Thread by @rumpfshaker

omg y’all I cannot stop laughing help can’t breathe but if this is how I go at least it was a trip…

So I got woken up a little bit ago by this LOUD AND HORRIFYING sound.

One of Mother Nature’s creatures is brutally murdering another one in the backyard; I’m sure. /1

I’ve got the windows cracked because it’s nice weather, mid-60 degrees, and it sounds like whatever violent evisceration is going on is happening right outside my window at first.

#QuesoTheCat is absolutely losing it, yelling his own encouragement to the battle outside. /2

I try to ignore it at first but it is LOUD. Screeeeeeeechy screeeeches.

Omg and it won’t stop. Oh no what kind of horrific bloody mayhem awaits me in the morning? I’m picturing some sort of rodent intestines splattered all over. /3

It’s definitely not a dog or cat. SCREEEEEEEECH SCREEECH SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH

what the actual F is getting murdered in my backyard?!?

Then, the motion detector lights get triggered. I still can’t see because a hedge is in the way. /4

I get out of bed & walk around to room where I can get better view, cat bouncing like a toddler who just downed an entire liter of Mountain Dew next to me the whole way. /5

Got a clear direct view of the backyard & still can’t figure out what’s going on.

Then, some rustling noises in the bushes and that insane SCREEEEEEEEECH again…

It’s two very fluffy and fat f*cking raccoons making not-so-sweet love in the moonlight. /6

Mr. Raccoon is extremely, umm, energetic, in his motions, his big fluffy raccoon butt popping up and down in the bushes and both of them are just SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH SCREEECH SCREECH SCREEEEECH SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH /7

I laughed so hard tears were streaming down my face. Partly relief that there wasn’t actually a brutal critter murder happening and partly because wtf that raccoon is REALLY GOING AT IT

Mercy dude, pace yourself. You’re gonna have a lil’ raccoon coronary or something. /8

Keep in mind the WHOLE TIME, the cat is furiously meowing at them too.

So it actually sounds like SCREEEECH SCREEECH MEEEEOOOOW SCREEECH SCREEECH MEEEEEOOOWW /9

Anyway, I thought I should try to capture some proof of this but sex-crazed raccoons aren’t the easiest to photograph at night, but I did get a few. The motion detector lights kept popping on and off, which made it tough. /10

Here is Ms. Raccoon (I make neither assumptions nor judgments on the raccoons’ marital status), moments before her furry paramour would energetically attack her again. /11

Mr. Raccoon wandered off to another part of the yard for a few moments before returning. He’s walking past a pineapple plant I’ve spent over a year growing & I just know those bastards are plotting to steal it whenever it finally makes some fruit. 😡🍍 /12

Ah-ha! Reunited and the lights had come back on and I thought I was going to be able to get this absolutely batsh*t Actual Nature Porn™️ for y’all… /13

Dang it. By the time the lovin’ got going again, the lights were off.

Anyway, this is what raccoons sound like when they have sex.

Keep in mind this is through a closed window now. What originally woke me up was this happening RIGHT OUTSIDE MY OPEN WINDOW. /14

I googled it and apparently raccoons do scream when they mate, so there’s your something new you learned today.

You learning that fact through my tweets was much less traumatic than me learning it by being woken up at 3 am by SCREEEEEEECH SCREECH MEEEOOOW, so be grateful. /15

Going to try to chill and get some sleep now but felt like I should document this and share the entertainment before Elon takes over and tries to make me pay to post raccoon videos. 16/16

Have a good night, y’all! 🥱

lol so the motion detector light just popped on & I’m like oh no not again

Normal people: worried about burglars

Me: worried about nymphomaniac raccoons
🦝❤️🦝

quiet so far…keep me in your thoughts and prayers 🙏🏻