My fellow Russians

My quick & easy three day war into Ukraine has now run into its 9th month. We lost the battle of Kyiv, their capital & largest city. As you can see, my war started out tremendously well.. for the Ukrainians

#SlavaUkraini #TableBoy #CzarLilliPutin #LilliPutin Image
After we lost the battle of Kyiv, we proceeded to lose the battle of Kharkiv too. Kharkiv is their second largest city. After a prolonged battle we lost at Snake Island. Then we lost the battle for Izyum, a town we had seized. As you can tell, this war was going remarkably well Image
We have been eagerly retreating so much since March, that half of the terrain we once held in Ukraine has already been handed back to the Ukrainians. In the words of my pet & sex toy, Donald Trump, I call this unconventional type of military maneouvering: 'winning' Image
When our army fled Izyum, they left all our heavy weapons there for the Ukrainians to use against us in this war. This is part of my glorious plan. We did the same in our loss at Snake Island. We abandoned all our valuable military gear there too. We've gifted Ukraine 500 tanks Image
All of our Russian tanks have turned out to be death traps. Their turrets are prone to explode, with unfortunate results to the tank crews. One tank regiment was so furious about this war, they ran over their own commander with a tank. Rest assured, he was buried with his legs Image
The largest warship on the Black Sea, our Navy flagship, the mighty missile cruiser Moskva was sunk. And sunk by an enemy who does not operate a navy. The commander of our Navy has been fired. All remaining Russian warships from our naval base at Sevastopol have bravely fled away Image
We once had the second most powerful air force in the world. Half of it is now permanently grounded into Ukrainian soil. We lost so many warplanes in one day at our airbase in Crimea that our total remaining air force fled Crimea & is now proudly contributing to the war by hiding Image
We had a battalion of our own troops irradiated by their own commanders. They were ordered to dig trenches into the ground of the Chernobyl nuclear accident & inhaled radioactive dust. These men have lungs that glow in the dark. Some of them might live to see the end of next year Image
In the first 9 months so far we have lost 75,000 Russian soldiers. That is more than we lost in ten years of our failed war invading Afghanistan, and the two long wars in Chechnya. We've lost more soldiers in half a year than the USA lost in the Vietnam War over ten years Image
We have not just lost warplanes, tanks, ships, and soldiers. We also have lost Generals. So many generals have died, that I have lost count. I believe it is about 15. To help make winning this war even easier, I have myself fired another 7 Generals commanding this war Image
I cleverly decided to not supply the invasion army with enough war materials. I didn't bother with things like food, and ordered our soldiers to go rob the locals. This led to a series of war crimes, which resulted in sanctions. Because of sanctions we cannot build modern weapons Image
The one thing Russia never, ever wanted to happen, was for NATO to expand, especially near our border. And I am proud to report, that thanks to my glorious 3 day war invading & pillaging Ukraine, both Finland and Sweden are now eagerly joining NATO. And Ukraine will join NATO too Image
Our army of 40,000 men defending Kherson is surrounded, out of ammunition & food. Ukraine destroyed the only bridges for escape. So I ordered a retreat out of Kherson but we can't take any of the heavy weapons we sent there, like tanks. So my invasion plan clearly was magnificent Image
One third of the men I sent to invade Ukraine have died. Which is why I have decided that the men I send as reinforcements will not be trained properly

As you can see, my 3 day war into Ukraine has been a tremendous success. The next phase in this war will be even more glorious Image

Russian Czars. Rulers of Russia come from the Romanov line, up to modern times:

Czarina Catherine the Great
Czar Alexander the Noble
Czar Nicholas the Able
Czar Mikhail the Feeble
Czar Sergei the Stable
Czar Vladimir the Table

#CzarVladimirTheTable #VladimirTheTable Image
The Kremlin Book Of Russian Military Proverbs:

"Man with long table has short pencil."

"Man with short table... has short pencil."

"Man with broken bridge... has broken pencil."

#CzarLilliPutin #TableBoy #BridgeBoy #Kherson #LilliPutin Image
Donald Trump: "There's going to be so much winning, you'll get tired of all the winning."

Also Donald Trump: "This is genius. Putin declares a big portion of Ukraine independent. Oh, that's wonderful. How smart is that? He's gonna be a peacekeeper. He's a guy who is very savvy." Image

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More from @tomiahonen

Nov 13
This is a massive win for Democrats. We kept the Senate, in the first midterms after one party took the White House. This cycle should have been devastating against us

Two big keys: Trump got involved, & reaction to Roe vs Wade. But also great politics by DEM

I will do a Thread Image
So understand. We were SUPPOSED TO LOSE

In nearly every cycle in as far as anyone can remember, the party who took the White House, loses in the next midterms (exception was 2002 because of Osama Bin Laden terrorist attack on Sept 11 & wave of patriotism cancelled this pattern) Image
If we had lost the Senate, not only would Joe Biden's agenda be dead for the next 2 years, GOP would have run all sorts of nastiness, forcing Biden to veto nearly everything - weakening Biden for 2024

And worse: the Teenage Mutant Mitch McTurtle would have controlled judges Image
Read 25 tweets
Nov 10
Why is failed Bond Villain wannabe, the Chrischristie in the news? Or Cancun Cruz, America's most hated man talking about personality? Or Never Trumper John Kasich demanding move beyond Trump? Because the race for 2024 has started on GOP side. Even Lord of Flies thinks has chance Image
Trump said he will announce on Tuesday. Now everybody who thinks they have a chance, have to stake their ground

And the newsmedia - driven by right wing media owners - is pushing Death Santis as their new Trump. DeSantis is too smart to run against Trump. He's playing Trump Image
Ted Cruz is the front-runner AFTER Trump is no longer viable. Cancun Cruz is only playing the game of never angering Trump but preparing his day, for when Trump is in prison. He will then promise to pardon Trump too. Cruz is playing long game. But he won't go against Trump Image
Read 4 tweets
Nov 10
How's the election result?

SUPER TIGHT result. Was supposed to be a blow-out. The PATTERN for first midterms after party takes White House is from 40 to 60 bloodbath in Congress. That is the pattern we should have seen. But there was NO RED WAVE

It is razor-thin, can go either Image
In Senate the Georgia race goes into a run-off. Senator Warnock won his first runoff. He got more votes against the Fake Cop Herschel Walker. This is FAVORED to go our way. We won't know until Dec, but if we hold Georgia, we hold Senate. So Trump wiped Mitch McConnell out - again Image
The Nevada vote count is not finished and we have a good shot at Senator Catherine Cortez Masto still winning re-election in the Nevada race. In that case Georgia runoff will not even matter

We cannot call the Senate yet. But we have significantly better chance of holding it Image
Read 7 tweets
Nov 9
My Dearest Vladimir

How's your war going in Ukraine? Why are you retreating out of Kherson? Only losers retreat. You should have built a wall

I'm miserable. The election has been a disaster. These Republicans are all morons

I miss hearing your voice. Couldn't you just call me Image
My Sweetest Trumpy-Pumpkin

Daddy's a bit busy with this war in Ukraine. My incompetent army is just fucking losing & goddamned retreating. That incompetent General Shoigu just ordered a total retreat from Kherson!

He's gonna be taking a look at the view from an open window soon Image
Dearest Chairman Kim Jong-Un

I noticed you fired up some rockets again. Were you selling some missiles to Russia? Did you talk to Vladimir Putin? Did he say anything about me? He isn't returning my calls

How I miss the gentle touch of your hand in mine when we had our walks Image
Read 12 tweets
Nov 9
First take on 2022 Midterms

This SHOULD have been a blow-out to that party which just took the White House 2 years prior. Usually this cycle, either for Dems or for GOP is blowout. From 30 seats to 60 seats pick-up

Thanks to Trump, and Roe vs Wade - it was not a red wave Image
They are still counting and we have 4 Senate races not called. The MOST likely outcome is net zero gain and 50/50 Senate split remains. NEXT most likely outcome is 51/49 for DEMs, a net gain of one

This is OPPOSITE of a red wave. This almost NEVER happens in first midterms.. Image
In the House we currently have 9 pickups for GOP and 3 pickups for DEMs, with several dozen close races not yet called. It means net gain of 6, where 5 is what switches control from DEM to GOP. And the last House seats to be called can very well go back to DEMs keeping the House. Image
Read 4 tweets
Nov 8
Tidbit from exit poll: Abortion. 11% of Republican voters listed abortion as their reason to vote. Because of Roe vs Wade overturned by SCOTUS, it would seem most GOP who rate abortion as important matter, would be voting on this now. My guess most of that is votes AGAINST SCOTUS
so if most of this 11% of GOP vote where top issue was abortion was AGAINST the Roe decision - these angry voters have almost certainly voted against GOP, against men, against their sitting members of Congress who now are anti abortion. Could be a hidden protest vote inside GOP
So where turnout numbers reveal by party split (also a) strong GOP turnout - those could be mostly women voters inside GOP now turning out on abortion to vote against GOP. If say 9 out of 10 such voters (ie out of that 11%) vote blue, we could gain 3% nationally out of this BUT
Read 5 tweets

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