John Bull Profile picture
20 Dec, 5 tweets, 1 min read
Worth remembering that Dominic Raab is an ex-Magic Circle law firm lawyer.

So he probably legit believes that all business meetings involve wine and cheese.

It's only a party if you order hookers and blow too, and even then only if you can't work out how to bill it to a client.
RAAB: Do you see anyone huffing coke off a young lady's breasts? Well then, it's not a party is it.
As someone who has worked in digital both in the porn AND legal industries, I can tell you which one had the most skeevy parties.

And it's not the porn industry.
(Also law is the only place where you can work somewhere for two years and then people will insist that you didn't ever work there really)
(which is partly why the whole top end of the legal industry thrives on overworking and exploiting trainees and newly-minted lawyers. But I digress)

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More from @garius

17 Dec
GLENN: Malcolm, there's a problem
TUCKER: With the investigation?
GLENN: Yes
TUCKER: What?
GLENN: There's more than one Xmas Party
TUCKER: You're not actually INVESTIGATING are you?!
GLENN: You told me to!
TUCKER: I've also told you to stop being a twat. That's never stopped you
TUCKER: Glenn, do you remember what you told me when I asked you to investigate this?
GLENN: That I was at the party.
TUCKER: Aye. And do you know what quality I value you for?
GLENN: Honesty?
TUCKER:
GLENN: Um. Integrity?
TUCKER: You're a fucking coward Glenn. A weasel.
GLENN: That's not very nice.
TUCKER: You're a fucking weasel Glenn. So when I needed a weasel to weasel their way out of admitting there was a fucking party I thought of you Glenn, a weasel who was at the weasel party.
GLENN:
TUCKER: Because you're a weasel
GLENN: Yes, I got that
Read 12 tweets
16 Dec
As a kid I was in awe of my dad. He could fix ANYTHING with stuff from his workshop.

He'd say summat like "oh, we need a left-handed flange for that. I've got one somewhere" and BOSH. Done. like magic.

I've realised various people now see me as the computer equivalent of my dad
This tweet brought to you by this morning's internal monologue:

"Hmm. No wireless card. I'll have one somewhere. Will use my USB spare for now."

"Those cables are shanked. Must have a packet of those."

"Where's my cloner license?!"

"Crappy screws. Will swap for twistables."
Because it's less physical, in my head it definitely doesn't feel like an equivalent skill. But it is in most ways.

I'm basically sitting here doing the equivalent of New Yankee Workshop on an old Acer PC. While watching New Yankee Workshop. 😄

Read 5 tweets
15 Dec
Updating Windows to Windows 10 on a machine that only has a HDD.

Pray for me.
22%. We're at 22%.
BREAKING NEWS: 23%
Read 26 tweets
8 Dec
Pro tip everyone: Remember to wash your mug before you leave the office today.

Let's not all make that mistake again.
We're eating the M&S xmas mince pies in the office as fast as we can. Everyone can sense it coming. We've gotta finish them before leaving today.

It's like the fall of fucking Saigon. But with pastry.
I've grabbed the bag of rhubarb & custard boiled sweets.

LEAVE NO MAN BEHIND
Read 4 tweets
8 Dec
OLLIE: So there won't be an investigation?
TUCKER: Oh aye. There'll be an investigation. Glenn! You're in charge of the investigation
GLENN: I'm investigating the party?
TUCKER: Alleged party
GLENN: But I was there
TUCKER: Or you weren't
NICOLA: I'm utterly lost now
TUCKER: It's perfectly fucking simple. Glenn here is going to establish whether or not there was a party that he did or didn't attend
GLENN: Which I did
TUCKER: Or didn't
GLENN: But I did
TUCKER: Or did you
GLENN: Well I don't know now
TUCKER: Exactly
OLLIE: What do I do?
TUCKER: Do what you do best. Stand there looking fucking lost and occasionally text the girlfriend you wish you still had. Try to avoid being filmed again, on camera, mentioning a christmas party you went to that didn't happen. You think you can manage that?
Read 7 tweets
8 Dec
NICOLA: Morning all! Ollie, why do you look like a sad puppy?
OLLIE: The Christmas party.
NICOLA: The 'business meeting'?
OLLIE: Um yeah. There's... video.
NICOLA: Shit. Does Malcolm know?
TERRI: It's in the papers.
NICOLA: SHIT
TUCKER <entering>: Ho FUCKING Ho everyone! /1
TUCKER: How are we today? Feeling festive? In the spirit?
NICOLA: Can we skip this bit please Malcolm?
TUCKER: Me? I'm great. I love this time of year, aye. Fucking infinite Wham fan me.
NICOLA: Malcolm I really am busy.
TUCKER: Oh aye? Lot's of meetings with Secret Santas?
NICOLA: It was a business meeting, Malcolm
TUCKER: Oh sure. Fucking business meeting
OLLIE: It's true. You can check in Outlook
GLENN: I said it was a bad idea
OLLIE: Oh fuck off Glenn
TUCKER: Business meeting. So if I ask Terri if there were minutes, she'll say yes?
TERRI: Um...
Read 15 tweets

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