs to spend time thinking about is how our actions shape our relationship with our child. That’s a very different paradigm and one that we have a ton of influence on.

The authors also reference the homework wars so many families experience. How often do parents actually see this as a problem with school instead of a problem with their own child?

Your child is not a spoiled brat. Homework is a terrible and abusive idea.

Homework is a terrible and abusive idea.

“when parents work harder than their kids to solve their problems, their kids get weaker, not stronger.”

The more we want it for our kid the less they want it often.

If only there were a law of physics that might help illustrate such a phenomenon! (Cough, Newton’s third!)

I had to look that up. Wasn’t sure which law it was before you get impressed at all.

I like how they reference the serenity prayer in their book. Such a good reflection about control in parenting.

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change what I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve stopped in my tracks recognizing that I can’t actually control something one of the kids is doing.

I’ve seen parents argue that the youth brain isn’t mature enough to make its own decisions. But this is like keeping a plant in a small pot because it’s not ready for a bigger one.

The brain is a living organ. It needs room to grow! It needs space to expand into!

“The brain develops according to how is used.” They get better at making their own decisions by…making their own decisions.

Btw, shaming kids for their decisions doesn’t count as letting them decide. If we want it to be their decision we have to emotionally detach from it.

Because it’s not really their decision if they feel they would get in trouble for making it.

Many would assume we are talking about laissez-faire parenting in this thread. But it’s more likely that those people have swung so far the other way that “anything less than total control seems irresponsible.”

We just seem lazy because you’re an authoritarian.

Referring to HS students, “your real challenge is to raise a child who is capable of acting in his or her own best interest.”

Poorly worded I think. People do act in their own best interests *with* the information available to them at the time.

A student rebelling against homework is acting in their own best interest. It’s just that they don’t have enough compelling information that says homework should take precedence. That’s on the adults to make the connection.

So we say, “because I said so.”

Which is a weak sauce argument if I’ve ever heard one. Maybe it’s the adults who need to learn how to think critically.

great way to end this chapter.

From a parent, “One of my greatest regrets is that the last few years my son lived at home, we spent most of the time fighting about homework.”

I tweet hoping that I can help a few parents avoid this all too common refrain. Let go of homework.

Chapter two was great. I like how it’s at the beginning. Be a consultant. Many authors wait until the end to share any big changes to make but this is well done to be at the beginning.

I often put their perspective differently. If you’re trying to be anti authoritarian then when it comes to school you have to refuse to be used as a lever against your child. Educators will try to use you to move your child. Refuse to be the lever!

Ch. 3 Kids as Decision Makers

I’m adding these 3 reminders to my lexicon.

“1. You are the expert on you.
2. You have a brain in your head.
3. You want your life to work.”

Here’s the kicker though. When we aren’t saying these things, we are actually implying the opposite. 🤯

A lot of focus about homework in this book and it gets me thinking that the reason so many parents struggle with giving up the homework struggle is that they don’t even let their kids play without input.

So many parents hovering at the playground telling kids what they cant do.

So if you can’t give up the homework fight because it’s too important, fine. Let go of play. Let them play in whatever way they want. It’s a starting place. 🤷🏼‍♂️

“It’s really hard to know what’s in your best interest…you don’t know who your kid wants to be…that’s for him to figure out.”

Unschoolers often take this POV for granted. Authoritarians don’t believe in it. That’s why arguments about a child’s agency go nowhere with them.

Authoritarians don’t believe that it is up to your kid to figure out who they want to be.

They reference Robert Epstein’s adultness test, citing that teens generally perform “as well on this test as adults do.”

That’s because decision making is much more cultural than we imagine. And teens are watching culture very closely.

drrobertepstein.com/EDTA-unabridge…

My explanation for why teens actually pay attention to culture more than parents is like navigating a room in the dark vs. a well lit room. Your other senses are heightened in the dark and you notice things you wouldn’t notice in the light.

The longer we live in culture the more stories we create to explain what we observe. These stories are like the light in a room, helping us navigate. Teens don’t have this light yet so they are fumbling around on hands and knees noticing everything that’s going on around them.