Thread by @Wizarab10

According to Joanna Potkanska, a Toronto-based social worker and trauma-informed psychotherapist, “We tend to remain in patterns that are familiar to us. We often do not realize that the relationships we are in are abusive, especially if we grew up in dysfunctional families.”

https://twitter.com/Curtisphorbes1/status/1484713901715599361

Generally, I like to believe that we accept the love we think we deserve. However, it would be unfair to blame the abused for a person's poor character. Those who have a history of repeated circle of abuse have their world view skewed to a point they forget the rainbow exist.

One of the downside to victimhood is that victims most often blame themselves. The idea that we are loved as we are being abused, or that we are being abused because we are loved is an inherent flaw that develops with acceptance of an abusive reality.

This reflect on how difficult it is for a person with repeated circle of abuse to appreciate genuine love. They begin to question the intention behind every act of service, every show of kindness, every gift, every show of intimacy because in their world, it exist only in novels.

Wounded attachment is an insidious component of an abusive regime. Abuse people tend to remain in that situation, or are drawn to such familiar situations, and where such does not exist, they tend to recreate it by frustrating a good person into becoming abusive.

At the risk of sounding cliche, environment have a big role to play in how people see themselves. People who grew up with love and have heathy relationship with parents and mentors whom they can trust with their personal lives have it easier in navigating murky relationships.

This is because they are familiar with healthy relationships and can make comparisons. This is unlike a person who grew up in an abusive home and environment whose relationship exposure are all toxic. They tend to concede that this is what life has in store for them.

We live in a 'dog eat dog' world. While in general, the strong prey on the weak, this is not always so in abusive relationship. Victims of abuse are not often whom you expect. They are the one people call strong, the career driven person who has life figured out.

They are abused because sometimes, abusers love a challenge.

'The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places. But those that will not break it kills. It kills the very good and the very gentle and the very brave impartially.'
-Ernest Hemmingway

The very successful woman CEO, the Valedictorian with 7 scholarships to IVY League schools, the chivalrous gentleman who always wear a smile that everyone loves. Abuse people don't always look like what they are going through because they have to keep up appearances.

Abusers are not always insecure. Sometimes, they have a very big sense of self and just want to be in control. Abuse can start as a surprise till you get sucked in. You go from being mushy in love to being moony because the person you thought was LOYL woke up a dragon.

Hence, it is unfair to always blame victims of abuse but we can try to understand where they are coming from. Many of these victims have bonded in trauma with their abusers and thus, even when you try to rescue them, they find themselves going back. The curse of familiar pattern.

Breaking free from the circle of abuse takes time. Victims need therapy, honest friends and good support system because they need an identity separate from their abuse.

I hope I haven't gone off the tangent. Abuse just feels like something we could talk about more and the weekend seem to be a good fit.

I am familiar with the saying that the bad guys get the girls and that speaks more to how broken majority of us are.

For clarity, I do not belong to the school of being toxic to get the girl. Be kind, be chivalrous, be lovely. We all need love in a world filled with toxicity. Yes, a life of love will have some thorns but a life without love will have no roses.

It is gross wickedness and inhumanity for someone to open up about their abuse to you and you take advantage of them to further their abusive experience. If you can't help them, leave them alone.

To every abuse victim out there - even though you don't look like it, I hope you heal. Peace, Hugs and Flowers 🙏🏿