RC deWinter Profile picture
Jongleur trying to do it all. My existence is my verification. I don’t suffer fools, gladly or otherwise. Love me or leave me. alt @hostagegina
AlgoCompSynth by znmeb Profile picture 1 added to My Authors
Jul 27 6 tweets 2 min read
Mr. Penis requests a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor
I work at great depths
I work head first
I do not get personal vacation days, weekends off, or public holidays
I work in a damp environment
I don't get paid overtime I work in a dark place that has poor ventilation
I work in high temperatures
My work exposes me to contagious diseases
Jul 27 6 tweets 1 min read
>Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.

>Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

>Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

>Woman who dance wearing jock strap, have make believe ballroom >Squirrel who runs up woman’s' leg will not find nuts.

>Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

>Two wrongs not make right, but two rights make U-turn

>Man under wheelbarrow playing with tool, not necessarily mechanic
Jul 27 6 tweets 2 min read
A young man finally worked up the courage to ask a girl to prom...
She said yes and he started to prepare to make the night as memorable as he can for the both of them. First he went to rent a tuxedo. He The line at the store was almost out the door. He got in line to wait his turn. One by one the line shortened in. When it was finally his turn he said he wanted to rent a tuxedo. They got his measurements and was outfitted for a tux.
Jul 27 5 tweets 2 min read

Memo to Hopper

All those women, Edward.
Every one – shabby or glamorous, naked or clothed,
Standing or sitting or lying in the burning eye of morning sun
or ravaged by the winds of every season's night –
all of them the same woman.

The primal heart of your being. But for all your genius you were just a man, seesawing
in the arms of the Madonna and the Mystery.
Never sure on any given day which would own you,
but always knowing woman is both, and always will be.
Jul 26 5 tweets 1 min read
A fellow was getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second fellow approached and asked if he can join him. The first said he usually plays alone but agreed to let the second guy join him. Both were even after the first couple of holes. The second guy said, “Say, we're about evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a hole?"
Jul 26 6 tweets 1 min read
Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.
The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Jul 26 5 tweets 1 min read
The military was cutting staff and decided to get rid of three generals –One each from the Army, the Air Force and the Marines. All of them were old, grizzled men who had seen their fair share of war, so the Pentagon came up with a unique bonus system for their service. They can choose two points of their bodies and for every inch between them they would get $10k.
Jul 26 5 tweets 1 min read
A man was looking for a unique pet...
A man was looking for a unique pet so he stopped at a pet store off the beaten path in New York City. He went inside and asked the pet shop owner to show him something different. "Well right over here we have a magic rat. I won't tell you what it does but trust me, it is unique."

His curiosity was piqued so he bought the rat and took it outside. He placed it on the ground and starting walking with it.
Jul 26 8 tweets 2 min read
Two prawns were swimming around in the sea one day. The first one was called Justin and the second one was called Kristian. They were continually being chased and threatened by the sharks that inhabited the area. Eventually Justin had had enough. He said to Kristian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn. I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have to worry about being eaten all the time.
Jul 26 9 tweets 2 min read
There was a mouse that used to stop by a neighborhood tavern every night. Like clockwork at 5:15 pm the screen door would open & if you looked closely you’d see that crazy little mouse. He’d sprint to a bar stool, spin around the pole on 2 arm & hop the on cushion with a big grin High fives with the bartender. “Gimme a beer, Sam!” “Sure thing, Mouse!” Their usual routine before the small talk.
Jul 26 9 tweets 2 min read
Everywhere in the auld country tales were told of a man named Happy.

Happy wasn’t just a happy-go-lucky kind of fella, he was also the nicest guy you ever would meet. He was polite to everyone. Helped the Shaughnessy twins run their farm after their pa died. Cleared the sidewalks of snow in front of the doctor’s office. Bought Old Lady MacGregor’s cookies when she was low on cash and then handed them out to the village kids after school.
Jul 26 14 tweets 2 min read
Two traveling salesmen were riding together across West Texas when their car began to sputter and cough. Soon it died completely and they were stranded on the side of a state highway with little traffic. Fortunately, a pick up truck pulled over to help. The driver was an attractive middle aged woman in jeans and a work shirt. She told them the closest town with a mechanic was 60 miles away, and since it was past 5:00 pm they would be closed anyway until the next day.
Jul 26 4 tweets 1 min read
A guy saw a penguin wandering in the streets downtown.
He took it to the nearest police station to ask for advice.
"Officer, I found this penguin, what should I do?"

Officer: “What’s he doing there?? Take him to the zoo!

The man said ok and left the police station. A few hours later the police officer was looking out the window and saw the man and the penguin holding hands and walking down the street.
Jul 25 5 tweets 1 min read
A young man was vacationing in Spain when he happened to wander into a pub populated entirely by tourists, most of whom were in the midst of playing some kind of trivia game. The young man sat down at a vacant table and listened for a while, realizing the game is focused entirely on the many hotels, motels, and hostels that dot the country. He thought it would get boring but he ended up becoming more and more interested.
Jul 25 4 tweets 1 min read
Tarzan had just taught his new girlfriend, Jane, how to swing from a vine. Jane saw a long, thin stick hanging among the vines. "Can I try swinging from that?" she asked Tarzan.

"You can try," replied Tarzan. "But trust me, it won't work." So Jane grabbed the stick. Then, much to Tarzan's amazement, Jane was swinging from the stick just as well as he had ever swung from a vine!
Jul 25 9 tweets 2 min read
A company that sold nails decided to start advertising their product.
Their CEO went to an ad agency to inquire about creating a large billboard downtown. He met with an account executive and told him: "We have a good business, but I just feel like most people have never heard of us. They just go down to one of these big box stores and buy whatever brand of nails they happen to have. I want people to know that Johnson’s Nails is the best brand out there,
Jul 25 4 tweets 1 min read
A man was driving down the highway at 60 mph when a 3-legged chicken passed by him.
In shock, he decided to follow the chicken down a dirt road. He saw the chicken run onto a farm and into barn. The man got out of his car and went to the front door to speak with the farmer. “Sir, I’m sorry to bother you, but I was driving down the highway doing at least 60 mph when I was passed by a 3-legged chicken. I followed him here and saw run into your barn back there. Do you know anything about this?”
Jul 25 4 tweets 1 min read
A car full of Irish nuns was sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulled up along side of them.

"Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouted one of the drunks. Quite shocked, Mother Superior turned to Sister Mary Immaculata and sayid, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."
Jul 25 7 tweets 1 min read
A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting!" thought the man. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself. Still, the man was too shy to speak to His Holiness.
Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry on bag and began penciling in the answers.
"This is fantastic!" the man mused. "I'm really good at crosswords!"
Jul 24 5 tweets 1 min read
It’s nearing the end of the semester in a philosophy class at a prestigious university. The 100+ students waited eagerly for the professor to enter the auditorium & begin the final exam. They all had their notebooks out because the final was open book. The professor entered and, without saying a word, put his chair on top of the podium. Then he said, “Using everything you know about philosophy write an essay proving this chair does not exist.”
Jul 24 4 tweets 1 min read
Psychology Definitions

* A psychologist is a person who tells you what everybody knows in a language nobody can understand.
* The superego is 1) that part of the personality soluble in alcohol, 2) the superego is that small inner voice that warns us that someone may be looking. * A neurotic is a person who has discovered the secret of perpetual emotion.
* A Freudian Slip is when you say one thing and mean your mother.
* A hypochondriac is a person who wants to have his ache and treat it too.