Thread by @tomiahonen

My fellow Russians

My quick & easy 3 day war into Ukraine is running slightly behind schedule. 360 days behind schedule to be precise. We lost the battle of Kyiv, their capital & largest city. As you can see my war started out tremendously well.. for the Ukrainians
#SlavaUkraini

After we lost the battle of Kyiv, we proceeded to lose the battle of Kharkiv too. Kharkiv is their second largest city. After a prolonged battle we lost at Snake Island. Then we lost the battle for Izyum, a town we had seized. As you can tell my war is progressing remarkably well

When our army fled Izyum, they left all our heavy weapons there for the Ukrainians to use against us in this war. This is part of my glorious plan. We did the same in our loss at Snake Island. We abandoned all our valuable military gear there too. We've gifted Ukraine 600 tanks!

We have been eagerly retreating so much since March, that half of the terrain we once held in Ukraine has already been handed back to the Ukrainians. In the words of my pet & sex toy, Donald Trump, I call this unconventional type of military maneouvering: 'winning'
#TrumpPutin

The largest warship on the Black Sea, our Navy flagship, the mighty missile cruiser Moskva was sunk. And sunk by an enemy who does not operate a navy. The commander of our Navy has been fired. All remaining Russian warships from our naval base at Sevastopol have bravely fled away

All of our Russian tanks have turned out to be death traps. Their turrets are prone to explode, with unfortunate results to the tank crews. One tank regiment was so furious about this war, they ran over their own commander with a tank. Rest assured, he was buried with his legs

We once had the second most powerful air force in the world. Half of it is now permanently grounded into Ukrainian soil. We lost so many warplanes in one day at our airbase in Crimea that our total remaining air force fled Crimea & is now proudly contributing to the war by hiding

We had a battalion of our own troops irradiated by their own commanders. They were ordered to dig trenches into the ground of the Chernobyl nuclear accident & inhaled radioactive dust. These men have lungs that glow in the dark. Some of them might live to see the end of this year

In the first 12 months so far we have lost 145,000 Russian soldiers. That is more than we lost in ten years of our failed war invading Afghanistan, and the two long wars in Chechnya. We lost more soldiers in the first 6 months than the USA lost in the Vietnam War over ten years

We have not just lost warplanes, tanks, ships & soldiers. We also have lost Generals. So many generals have died that I have lost count. I believe it is about 16. To help make winning this war even easier, I have myself fired another 8 Generals commanding this war
#CzarLilliPutin

I cleverly decided to not supply the invasion army with enough war materials. I didn't bother with things like food, and ordered our soldiers to go rob the locals. This led to a series of war crimes, which resulted in sanctions. Because of sanctions we cannot build modern weapons

The one thing Russia never, ever wanted to happen, was for NATO to expand, especially near our border. And I am proud to report, that thanks to my glorious 3 day war invading & pillaging Ukraine, both Finland and Sweden are now eagerly joining NATO. And Ukraine will join NATO too

We had an army of 40,000 men defending Kherson. They fought so cleverly, they become totally surrounded, ran out out of ammunition & food. As Invading a city would have been costly for Ukraine, I ordered our army to retreat out of Kherson to give the city back to Ukraine.

75% of the men I sent to invade Ukraine have died. Which is why I decided that the men I send as reinforcements will not be trained properly

As you can see, my 3 day war into Ukraine has been a tremendous success. The next phase in this war will be even more glorious
#LilliPutin

WIKIPEDIA

Russian Czars. Rulers of Russia come from the Romanov line, up to modern times:

Czarina Catherine the Great
Czar Alexander the Noble
Czar Nicholas the Able
Czar Mikhail the Fable
Czar Sergei the Stable
Czar Vladimir the Table

#CzarVladimirTheTable #VladimirTheTable

The Kremlin Book Of Russian Military Proverbs:

"Man with long table has short pencil."

"Man with short table... has short pencil."

"Man with broken bridge... has broken pencil."

#CzarLilliPutin #TableBoy #BridgeBoy #Kherson #LilliPutin

Donald Trump: "There's going to be so much winning, you'll get tired of all the winning."

Also Donald Trump: "This is genius. Putin declares a big portion of Ukraine independent. Oh, that's wonderful. How smart is that? He's gonna be a peacekeeper. He's a guy who is very savvy."