Neanderthal (aka Man) Rules

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.
1. Birthdays, Valentine’s Day & anniversaries are not grail quests to see if we can find the perfect present.
1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
1. Saturday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes, tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Check your oil! Please.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus didn’t need direction & neither do we.
1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first 2months we were going out. Get over it & quit whining to your girlfriends.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we’ll act like nothing's wrong. We know you’re lying but it’s just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the offside rule, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. No – you really do have too many shoes.
1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together.
No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

The only one I can equivocally accept is the one about checking the oil in the car.

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More from @RCdeWinter

31 Dec 21
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there, warm and happy, and soon began singing.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, promptly dug him out and ate him.
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31 Dec 21
When Jesus Christ was a very young boy of 8 or 9 years, he did all the things other boys of his age did. He played with his toys and ran with his friends. But like most little boys that age, he really wanted a puppy.
He begged Joseph to let him have one but Joseph said he wasn't ready for the responsibility.
Jesus continued to beg and beg and promised to be responsible. And then one day Joseph came home with a puppy and Jesus was so happy.
"Now Jesus, this dog is your responsibility,” said Joseph.

"Yes, I know,” said Jesus.
"You need to feed him every day."

"I will,” said Jesus.
Read 7 tweets
31 Dec 21
A man was hunting when a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over & discharged, shooting him in the genitals.
As he was lying in a hospital bed he was approached by his doctor.
"Well, I have some good news & some bad news. The good news is that you’re going to be OK.”
“The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, & we were able to remove all of the buckshot."

What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.
"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."
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31 Dec 21
#poetry

midnight music

the symphony of the lost community
you orchestrated
pounds in my veins
its syncopation my heartbeat

you and i were charter members
of that outcast tribe
we knew every inch of that terrain
it was mapped in our genes
you walked those mountains
fearless openhearted
i lagged behind
afraid of what i might discover

when you fell you did it quietly
with no surprise or apprehension
you predicted it and owned it
like the ancient soul you were
i was not there
to see you sail into blackness
and had i been
it would have made no difference
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31 Dec 21
#poetry

Rabbit

In the pale spring sun I sit,
enervated, frail,
burdened with writhing demons
that riot every day,
infecting what should be calm with chaos.
I am singularly ill-equipped to conquer them;
if there is nothing rippling the surface
of life's lake I invent something,
some vague possibility of disaster,
and then I am done for.
Those devils take what I make
and set it in a hall of mirrors, where,
multiplied, magnified, its golem mouth gapes,
raw and red, and swallows me as neatly as ever
Jonah's whale swallowed him.
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30 Dec 21
You Know You're From #Connecticut When...

You have hiked up a big hill or small mountain at least once for a keg party.

You never went to a bar in high school.

You thought that the only highways were 91 and 84.

You thought everyone couldn't buy beer after 8 pm
You have been to Misquamicut and to that little hot dog place.

There is a farm within miles of your house.

You don't have an accent when you talk. #Truth!
You have known at least 2 preppy rich kids from Fairfield who listen to Phish.
Disclaimer: I’m from Fairfield and I’ve never listened to Phish. But yes, even back in the dark ages I knew a lot of preppy kids in high school.
Read 9 tweets

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