a woman approaches the front step where i rock slowly, chewing on a stalk. "i'm from cosmo" she says but i cut her off. "i ain't the dick whisperer no more" i say. "i left that life behind me"
"we need you" she says pluckily. "the october issue is coming and we need to know how to make a willy stand up" i shake my head. "sorry you wasted your trip, kid"
"my editor said you've forgotten more about things to do to a ding dong than i would ever learn" she says. "but i guess that was all talk" "reckon it was" i say
"i know about the accident" she says. "my editor says it was a blowjob gone wrong." i stop rocking and look at her with haunted eyes. she makes me want to talk
i take a deep breath. "you ever drive your man wild, kid" i ask. she nods, but i shake my head. "no. you haven't. if you had, you wouldn't be here today, asking for my help"
"it was late. he was under a lot of stress at work. so i....... i used all 50 Tips To Drive Him Wild" "no", she protests. "not all 50" "ALL FIFTY" i scream. "all........fifty,......."
"i should have stopped after the ice cube" i say. "he might still be alive today" the girl is crying openly. i shed all my tears long ago
"i threw a dildo over my shoulder and started walking" i say, staring into the setting sun. "when i came here, someone asked me, what is that? so i stopped. and i ain't never goin back"
"i'll leave" she vows. "i'll tell my editor i couldn't find you" i sigh and draw my katana. "nothing personal, kid" i say. "but i can't take that risk. when i settled here i made sure i would never see a penis again" "what's a penist" she says
the end
