freeze frame on man running through bazaar
Jason Statham (VO): yeah. thass me. aladdin runnin frum the fuckin fuzz again
jasmine: who's there
Jason Statham aladdin: names aladdin, sweetheart. thass a big fuckin dog you got
Jasmine: it's a tiger
Jafar: guards! seize him!
Jason Statham VO: that was Jafar. grand vizier, plonker, and weirdo. I knew he was a real bastard, but as I was about to discover, he was also a cunt
ray winstone the genie: the fuck you want
Jason statham: nothin mate
ray winstone genie: you rubbed the fuckin lamp ya twat
Jason statham: i didn't rub the fuckin lamp! Genies are haram!
ray winstone genie: *points with cig* don't. raise. ya fuckin voice. at me
ray winstone genie: now who the fuck is this gentleman here
russell brand: *weird whining voice* they calls me the monkey, bruv. on account of i got a monkey on me back eheheheheh
ray winstone genie: don't fuckin speak to me son
jasmine: i'm going to call the guards
jason statham: don't bother love. i'm just here to rob the place
russell brand: eh, eh. eh. aladdin
jason statham: and if you got any pills, me monkey'll have those
jason statham aladdin: is it really a crime to steal a loaf of bread for ya family? or some pills for ya monkey
jason statham aladdin: make me a prince
ray winstone genie: *sniggers asthmatically* i'm a genie mate not the fuckin most high
Jason statham aladdin: riff raff, street rat?
Piss off
Fuck that
Jason Statham aladdin: if only he'd come closer....
Didn't see that coming, didja prick

• • •

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More from @jon_snow_420

Aug 12, 2019
me: hello christian grey. i have some interview questions for you
mister grey: ah yes
me: shut up. ahem. you are majorly creepy. did you ever kill anyone? i have. i said it was an accident but there was a definite moment when i made a choice
mister grey: excuse me
me: shut up
me: you like to stalk women. do you also enjoy wetting the bed and setting fires
grey: no
me: yes you do. i'm writing down YES. if you could be an animal, what animal would you be
grey: -
me: wrong. you are already an animal, because that's what humans are
grey: this is a terrible interview
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grey: you haven't taken off your sunglasses
me: because i do not respect you
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Jun 27, 2019
don draper: when people think of ypur brand, they think of children. heres how we make that work for us
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pete: but don
don: this child is born in blood and raised to piss
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don: never
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Aug 28, 2018
please crowdfund My Hillary Biopic #MyHillaryBiopic

beginning: we pan over some stock footage of a farm. VO:

my story begins in a humble farm house in the year 1729. i was born hungry. i was born..........hillary
now we see a small girl being lectured by a man in a business suit (please let me know if u have a business suit i can borrow)
man: hillary clinton, you are a child. but i can already tell, you are bad and will never do politics
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me (playing hillary at 16): but papa says politics are for boys. he wants me to focus.........on the eight ninja disciplines
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Jan 4, 2018
a woman approaches the front step where i rock slowly, chewing on a stalk. "i'm from cosmo" she says but i cut her off. "i ain't the dick whisperer no more" i say. "i left that life behind me"
"we need you" she says pluckily. "the october issue is coming and we need to know how to make a willy stand up" i shake my head. "sorry you wasted your trip, kid"
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Read 10 tweets

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