Thread by @RussInCheshire

#TheWeekInTory is my 3rd this week, but feels like my 30th. And it probs won't be the last.

1. Operation Save Big Dog reached the “eating his own faeces in the garden” stage, as his aides “strongly advised” Johnson not to lie about Starmer and Savile, then he did it anyway

2. He said he had nothing to apologise for, and raising Savile was “the right thing to do”

3. His aides threatened to resign if he didn’t apologise

4. Instead of apologising, he said everyone had misunderstood him, cos yeah Boris, WE’RE the problem here

5. Johnson’s sentient comfort blanket Michael Gove said it was a “slip of the tongue under pressure”, even though Johnson had rehearsed it in front of advisors before PMQ

6. Munira Mirza resigned. She was described as “Boris Johnson’s brain”, so thankfully we haven’t lost much

7. Johnson said he was “very sad she’s decided to leave”

8. He then claimed her leaving was his grand plan all along

9. His comms manager said “We’re very sorry Munira has decided to leave No 10”

10. And then his comms manager immediately quit too

11. Then 3 other aides quit

12. So Johnson compared himself to a lunatic monkey from the Lion King *on purpose*

13. And then a flange of spineless Tories started claiming Johnson forced resignations cos of his aides' roles in parties

14. Two of them hadn’t even been aides when the parties happened

15. Rubik’s gobshite Dominic Raab said lying to parliament about paedophilia was “the normal cut and thrust” of politics

16. And bestial antique dildo Jacob Rees-Mogg said the real problem in public life wasn’t the PM lying, but people “doubting the PM’s faith and honesty”

17. And then, having lost all his chief advisors, offended every one of Savile’s victims, been bollocked by the Speaker, called himself a gibbering ape, and forced most of his venal backbenchers to lie for him, Johnson tried to withdraw his remarks about Starmer anyway

18. After which, seemingly still in the dark about, yknow ... reality... James Cleverly, a dazzlingly effective one-man campaign to disprove nominative determinism, went on radio to still defend the Savile claims

19. Major Tory figures: “What a shitshow”

20. “It’s Armageddon”

21. “Johnson and his Poundland cabinet. You think it can’t get more ridiculous, and somehow he seems to make it worse”

22. “The problem isn’t just Boris. The problem is the party that chose him. They'll want Liz Truss next, not a frightfully good idea, to put it mildly”

23. So Johnson, a punctured bin-bag full of custard and Viagra, claimed Lynton Crosby was coming back to run No 10

24. This was a surprise to not only Crosby, but to No 10, who'd had no warning

25. Crosby said he’d answer the phone if Johnson called, but wouldn’t work for him

26. More than a dozen Tory MPs have called for him to go, which means over 300 of the shit-spackled goons still think this is all fine

27. Moving on: now we’re free from the stranglehold of the evil EU, energy prices rose 54%

28. In EU-dominated France they rose 4%

29. Rishi Sunak, a YTS kid who boasted he knew how to defuse a bomb and now has to style it out, said he had to raise energy prices

31. In UK, Shell made a 14-fold increase in profits and paid rich shareholders $8bn

30. France taxed oil profits rather than put up prices

32. Sunak couldn’t be arsed to chase a piddling £5 bn just last week

33. But he generously gave every household a £200 “rebate”

34. Except it’s not rebate, it’s a loan - basically bribing poor voters with their own money while Shell pays itself billions to destroy the planet

35. And Sunak simultaneously cost every household £2,875

36. The Bank of England predicted inflation will reach 7%

37. So ministers told people not to ask for pay rises

38. Then the *next day* ministers told off the Bank of England for urging people not to ask for pay rises

39. GDP forecasts were slashed for the 11th year in 12 years of Tory rule

40. And Uncle Fester cosplayer Therese Coffey won't release a report into lives of low-income people cos “it is necessary to protect the private space” of ministers who'd be affected by negative coverage

41. Brexit news: and once again our national experiment with the bounds of sanity broke international law in NI

42. Liz Truss said she’d have it all resolved in a month

43. Boris Johnson secretly told the DUP there was a less than 30% chance of it *ever* being resolved

44. The Stormont leader resigned in protest, imperilling the entire shared NI govt

45. Johnson said the NI protocol was “crazy”

46. Johnson had personally negotiated it, signed it, and forced it through Parliament without scrutiny, having already cancelled our democracy once

47. Meanwhile chaos at channel ports continues, with emergency traffic measures being triggered 11x more this year than has ever happened since records began

48. Jacked-up Pob doll Michael Gove published his long-awaited “Levelling Up” plans to help poor regions

49. It gives wealthy areas 10 x more funding than poor regions

50. Much of his plan was copied directly from Wikipedia

51. The rest was copied directly from Theresa May’s 2017 regeneration plan, which failed completely

52. The IFS said Gove’s masterplan was “unlikely to work”

53. The CBI chairman said “it is simply not good enough”

54. And in total, it provides less money than the Tories have cut from poor areas in the last 2 years alone, and which themselves were on the back of 10 years of record-breaking austerity. Happy Levelling Up, Red Wallers!

55. So these economic masterminds have given us the worst collapse in household incomes for 30 years ... which was last time they were in charge

56. Theresa May, who cut arts funding by 50%, wrote to her local council to complain about them closing local arts facilities

57. And the official statistics authority reprimanded Johnson and Rosa Klebb tribute act Priti Patel for lying about a 14% fall in crime, cos it’s actually gone up by 14%

58. This is all in just two days. Two. Two fucking days.

Look, this one isn't much of a giggle, and I'm sorry for that. But if this shit has made you as cross as it makes me, can I ask you to help people who need it?

If you're lucky enough to have a spare £10, please support the homeless @Shelter

Thanks

shelter.org.uk