Just got in a fistfight with my Postmates driver. How’s your night going? Fine. Story Time With Dylan™️ after I eat real quick.

You ever just randomly think about something embarrassing you did years ago, then you just dwell on it for the rest of the day.

I just remembered the time I got so high, I asked Cee-Lo Green to walk me home. Well shit, I guess it’s story time now huh?

Damn the internet just reminded me of something that could’ve been. But I wasn’t willing to compromise my morals for a few bucks. Lol alright mfer. I was going to keep it civil but what we’re not going to do is bring my dead brother into this. Say another fucking word and I’ll drop screen shots. @IWashington

I’m live-tweeting tonight’s episode of @AllRiseOWN. Writing this script was cathartic for me. I’ll explain as we go along. Starting now. Lmao I said I was going to live-tweet and started watching the show and forgot to live-tweet 😂

In 1732—133 years before #Juneteenth—my ancestor Joseph Pettifer killed his slavemaster, John Pettifer, with the help of John’s wife, Anne. They fled but were both caught, tried, and executed. This is a transcript from the Governor of North Carolina’s records: Decades later, 3 of Joseph Pettifer’s grandchildren—William, George, and Phillip—fought during the American Revolution in exchange for their freedom. #Juneteenth

Since 2018, more American children have been murdered in school shootings than American service members have been KIA. #MemorialDay This includes 2020 when kids weren’t even in school.

I dunno how many hours are in 6 years?

https://twitter.com/kocen4congress/status/1530681294086057984

I have more hours training with firearms than you had votes in your little election, big fella. @Kocen4Congress

When I was 19, I bought into all the patriotic bullshit. An AF recruiter showed me a 5-minute video of dudes blowing shit up and jumping outta helicopters, and I was sold. For the next 6 years, I carried and fired every type of firearm known to man. I became proficient in them. And the truth is, I quickly learned to hate them too. I was terrified of the responsibility that comes with them. But I carried them, because it was my job.

This website is incredible. I gotta delete Twitter because this is the pinnacle. It will never get better than this.

Things are so desperate in Ukraine that they’re asking foreigners with military experience to join them. If this was 10 years ago, I wouldn’t have hesitated. When I was discharged from the military, I was lost. I had zero skills other than shooting things. So I went and looked up all the countries that allowed foreigners to fight for them. I narrowed it down to France and Australia.

Lmao I’ve had a dozen people DM me this tweet. And yes, this is the same show I worked on. You couldn’t write this story, that’s how crazy it is.

https://twitter.com/caitiedelaney/status/1443708742797717532

And since it’s been so long I think I can tell it in its entirety. Unedited and unfiltered. I might even tag the person because I’m feeling spicy.

So I’ve been doing some research about the murderous dictator, Francisco Franco, for a project. He often gets overlooked in history books because of other psychopaths like Hitler and Mussolini. That said, the similarities between Francoist Spain and the GOP is eerily similar. /TW Some background: Like America, in the 1930s, Spain’s Republican Party was the party of the left. They were liberals. They reduced the size of the military, they took religion out of schools, land was taken away from the ultra rich conservatives, etc.

Kevin played football with my brother.

https://twitter.com/jimlaporta/status/1432807404199161856

Miss you, my dudes.

I put in an order at Firehouse Subs and dude said, “Yeah, I don’t really feel like making anymore sandwiches tonight. I’m gonna close an hour early. Sorry.”

And you know what, I respect it. My mans was like

Suck my dick.

https://twitter.com/henrygilav/status/1428926098486693888

It took some time and a convo w/ my mom to get here to feel this way…

One of the kids who killed my brother was underage. He’s been in prison for almost a decade already and he’s going to serve a few more. But I know he can turn his life around and do good in this world.

So I don’t really believe in ghosts or anything like that. But maybe I should say “I didn’t believe in ghosts”—didn’t being past tense, because one night all of that changed. And I’mma tell y’all the story as soon as I make myself some coffee.

https://twitter.com/rabiasquared/status/1422761195233325070

Coffee acquired.

Lol you’re still in my mentions? Get a life, you whiny little bitch. And btw, I’ve been doing anti-gun violence PSAs for about a decade now.

https://twitter.com/DaleAndersen6/status/1422250381967515648

Where’s my $500?

Two nights ago I was in the mood for a milkshake. But because I’m a black man who drives an expensive car and I live in a predominantly white neighborhood, the story ends with me getting pulled over by a cop looking for a confrontation.

https://twitter.com/dyllyp/status/1349900789641142272

If you click on the OP, there’s a thread with pictures and everything. I watched this cop spot me the second I pulled out of the parking lot and he followed me for 2 miles. The second I turned into my neighborhood off the main road he lit me.

I get emails like this all the time. Don’t do this.

Do I show up at your job and ask you to do agonizing labor for free? Neither should you. You better come up w/ a good pitch and a number followed by a bunch of zeros and send that shit to my agent so she can tell you no for me. “I’ll give you 2-4% on the backend.”

No tf you won’t.

The white supremacists who have been screaming #BlueLivesMatter when they were killing black people are now killing cops with white supremacist tattoos. They’re starting to eat their own.

https://twitter.com/DavidBegnaud/status/1349933583964639232

A spiderweb tattoo means one of two things: You’ve done hard prison time or you’re a white supremacist. You can’t do time in prison and be a cop, so you do the math.

“Some groups required that you would have to kill a minority before you could wear such a tattoo.”

I’m tired of acting like I don’t deserve an Oreo shake. I was gonna post a tweet about this dude in a lifted truck absolutely losing his shit on the poor Mexican kid in the drive thru, but now this is a tweet about me getting followed home by a cop and pulled over blocks from my house.