GLENN: Malcolm, there's a problem
TUCKER: With the investigation?
GLENN: Yes
TUCKER: What?
GLENN: There's more than one Xmas Party
TUCKER: You're not actually INVESTIGATING are you?!
GLENN: You told me to!
TUCKER: I've also told you to stop being a twat. That's never stopped you
TUCKER: Glenn, do you remember what you told me when I asked you to investigate this?
GLENN: That I was at the party.
TUCKER: Aye. And do you know what quality I value you for?
GLENN: Honesty?
TUCKER:
GLENN: Um. Integrity?
TUCKER: You're a fucking coward Glenn. A weasel.
GLENN: That's not very nice.
TUCKER: You're a fucking weasel Glenn. So when I needed a weasel to weasel their way out of admitting there was a fucking party I thought of you Glenn, a weasel who was at the weasel party.
GLENN:
TUCKER: Because you're a weasel
GLENN: Yes, I got that
OLLIE: So there won't be an investigation?
TUCKER: Oh aye. There'll be an investigation. Glenn! You're in charge of the investigation
GLENN: I'm investigating the party?
TUCKER: Alleged party
GLENN: But I was there
TUCKER: Or you weren't
NICOLA: I'm utterly lost now
TUCKER: It's perfectly fucking simple. Glenn here is going to establish whether or not there was a party that he did or didn't attend
GLENN: Which I did
TUCKER: Or didn't
GLENN: But I did
TUCKER: Or did you
GLENN: Well I don't know now
TUCKER: Exactly
OLLIE: What do I do?
TUCKER: Do what you do best. Stand there looking fucking lost and occasionally text the girlfriend you wish you still had. Try to avoid being filmed again, on camera, mentioning a christmas party you went to that didn't happen. You think you can manage that?
NICOLA: Morning all! Ollie, why do you look like a sad puppy?
OLLIE: The Christmas party.
NICOLA: The 'business meeting'?
OLLIE: Um yeah. There's... video.
NICOLA: Shit. Does Malcolm know?
TERRI: It's in the papers.
NICOLA: SHIT
TUCKER <entering>: Ho FUCKING Ho everyone! /1
TUCKER: How are we today? Feeling festive? In the spirit?
NICOLA: Can we skip this bit please Malcolm?
TUCKER: Me? I'm great. I love this time of year, aye. Fucking infinite Wham fan me.
NICOLA: Malcolm I really am busy.
TUCKER: Oh aye? Lot's of meetings with Secret Santas?
NICOLA: It was a business meeting, Malcolm
TUCKER: Oh sure. Fucking business meeting
OLLIE: It's true. You can check in Outlook
GLENN: I said it was a bad idea
OLLIE: Oh fuck off Glenn
TUCKER: Business meeting. So if I ask Terri if there were minutes, she'll say yes?
TERRI: Um...