Thread by @diaryofa9jagirl

I’ve received many DMs and responses to question tags regarding how many women are stuck in a relationship where their partners refuse to cut ties with their exes, especially the ones where the situation does not feel right to you.

So, today, I’ll share my experience about this.

I was with someone whom I knew was in constant communication with his ex. He said the relationship was over but he valued the friendship with his ex and wanted to maintain it. I’m an adult, I know that a relationship can be over and irredeemable. Still,

it doesn’t mean there was never love there and that feelings disappear overnight. Bearing this in mind, I didn’t complain immediately.

Another reason for not speaking up earlier was because he is a great guy and part of his top priority was to make me happy as much as he could.

However, in the matter of creating boundaries with his ex, he never understood why I wanted him to cut ties completely. They were friends, why should he cut ties with his friend just because they had a past?

To me, she wasn’t just a friend,

she was someone whose energy permeated the relationship even though she wasn’t physically there. I hated that, I also hated that I allowed it but it was early days in the relationship, I thought I needed to give it time. Some times, I’d get mad at him, sometimes I’d implore,

some times, I let things slide. Still, that part of our relationship bothered me a lot because it created insecurity and that’s a feeling I try so hard not to feel about myself or because of someone else.

I thought, "You weren’t married to this person, you don’t work together,

you don’t have kids together, what exactly is the reason for insisting on staying “friends” when I wasn’t comfortable with it?"

I chose to focus on all his good sides and his efforts and continued to ignore the feeling of “not being enough for him” in the relationship.

That feeling was heavy, so heavy that it made me unhappy even in other aspects of my life.

The day I knew it had to be over between us was when he lied by omission about his interaction with her I knew what I wanted him to do but that day, I couldn't come out straight to say it.

I danced around what I thought he should do, I just stayed there and cried and complained and was just a general nuisance to myself. On my way home, I asked myself what was stopping me from asking this guy to make a final decision about this situation.

I realised that I was scared. Scared that if I asked him to cut ties with her or lose me, he would choose to stay friends with her.

I knew then, that the feeling of “not being enough” had eaten at me so much so, I was afraid to choose peace over chaos.

That realisation woke me up because I had constantly taught myself not to ever make (or not make) a decision based on fear. So I asked him right there to completely cut ties and communication with her and focus on the relationship he has chosen to be in with me or lose me.

It didn’t take him 15 minutes to make a decision. He chose to stay in our relationship and focus. Truth is, from the time he made that decision, the relationship got better. It was as though a heavy weight was lifted off both of us. Things became easier.

Carrying weight from one relationship into another isn’t ideal. IF YOUR PARTNER SAYS SHE IS UNCOMFORTABLE WITH YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR EX OR FEMALE FRIEND, except you like the attention from girls and/or you don’t respect your partner’s feelings,

you’d cut ties or drastically reduce communication. If you have children together with your ex, make your partner comfortable around your baby mama or your ex wife, it only makes sense that she’s gradually eased into the situation.

If you're generally an insecure person, and you're always paranoid, please do not take this post to heart, kindly see a therapist to find the root cause, deal with it, then come into a relationship whole so that you can begin to trust your intuition and your feelings.

If you’re not a generally insecure person and you begin to feel uncomfortable with your partner’s relationship with the opposite sex, speak up immediately and don’t be like me, harbouring unhappiness to make him feel more comfortable in the relationship. You both chose

to be in a relationship with each other, if he insists on ignoring your feelings and going ahead to stay chummy with the ex that gives you the icky feeling, cut ties; because staying friends with that other person is more important than staying in a relationship with you.

#DANG