Thread by @garius

GLENN: Malcolm, there's a problem
TUCKER: With the investigation?
GLENN: Yes
TUCKER: What?
GLENN: There's more than one Xmas Party
TUCKER: You're not actually INVESTIGATING are you?!
GLENN: You told me to!
TUCKER: I've also told you to stop being a twat. That's never stopped you

TUCKER: Glenn, do you remember what you told me when I asked you to investigate this?
GLENN: That I was at the party.
TUCKER: Aye. And do you know what quality I value you for?
GLENN: Honesty?
TUCKER:
GLENN: Um. Integrity?
TUCKER: You're a fucking coward Glenn. A weasel.

GLENN: That's not very nice.
TUCKER: You're a fucking weasel Glenn. So when I needed a weasel to weasel their way out of admitting there was a fucking party I thought of you Glenn, a weasel who was at the weasel party.
GLENN:
TUCKER: Because you're a weasel
GLENN: Yes, I got that

TUCKER: So can you imagine my surprise Glenn, at discovering that you're suddenly weasel Columbo?
GLENN: Look I'm sorry.
TUCKER: You're running around Number 10, saying 'just one more thing' and twitching your little weasel nose at the fucking A-Listers.

GLENN: Look I didn't mean to alright.
TUCKER: What's that, Weasel Columbo? Squeak up
GLENN: It's been bloody hard okay?
TUCKER: Glenn, all I needed you to do was find a room, at Number 10, where there wasn't a party.
GLENN: That's my point! There wasn't one!

TUCKER: What do you mean?
GLENN: I mean there was a party in EVERY ROOM.
TUCKER: That's impossible
GLENN: Well it's true
TUCKER: What about the basement room with no windows?
GLENN: Accounts party
TUCKER: Second floor one. Smells of fish
GLENN: SPADs
TUCKER: Okay that makes sense

GLENN: I can't prove there wasn't a Xmas party Malcolm. Because they were going on everywhere in here. My report reads like a Noel Edmunds franchise operation
TUCKER:
GLENN:
TUCKER: Aye well okay. You tried you're best
GLENN: Thank you
TUCKER: Just resign and we'll leave it there

GLENN: What?! Why do I have to resign?!
TUCKER: Well you said it yourself. Can't have someone investigating a Christmas Party when they were at it. Sorry alleged party.
GLENN: But you knew that when you appointed me!
TUCKER: Did I though?
GLENN: Yes!!

GLENN: And even if I quit, what about this report?
TUCKER: What report?
GLENN: The one I did about all the Christmas Parties?
TUCKER: Oh THAT. Well that'll need to be redone. Can't trust it now.
GLENN: Why?
TUCKER: Written by someone who was at a party, isn't it? Allegedly.

GLENN: Oh no. You're not getting away with this
TUCKER: What's that squeaky?
GLENN: No. I'm not quitting and you can't make me
TUCKER: You've found a spine?
GLENN: Because... because I KNOW Malcolm
TUCKER: You know what?
GLENN: That YOU were at a party, too.

TUCKER:
GLENN: YOU were at a Christmas Party Malcolm. 3rd floor. Room with all the Thatcher pictures. Cabinet Office Quiz.
TUCKER: Are you threatening me, weasel Columbo?
GLENN: I suppose... I suppose I am
TUCKER:
GLENN:
TUCKER: Get out
GLENN: <runs out>
TUCKER: Fucking weasels.

Previous here, obvs:

https://twitter.com/garius/status/1468560052911063043