Thread by @youngestpeso

Ladies and Gamers, this crab market is boring as shit, so I made some Bagholder Horoscopes that indicate what your bags say about you. We might be down bad but we are all down bad together.

BTC holders are the most generic investors, they only eat white rice, shop at Marshall's, and have missionary sex. Either they are trad-fi with $BTC in their portfolios for Twitter engagement or anarchists trying to abolish the financial system. Their only commonality is low IQ

$ETH holders who bought under $10 enjoy the finer things in life; like resin statues of anime characters, gaining weight, and donating to Ukraine. They find joy in spending a day’s minimum wage salary swapping dog coins. Most importantly they believe the merge is happening in Q4

You are devoid of feeling; your brain is fried from the 6 fig APYs making you wealthier than your entire bloodline, then you witness all your unrealized $OHM gains evaporate like water on a skillet. It's ok anon, you would have lost all the money on gas station lottery tickets

American Psycho is your favorite movie, you emotionally distance yourself from your investments. You tell yourself that, the truth is, you have been married to your bags for +3 months and are too stubborn to cut your losses. Sorry, $UNI is a down only coin and you can't stop it

You're a flat earther or a market maker for heroin on the dark web, no exceptions. You missed out on this bull because you were all in $ZEC and $XMR. It's okay anon just admit the earth is round and that privacy coins are down only the citadel doesn't discriminate on intelligence

You are jealous of your friend that made it. You tried to replicate his returns in 3 months while larping as a long-term investor. Luckily, there were many of you, so the trade into vapourware was profitable. You follow every VC and buy when they shill $AVAX, $SOL, and $DOT

You are worth 9 figs in $DOGE and $SHIBA. Your doctor said you would only amount to a sandwich artist at Subway but while he was working 80h a week, you were playing hopscotch in a minefield of shitcoins going from #Safemoon to $ELON to $HOGE making millions in a matter of days.

Stablecoin enjoyers are the @PeterSchiff's of the market. They enjoy long walks on the beach while knowing they are outpacing inflation, compounding those 20% annual returns. They don't realize that it's all cope because they are down infinity percent on $BTC and $ETH.

You are immune to FUD, Logic, and realized gains. You live in an asylum and use your commissary deposit to market buy LINK with your computer privileges. You developed a poop fetish after getting dumped on by Sergei for a year but none of that matters because $LINK 1k EOY

You are just rotators who married your bags and are now larping like you don't care being down six figures in unrealized gains. It's ok anon maybe next market cycle you'll realize that prices go up technology is the only good technology. $ICP's 25-year roadmap gave you a boner

You are a midwit, you enjoy Marvel movies and play Minecraft and use apps on light mode, 90% of the earth’s population are midwits so as long as we all agree that #BAYC, @moonbirds, and @doodles are pretty we can become richer than the bankers and fund managers.

These are the criminally insane cousins of the Link marines, they get gaslit daily by the devs and still refuse to sell. Every day they look at the MEV numbers and hope that $Rook captures 1% of that so they can retire and live out the rest of their days in a Japanese love hotel.

You are still running off the fumes of Defi summer while underperforming the market for the past 2 years, I’m sorry to say but $Sushi isn't the future of trading $YFI is just a savings account with hentai. When the devs stop dumping their allocations then it's good technology.