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Jan 25 • 4 tweets • 1 min read
PM'S AIDE: The PM had demanded a rapid deployment force.
CHIEF OF DEFENCE: Yes. I know
AIDE: So where is it?
COD: You're looking at it.
AIDE: That's just Mark Francois holding a spatula
COD: Yes, well, 20 years of financial cuts and mismanagement will do that to an army.
PM'S AIDE: That's really it?
CHIEF OF DEFENCE: Well technically I could call up Penny Mordaunt too, but I think the Prime Minister might question her loyalty.
AIDE: I suppose I should be grateful we have a spatula
COD: Ah. Actually we don't. That's on loan from the Americans.
PM'S AIDE: Don't we have any tanks?
CHIEF OF DEFENCE: Not really. Just one for Defence Ministers to sit in
AIDE: Bugger
COD: Oh wait, we've got some AVs that make people deaf! Forgot about those.
AIDE: The enemy?
COD: No, our chaps. Still, it's the thought that counts, isn't it?
PM'S AIDE: I don't get how we don't have tanks.
CHIEF OF DEFENCE: Well we do. Big shiny things. Challenger 3s. They're just not ready yet.
AIDE: Oh thank God. When can they be ready?
COD: 2027.
AIDE: O'Clock?
COD: No, AD.

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More from @garius

John Bull Profile picture
Jan 26
I see Cosplay Thatcher is now trying to do an actual Thatcher voice as well.
Compare with classic Liz, pre-Thatcher Senpai stage.

She's been coached to talk lower, slower and less expressively.

I presume in part by the old "move your mouth less" trick (I use it doing voice overs where I need to sound like a senior army officer).
I presume the next step on the Cosplay Thatcher plan is to start doing more severe or boufed hair.

Whoever is coaching her is going with the old "don't change too much at once or people will notice" routine.
Read 4 tweets
John Bull Profile picture
Jan 25
Much as I have enjoyed the rockstar lifestyle of living on a heady cocktail of soup, booze and painkillers, I am very much looking forward to a return to solid food.
Although based on my viral tweet output this week it seems I am at my most creative when on soup, painkillers and booze.

Which is concerning.
It's not the painkillers and booze bit that bothers me. I could keep doing those.

I just cannot face any more tubs of soup where the depth of flavour is inversely proportional to the number of hipster ingredients on the label.
Read 4 tweets
John Bull Profile picture
Jan 25
If Rishi's meteoric rise gets done in because he had a slice of Colin the Caterpillar I will laugh my arse off.
Meanwhile at Scotland Yard. Colin the Caterpillar cake ...
Colin the catepillar cake w...
Read 11 tweets
John Bull Profile picture
Jan 25
Remember: Putin has personal history with NATO.

As FSB head, he was part of the gang of three that pushed into Kosovo behind Yeltsin's back at the end of the Balkan Wars.

NATO 'won' there and he swore not to be caught out again.

I wrote about that here: medium.com/lapsed-histori… What Yeltsin’s thoughts on the matter were remains unclearWith or without Yeltsin’s direct knowledge, a deal was str“I felt as if I were the defeated one.” Said General Iva
A lot of the narrative about Putin's relationship with the former Soviet republics (and quasi-satellites like Serbia) starts as if he entered power with a blank slate of feelings towards them and NATO.

But he'd been building a personal history with both long before that.
One of the key reasons Putin always plays the strongman with NATO now, is because the time he personally didn't do that early on (Kosovo) was the time they (from his perspective) reneged on an agreement and embarrassed him in front of the satellites.
Read 4 tweets
John Bull Profile picture
Jan 25
I'm beyond the point where people who think leveling down London is the way to get investment up north receive a nice reply.

You'd think watching repeated Tory governments do the former without the latter would have been a clue.

It's an insta block these days.
90% of the time it's people who would (rightly) be up in arms if I started to claim I fully understood their transport/economic issues, or stereotyped them.

Yet they're happy to ignore London's enormous poverty problems and but into the "metropolitan elite" myth themselves.
Truth is, there is room for investment in both north AND south. But this government would rather make you think we're your enemy than properly invest in the north.

We're not. We're your ally. That's why they're CONSTANTLY trying to convince you we're not.
Read 7 tweets
John Bull Profile picture
Jan 24
I think I'd trust this government more if the only MPs still loyal to it didn't all look like Skyrim NPCs.
Rees-Mogg. Arrogant mage who gives you a mission to retrieve a mysterious staff. Turns out to be a vampire. No good loot on him. jacob rees mogg. not a vamp...
Michael Fabricant. Shifty af Jarl who tries to back both sides in the Skyrim Civil War. Always picks the wrong one.

Has a really shit magic longsword that you sell straight away. Image
Read 12 tweets

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