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Feb 21 • 6 tweets • 1 min read
A television crew went to a sheep farm to film an interview with the shepherd about his daily routine.

"Our viewers would like to know what a regular day here on your sheep looks like. Can you start right from the beginning?" asked the reporter.
“Sure,” said the shepherd,”When I first wake up I take a sip of brandy to start off my day. Then I go out to release the sheep. I'm still sleepy so I take two sips on the way out and one more to have the energy to open the gate.”
Out in the field I meet my farmhand and we drink two whole bottles of brandy and then..."
"Oh, I'm sorry,” interrupted the reporter. “We can’t air that. Children will be watching and we don't want to make a bad impression. How about every time you drink you say you read a book instead?"
"Yeah, okay,” said the shepherd and started over: "Well, first thing in the morning I wake up & read a page of my book. Then I go outside & read 2 more pages then 1 more while opening the gate for the sheep. While out in field meet my farmhand and we read 2 books together.”
“Then we return home while reading page after page and lock the sheep in the barn. Finally at the end of the day we go to town where my friend has a library and we read ‘til the morning and start all over again."

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More from @RCdeWinter

RC deWinter Profile picture
Feb 21
A psychiatrist was conducting a therapy support group session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he stated.
To the first mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.”

He turned to the second mother and said, "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.”
He looked at the third mother and said, "Your obsession is alcohol. This shows itself in your child's name, Brandy ."
Read 4 tweets
RC deWinter Profile picture
Feb 21
A man decided to go on vacation to a Pacific island. When he stepped off the plane, it was amazing: Cool, light ocean breeze, palms gently swaying in the wind, white sandy beaches, drums off in the distance. He went to his hotel, checked in & started having the time of his life.
When he turned in on the first night he still heard drums off in the distance. They were charming at first, but now it was annoying and he had a hard time going to sleep. The next morning, he went to concierge and asked about the drums.
The concierge replied: "The drums, they never stop. Very, very bad if they stop."
Read 8 tweets
RC deWinter Profile picture
Feb 21
A man was boarding a train when he heard the Pope was also going to be on board.
"This is exciting," the man thought. "Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person."
Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat in the seat next to him, but the man was too shy to speak to the Pontiff.

Shortly after taking his seat the Pope began a crossword puzzle.
"This is fantastic," the man thought. "I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps if the Pope gets stuck he'll ask me for assistance.”
Read 6 tweets
RC deWinter Profile picture
Feb 21
The different parts of the body were arguing about who should be the boss of the body.

The brain said "I do all of the thinking and strategizing so I should be the boss"
The eyes said, "I provide vision and allow us to see what’s happening.”
The legs said "I provide all the mobility. I’m the get up and go.”
Read 5 tweets
RC deWinter Profile picture
Feb 21
#poetry

ghosted

in the teeth of a black night
i sat in the study
with a smoke and a brandy
contemplating the wreckage of my life
when the ghost of love appeared
and settled himself into a wing chair
following each puff and sip
with envious eyes
i smiled and rising crossed the room
waving the cigarette and the snifter
under his nose
his laughter the echo of silence
as he reached for me
his long lucent arms circling my legs
as if to pull me into his lap
i leaned into his transparency
feeling the heat of whatever was left of him
and he shattered into the music of forever
next i knew it was morning
cruel sunlight filling the room
with the promise of another day
and as i picked myself up off the floor
Read 5 tweets
RC deWinter Profile picture
Feb 20
Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently and there was concern that they may have died from Avian flu.
A bird pathologist examined the remains of all the crows and to everyone's relief confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian flu.
The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts. However, during detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the birds’ beaks and claws.
Read 6 tweets

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