Thread by @reclaimingtrans

While I was still detrans, I started working through my own issues about transition and realized I'd been projecting onto trans people in ways that were harmful and dysfunctional. When I tried to talk about this publicly and take accountability, another detrans woman attacked me.

I made a video where I talked about how I realized I'd been projecting onto trans people and that this was harmful and rooted in my own personal problems. I apologized for causing harm. When I showed my video to the detrans lesbian I was dating at the time, she yelled at me.

I talked about how I had tried to influence transmasc people, tried to discourage them from transitioning, amd encourage them to "reconcile with being female" and how I now saw that as wrong, harmful & coming from my own unresolved issues. She found that part very threatening.

She told me that trans activists could use my video to discredit the entire detrans women's community and our activism. As if trans people were constantly monitoring us for ways to undermine us and our work, really paranoid shit. I knew she was being unreasonable.

She was also worried that I'd someday accuse her of trying to influence me in negative ways. She was the first detrans woman I met & she'd been my main support when I first started detransitioning. We were friends for years before we started dating & had done a lot work together.

At the time I denied that I would ever accuse her of trying to manipulate or influence me in harmful ways but now looking back I'm like "well, that whole conversation was a huge red flag". Why would she even be afraid of that if she hadn't done anything sketchy?

The thing is, I did sometimes think back on our early interactions and get the sense she was trying to push me in certain directions but I thought I was being paranoid. Then I went back and read our early email exchanges and I could find evidence that she was being manipulative.

So this woman got mad at me for trying to be a less sketchy person and taking responsibility for my harmful actions and transphobia because she was worried about being held accountable for her bad behavior and was worried about our whole community being be held accountable too.

She tried to punish me for publicly saying something that threatened her and what she wanted the rad fem detrans women's community to be. She was one of the leaders of the community and she had firm ideas of what she wanted it to be, what kind of activism got done and so on.

She said a lot of mean things and when I got angry in response, tried to treat me like I'd attacked her. I ended up comforting her for making her feel bad after I tried to stand up for myself! And she got to me. She did make me feel like I'd done something wrong by speaking out.

She wanted to control what I said publicly because she wanted to use my talent as a writer and my public persona as a detrans woman to push a very specific narrative about detransition. I wasn't allowed to openly and freely express myself.

If I said something she disapproved of, I got punished. I got punished for talking about how detrans people could be transphobic and hurt trans people. She and other detrans women tried to stop me from building positive relationships with trans people.

And of course, she and other transphobic detrans women tried to discourage me from identifying as trans again. As a public detrans woman, I faced so much pressure from other detrans women who wanted to control what kind of influence I exerted in the world.

They knew other people listened to me, they knew other detrans women looked up to me, so they really wanted to control what I said and how I presented myself. Supposedly for my own and other's well-being but we know that's bullshit. They were just abusive and controlling.

Transphobic detrans women use the idea that people are socially influenced to identify as trans and transition to justify trying to control members of their community, what they say and do, who they associate with, etc. Somehow they know what's best for the whole community.

As a result, I ended up getting stuck for years until I finally cut ties with specific detrans women and disengaged from the whole detrans rad fem community. They tried to keep me close and control me because they were afraid of what I'd do if I broke free. They knew I'd talk.

They only ended up giving me more to talk about! What a fucking waste of everyone's time. Spend all that time trying to shut me up and make me spread their bullshit and they created the very trans activist they were afraid would discredit their toxic bullshit detrans movement!

Transphobic detrans people need to get it through their heads that if they hurt people, if they engage in transphobic activism or try to control people, it will eventually come back to hurt them. Trying to shut up people who speak out about their bullshit doesn't work long-term.

And they need to understand that taking responsibility for harmful behavior and working to do better is much better than denying or rationalizing the harm. I'm so much happier now that I work to treat other people with kindness and respect and take responsibility for my actions.

Hurting other people and engaging in transphobic actions is a bad choice that leads to unhappiness for all involved. Taking responsibility for bad behavior and making a real effort to do better is freeing and healing. This what I learned and I'm finally free to say it.