1/
"Criticism/rejection become commonplace as competitive parents continue to push their children toward higher levels of accomplishment.
As a result,kids can’t find the time, literal/psychological,to linger in internal exploration; a precursor to a well-developed sense of self."
"Criticism/rejection become commonplace as competitive parents continue to push their children toward higher levels of accomplishment.
As a result,kids can’t find the time, literal/psychological,to linger in internal exploration; a precursor to a well-developed sense of self."
2/
"Kids can present as models of competence and still lack a fundamental sense of who they are. Psychologists call this the “false self,” and it is highly correlated with a number of emotional problems, most notably depression."
"Kids can present as models of competence and still lack a fundamental sense of who they are. Psychologists call this the “false self,” and it is highly correlated with a number of emotional problems, most notably depression."
3/
"Working primarily to please others and to gain their approval takes time and energy away from children’s real job of figuring out their authentic talents, skills, and interests. The “false self” becomes particularly problematic in adolescence..."
"Working primarily to please others and to gain their approval takes time and energy away from children’s real job of figuring out their authentic talents, skills, and interests. The “false self” becomes particularly problematic in adolescence..."
4/
"Adolescents need support as they go about the task of figuring out their identities, their future selves.
Too often what they get is intrusion.
Intrusion & support are fundamentally different: support is about the needs of the child, intrusion about the needs of the parent."
"Adolescents need support as they go about the task of figuring out their identities, their future selves.
Too often what they get is intrusion.
Intrusion & support are fundamentally different: support is about the needs of the child, intrusion about the needs of the parent."
5/
"Studies of public school students have shown that as many as 22 percent of adolescent girls from financially comfortable families suffer from clinical depression. This is three times the national rate of depression for adolescent girls."
"Studies of public school students have shown that as many as 22 percent of adolescent girls from financially comfortable families suffer from clinical depression. This is three times the national rate of depression for adolescent girls."
6/
"By the end of high school, as many as ⅓ of girls from these families can exhibit clinically significant symptoms of anxiety.
Boys from affluent families also have elevated rates of anxiety & depression early in high school, less pronounced than their female counterparts."
"By the end of high school, as many as ⅓ of girls from these families can exhibit clinically significant symptoms of anxiety.
Boys from affluent families also have elevated rates of anxiety & depression early in high school, less pronounced than their female counterparts."
7/
"While Catherine spends every available minute during the week studying, she spends the better part of many weekends high on cocaine, both because the drug is popular among her peer group, but also because it allows her to stay up after partying and still study."
"While Catherine spends every available minute during the week studying, she spends the better part of many weekends high on cocaine, both because the drug is popular among her peer group, but also because it allows her to stay up after partying and still study."
8/
"To avoid the inevitable “crash” that follows cocaine use, she takes sleeping pills to get to sleep on Sunday night. Catherine’s parents, who view her as “almost out the door,” are unaware of their daughter’s drug habit..."
"To avoid the inevitable “crash” that follows cocaine use, she takes sleeping pills to get to sleep on Sunday night. Catherine’s parents, who view her as “almost out the door,” are unaware of their daughter’s drug habit..."
9/
"A Frontline special on PBS investigates an outbreak of syphilis in a prosperous town outside of Atlanta, Georgia. Over 200 youngsters are affected, some as young as twelve. In interviews, the town youngsters describe binge drinking, sexual promiscuity,"
"A Frontline special on PBS investigates an outbreak of syphilis in a prosperous town outside of Atlanta, Georgia. Over 200 youngsters are affected, some as young as twelve. In interviews, the town youngsters describe binge drinking, sexual promiscuity,"
10/
" peer pressure, a desire to fit in, and an absence of adult supervision as the contributing factors to the epidemic. “We heard a lot about emptiness,” comments one of the researchers on the program."
" peer pressure, a desire to fit in, and an absence of adult supervision as the contributing factors to the epidemic. “We heard a lot about emptiness,” comments one of the researchers on the program."
11/
"Teens are particularly likely to be drawn to other teens with poor values when they are experiencing high levels of stress, either within or outside the family."
"Teens are particularly likely to be drawn to other teens with poor values when they are experiencing high levels of stress, either within or outside the family."
12/
"Teens in particular have brains that are prone to sensation seeking, have trouble with impulse control, and are vulnerable to toxins in the environment, whether that’s alcohol or a bad relationship with a parent."
"Teens in particular have brains that are prone to sensation seeking, have trouble with impulse control, and are vulnerable to toxins in the environment, whether that’s alcohol or a bad relationship with a parent."
13/
"When teenagers chronically use drugs to alleviate feelings of depression/anxiety, they can experience short-term relief.
they also experience brain changes, which in the long run will worsen the very psychiatric symptoms that were initially alleviated by drug & alcohol use."
"When teenagers chronically use drugs to alleviate feelings of depression/anxiety, they can experience short-term relief.
they also experience brain changes, which in the long run will worsen the very psychiatric symptoms that were initially alleviated by drug & alcohol use."
14/
"two factors repeatedly emerge as contributing to their high levels of emotional problems. The first is achievement pressure and the second is isolation from parents."
"two factors repeatedly emerge as contributing to their high levels of emotional problems. The first is achievement pressure and the second is isolation from parents."
15/
"In fact, achievement pressure often comes from parents who are overinvolved in how well their children perform and inadequately involved in monitoring these same children in other areas."
"In fact, achievement pressure often comes from parents who are overinvolved in how well their children perform and inadequately involved in monitoring these same children in other areas."
16/
"Anxiety is particularly disturbing to children since it disrupts their basic sense of security."
"Anxiety is particularly disturbing to children since it disrupts their basic sense of security."
17/
"On the contrary, high expectations are found to promote achievement and competency in children. It is when a parent’s love is experienced as conditional on achievement that children are at risk for serious emotional problems."
"On the contrary, high expectations are found to promote achievement and competency in children. It is when a parent’s love is experienced as conditional on achievement that children are at risk for serious emotional problems."
18/
"Being “everywhere” is about intrusion; being “nowhere” is about lack of connection."
"Being “everywhere” is about intrusion; being “nowhere” is about lack of connection."
19/
"For example, parents need to remember that kids love rituals and depend on them for a sense of continuity and connection. Perhaps the single most important ritual a family can observe is having dinner together."
"For example, parents need to remember that kids love rituals and depend on them for a sense of continuity and connection. Perhaps the single most important ritual a family can observe is having dinner together."
20/
"It makes no sense to say that children of privilege are running into epidemic levels of emotional problems simply because their parents are financially comfortable. While “money doesn’t buy happiness” rings true, it seems like a stretch to say that it buys unhappiness."
"It makes no sense to say that children of privilege are running into epidemic levels of emotional problems simply because their parents are financially comfortable. While “money doesn’t buy happiness” rings true, it seems like a stretch to say that it buys unhappiness."
21/
"Money certainly can buy all kinds of “stuff.” It can make it easy to purchase services, and it can buy unique and interesting experiences, but research is very clear on this: money buys neither happiness nor unhappiness."
"Money certainly can buy all kinds of “stuff.” It can make it easy to purchase services, and it can buy unique and interesting experiences, but research is very clear on this: money buys neither happiness nor unhappiness."
22/
"Most parents try to provide “the best” for their children, and many upper-middle-class parents are driven to work hard, not primarily for material goods, but to be able to provide their children with superior educational opportunities."
"Most parents try to provide “the best” for their children, and many upper-middle-class parents are driven to work hard, not primarily for material goods, but to be able to provide their children with superior educational opportunities."
23/
"As we’ve seen, once basic needs are met, there is no relationship between money and happiness. Materialism, on the other hand, does predict a lack of happiness and satisfaction. Materialism is a value system that emphasizes wealth, status, image, and material consumption."
"As we’ve seen, once basic needs are met, there is no relationship between money and happiness. Materialism, on the other hand, does predict a lack of happiness and satisfaction. Materialism is a value system that emphasizes wealth, status, image, and material consumption."
24/
"We all have things, luxuries really, that we’ve become attached to and would feel deprived without. Liking stuff isn’t the problem; liking stuff more than people is."
"We all have things, luxuries really, that we’ve become attached to and would feel deprived without. Liking stuff isn’t the problem; liking stuff more than people is."
25/
"One of the largest and most disturbing studies done on the trend toward an increasingly materialistic orientation among young people comes from the annual survey conducted by the University of California at Los Angeles and the American Council on Education."
"One of the largest and most disturbing studies done on the trend toward an increasingly materialistic orientation among young people comes from the annual survey conducted by the University of California at Los Angeles and the American Council on Education."
26/
"When asked (by researchers at UCLA ) about reasons for going to college during the 1960s and early seventies, most students placed the highest value on “becoming an educated person” or “developing a philosophy of life.”"
"When asked (by researchers at UCLA ) about reasons for going to college during the 1960s and early seventies, most students placed the highest value on “becoming an educated person” or “developing a philosophy of life.”"
27/
"Beginning in the 1990s, a majority of students say that “making a lot of money” has become the most important reason to go to college, outranking both the reasons above, as well as “becoming an authority in my field,” or “helping others in difficulty."
"Beginning in the 1990s, a majority of students say that “making a lot of money” has become the most important reason to go to college, outranking both the reasons above, as well as “becoming an authority in my field,” or “helping others in difficulty."
28/
"Research shows that our own levels of materialism profoundly affect our children’s levels of materialism. When parents—mothers in particular—value financial success more than affiliation, community, or self-acceptance,they are likely to have children who share these values."
"Research shows that our own levels of materialism profoundly affect our children’s levels of materialism. When parents—mothers in particular—value financial success more than affiliation, community, or self-acceptance,they are likely to have children who share these values."
29/
"While occasionally parents transmit materialistic values openly, more often the ways in which we encourage materialism in our children are subtle and unintentional."
"While occasionally parents transmit materialistic values openly, more often the ways in which we encourage materialism in our children are subtle and unintentional."
30/
"Most of us have heard the term “retail therapy,” or “shopping therapy.” We live in a complex and frightening world, one in which many people feel they have little control."
"Most of us have heard the term “retail therapy,” or “shopping therapy.” We live in a complex and frightening world, one in which many people feel they have little control."
31/
"Without a robust sense of self, and in the absence of family, community, or religious support, the world can seem overwhelming and frightening."
"Without a robust sense of self, and in the absence of family, community, or religious support, the world can seem overwhelming and frightening."
32/
"Shopping is one way to control our environment. It puts us in charge of transactions and confers a sense of power on the buyer. This type of power is illusory, of course."
"Shopping is one way to control our environment. It puts us in charge of transactions and confers a sense of power on the buyer. This type of power is illusory, of course."
33/
"Because #advertising is designed to first make us feel insecure and then solve our insecurity by offering products, it is particularly problematic for adolescents, who already feel terribly insecure."
"Because #advertising is designed to first make us feel insecure and then solve our insecurity by offering products, it is particularly problematic for adolescents, who already feel terribly insecure."
34/
"Adolescent girls in particular are vulnerable to the siren song of materialism and consumerism because they are more likely to be in the marketplace than boys."
"Adolescent girls in particular are vulnerable to the siren song of materialism and consumerism because they are more likely to be in the marketplace than boys."
35/
"Taking your daughter shopping to “chase away the blues,” or because “she brightens up whenever we go shopping,” not only teaches materialistic values, it also prevents the development of skills for dealing with sad feelings."
"Taking your daughter shopping to “chase away the blues,” or because “she brightens up whenever we go shopping,” not only teaches materialistic values, it also prevents the development of skills for dealing with sad feelings."
36/
"Throwing material goods at problems is a notoriously unsuccessful solution;
Materialism and competition go hand in hand. Consumer goods have magical, curative powers only when they are not possessed by too many others."
"Throwing material goods at problems is a notoriously unsuccessful solution;
Materialism and competition go hand in hand. Consumer goods have magical, curative powers only when they are not possessed by too many others."
37/
"Having money can make it easy to externalize problems, which in turn can cultivate materialism.
Parents are role models, and when they use money to manipulate behavior, they teach their children to be manipulative as well."
"Having money can make it easy to externalize problems, which in turn can cultivate materialism.
Parents are role models, and when they use money to manipulate behavior, they teach their children to be manipulative as well."
38/
"Buying children off is a parenting strategy that only leads to a lessening of parental power and a fortifying of childish greed."
"Buying children off is a parenting strategy that only leads to a lessening of parental power and a fortifying of childish greed."
39/
"Try to take pleasure in your child’s idiosyncratic interests. It is at this intersection of internal motivation, parental support, and developing interests that the child’s sense of self is taking shape."
"Try to take pleasure in your child’s idiosyncratic interests. It is at this intersection of internal motivation, parental support, and developing interests that the child’s sense of self is taking shape."
40/
"A young child’s sense of self is formed largely by the opinions of his parents. Their approval/disapproval provides the foundation upon which a child begins to have a sense of who he is & whether or not he is lovable - the core of all healthy self-development."
"A young child’s sense of self is formed largely by the opinions of his parents. Their approval/disapproval provides the foundation upon which a child begins to have a sense of who he is & whether or not he is lovable - the core of all healthy self-development."
41/
"Children who don’t feel that they “own” their lives, children for whom feelings, thoughts, and actions come from outside as much as they come from inside, are at risk for being easily manipulated by others."
"Children who don’t feel that they “own” their lives, children for whom feelings, thoughts, and actions come from outside as much as they come from inside, are at risk for being easily manipulated by others."
42/
"By definition, learning frustration tolerance means that our children have to be frustrated, learning impulse control means that some impulses must be denied, and learning to delay gratification means that kids can’t have everything they want."
"By definition, learning frustration tolerance means that our children have to be frustrated, learning impulse control means that some impulses must be denied, and learning to delay gratification means that kids can’t have everything they want."
43/
"research in brain development shows that infant’s brain is neurologically altered by the quality of the mother-child relationship.
Our brains are constantly being shaped by experience, but babies “outsource” much of their physiological/emotional governance to caregivers."
"research in brain development shows that infant’s brain is neurologically altered by the quality of the mother-child relationship.
Our brains are constantly being shaped by experience, but babies “outsource” much of their physiological/emotional governance to caregivers."
44/
"The greatest predictor of a child’s secure attachment is a parent who has achieved, whether from their own secure childhood or from later positive experiences, what Main, Hesse, and their colleagues call a “secure-autonomous” state of mind with respect to attachment."
"The greatest predictor of a child’s secure attachment is a parent who has achieved, whether from their own secure childhood or from later positive experiences, what Main, Hesse, and their colleagues call a “secure-autonomous” state of mind with respect to attachment."
45/
"By mid-adolescence, we are most helpful when we explore alternatives with our teenagers, leaving the final decision in their hands as often as is safe and appropriate, in order to encourage their confidence and decision-making skills."
"By mid-adolescence, we are most helpful when we explore alternatives with our teenagers, leaving the final decision in their hands as often as is safe and appropriate, in order to encourage their confidence and decision-making skills."
46/
"Getting stuck at a particular point in development throws children off course. The youngster unable to master enough self-control early in elementary school to stay in his seat, raise his hand, wait to be called on, is certain to run into trouble later in elementary school."
"Getting stuck at a particular point in development throws children off course. The youngster unable to master enough self-control early in elementary school to stay in his seat, raise his hand, wait to be called on, is certain to run into trouble later in elementary school."
47/
"Parents who make excuses for their youngster’s bad behavior, who don’t allow him to experience the consequences of his impulsivity hinder his forward progress."
"Parents who make excuses for their youngster’s bad behavior, who don’t allow him to experience the consequences of his impulsivity hinder his forward progress."
48/
"Play is a way of miniaturizing the world so that children can try their hand at different situations and strategies. It is a mistake to constantly be managing your child’s playtime."
"Play is a way of miniaturizing the world so that children can try their hand at different situations and strategies. It is a mistake to constantly be managing your child’s playtime."
48/
"Negative accusations (“Why were you so mean to your brother?” “You must be hyper, the teacher says you’re always squirming around.”) can lead children to overgeneralize and feel that they are completely selfish or mean or difficult."
"Negative accusations (“Why were you so mean to your brother?” “You must be hyper, the teacher says you’re always squirming around.”) can lead children to overgeneralize and feel that they are completely selfish or mean or difficult."
49/
"Children need to see that we value their character first, their effort second, and then their grades.
...
you feel awful (or worse yet, angry) about an occasional low grade or elated about a high grade, then you are probably overinvolved or intrusive."
"Children need to see that we value their character first, their effort second, and then their grades.
...
you feel awful (or worse yet, angry) about an occasional low grade or elated about a high grade, then you are probably overinvolved or intrusive."
50/
"Beginning at about age twelve there are dramatic changes in both sex and stress hormones, both of which affect impulse control and psychological adjustment."
"Beginning at about age twelve there are dramatic changes in both sex and stress hormones, both of which affect impulse control and psychological adjustment."
51/
"Because the drive toward separation is great at this time, kids who used to love to engage in activities with their parents are now appalled at the very suggestion."
"Because the drive toward separation is great at this time, kids who used to love to engage in activities with their parents are now appalled at the very suggestion."
52/
"Just as the young child crafted a sense of self out of the “mirror” of the mother, teens this age craft a sense of self out of the mirror of their peers. "
"Just as the young child crafted a sense of self out of the “mirror” of the mother, teens this age craft a sense of self out of the mirror of their peers. "
53/
"The shifting allegiances of teens at this age make the reliability of this mirror quite poor, only adding to the young teen’s confusions about how she measures up in the world."
"The shifting allegiances of teens at this age make the reliability of this mirror quite poor, only adding to the young teen’s confusions about how she measures up in the world."
54/
"It is critical that parents bear in mind that this is a temporary state of affairs and that in spite of appearances to the contrary, kids this age are still very dependent on their parents for a sense of well-being."
"It is critical that parents bear in mind that this is a temporary state of affairs and that in spite of appearances to the contrary, kids this age are still very dependent on their parents for a sense of well-being."
55/
"We should never, ever, allow our kids to buy their way out of trouble. When we mitigate natural consequences for our kids we deprive them of one of life’s most important lessons: that we are held accountable for our actions."
"We should never, ever, allow our kids to buy their way out of trouble. When we mitigate natural consequences for our kids we deprive them of one of life’s most important lessons: that we are held accountable for our actions."
56/56
These excerpts are from
"The Price of Privilege: How Parental Pressure and Material Advantage Are Creating a Generation of Disconnected and Unhappy Kids", by Madeline Levine @DrMadelineL
I used the Kindle e-book edition.
amzn.to/3Fyvshf
These excerpts are from
"The Price of Privilege: How Parental Pressure and Material Advantage Are Creating a Generation of Disconnected and Unhappy Kids", by Madeline Levine @DrMadelineL
I used the Kindle e-book edition.
amzn.to/3Fyvshf
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