Thread by @TracyWesterman

*Trigger warning on abuse.
The long term & entrenched impacts of psychological & emotional domestic violence & abuse & its devastating impacts on victims is so badly understood. In many of the worst abusive rships, physical violence is minor or barely present 1/15

In Australia 1 woman a week is killed by an intimate partner. These statistics worryingly tell us it’s not the predator lurking down back alleys women should fear, but the men they fall in love with. The criminalisation of coercive control is such a critical step 2/15

As the family of Hannah Clarke said after she was burnt alive by her ex husband along with her three beautiful children; “Hannah never thought it was abuse because he never hit her”. However, the family had long seen many red flags 3/15

It is difficult, almost impossible for victims to see it as abuse as it is insidious and perpetrators deal in cycles of love bombing, covert devaluing, isolation & persecution, which slowly chips away at self worth.

A victim’s pain is a perpetrators narcissistic supply 4/15

Devaluing involves withdrawing displays of love; making the victims behaviour the focus of the relationship “problems” that are always manufactured & always involve the perpetrator constructing falsehoods around making themselves appear as either the victim or the hero. 5/15

Love bombing is usually public & ensures victims stay by acting as intermittent reinforcement & creating a “trauma bond”. Perpetrators then manipulate a persona of appearing kind, loving & dutiful while the victim is set up to appear “emotionally fragile” via the abuse cycle
6/15

Over time perpetrators often appear healthier in a relationship while the victim appears more unwell. There is a high risk of secondary abuse by police & systems, as it is easy to believe the problem lies with the victim because their symptoms are so clear. 7/15

Clinicians must err on the side of caution when it comes to assessing for psychological & emotional abuse in r’ship counselling. They can unwittingly become triangulated into enabling abuse via the perpetrators aptitude for cognitive empathy & victim gaslighting 8/15

I’ve had so many victims of psychological & emotional violence tell me they’ve lost count of how many times ppl have told them what a “nice bloke” their abusive ex partners are. The carefully constructed false mask that rarely drops. 9/15

Isolation from family & other supports occurs at the same time. This is insidious-e.g the subtle pointing out of “faults” in family & friends. The perpetrator then becomes the only one who truly loves them for all of their “faults” 10/15

It’s no surprise perpetrators surround themselves with two types of people; enablers or tongue biters, who, regardless of how awful the perpetrators behaviour is will hero worship them & quickly demonise the victim-usually family members.11/15

So many psychological aspects to isolation but it’s mostly about control & dominance. When you limit access to others there is no “normalcy” yardstick;no-one to help the victim name insidious behaviours as abuse & abuse unchecked always escalates. 12/15

Its so important others are tuned into this pattern.The most important 1st step is the naming & validation of their abuse.The best advice from 1 victim-“never give up on us. We need to find a safety net while our mind catches up with telling us we have the strength to leave13/15

There is also very sadly, significant shame in being a victim of abuse. Societal judgement & attribution of blame for not leaving or mostly not understanding the long term psychological impacts of it certainly don’t help. 14/15

As a victim of significant psychological abuse once put it;

“If my psychological scars were physical, I would, quite frankly be beaten to a pulp”

Lifeline 131114 can put you in touch with local shelters. 15/15