Thread by @SoozUK

Having to watch Notting Hill for tonight's gig. Haven't seen it in at least 15 years...guys....I'm 9 minutes in and I think Notting Hill might be.......terrible?

Blah blah blah, how does Hugh Grant afford a flat in Notting Hill and run a travel bookshop at a loss, yes yes, of course, that's ridiculous. But this film sucks AND blows. Gonna live tweet it to see me through.

It begins with a lengthy voiceover which is basically Hugh Grant doing bad standup. Actually, virtually all the dialogue is like bad standup. Hugh is currently telling Julia Roberts all about apricots soaked in honey so they don't taste of apricots so just buy honey lol.

I think we're meant to think she's finding Hugh Grant charming as he jabbers on like a prick....oh yeah, we are, she just kissed him. Rhys Ifans is here now and he is a cartoon character who, again, only communicates in bad standup.

Why would Hugh even agree to live with Ifans?

And why would Hugh Grant and Rhys Ifans sit up watching romantic movies starring Anna Scott who is just Julia Roberts? They are two straight men in their 30s. "Somewhere there's a man allowed to kiss her". Richard Curtis has never met a man.

The "quirky customer in the bookshop" thing is really annoying.

If I'd handed this script in as my final piece on my scriptwriting degree I would have MAYBE got a low 2:1.

Why didn't Julia Roberts TELL him it was a press junket? Just say "oh it's a press junket btw, when it's over we'll hang out".

The Horse & Hound gag is pretty funny tbf.

"Did she take your grandmother's flowers? Bitch!"

That's genuinely funny.

He's taken Julia Roberts on their first date.....to his sister's birthday party. Here's Alice from Vicar of Dibley playing Hugh Grant's sister and she is nothing like any human being who has ever existed.

Hugh could have warned his family "OK I'm bringing a date and it's famous movie star Anna Scott" but instead he didn't so THAT'S FUNNY ISN'T IT.

OHMYGOD I forgot that for a short time Ronan Keating had the biggest song in the world.

Erm hey how about make the whole film about Gina McKee, just a thought. She's brilliant and her character is actually interesting, way to go, Curtis.

Julia Roberts gives Tim McInnerny a kiss on the cheek in front of Gina McKee to say goodbye and he swoons and has to clutch the worktop in the kitchen for support. WHY NOT MAKE HIS EYES POP OUT LIKE A TEX AVERY WOLF!

They're breaking in to a private garden to have a snog. This film would have gone a very different way if Hugh Grant had been impaled on an iron spike trying to get over the fence. "LYNNE!"

Hugh and Julia are on a date now in a restaurant and some city boys are loudly discussing which romcom queen they'd most like to bonezone. THIS IS NOT A THING.

Why is Julia Roberts finding Hugh Grant SO irresistible? She's desp for him to come up to her hotel room.

Oh look, there's Alec Baldwin. Playing her boyfriend. MAYBE BREAK UP WITH HIM, IDIOT.

Right, so Hugh Grant is leaving the Ritz now all wooby coz Julia Roberts has a boyfriend and it's Alec Baldwin. The song playing is Al Green's How Do You Mend A Broken Heart and I'm like "kin ell, Hugh, you went on 2 dates, your heart is not breaking".

He's gone to the cinema to see one of her films and sit sadly (not wearing his glasses btw). Give this the soundtrack of dissonant strings and we're watching a psychological chiller about a stalker.

To get Hugh over Julia Roberts his family have set him up with several AWFUL WOMEN hahahhaah how awful, one has frizzy hair, one's an OTT vegan OH ONE IS EMILY MORTIMER. But tough shit, bitch, you're not Julia Roberts.

If this film had any backbone Hugh would end up with Emily Mortimer.

I know it's 20 years old but 1999 isn't 1950, actresses don't reluctantly just do topless photo shoots to earn money when acting isn't working out. She'd get a temp job.

Julia Roberts is crying coz topless photos of her have ended up in the papers and it's played to be sad and horrible. Literally the next cut is Rhys Ifans looking at the pics in the paper and going "CORRRRR" and then walking in on Julia in the bath and she goes "lol hi".

The scene where Hugh's running lines with Julia is cute. It's almost as if Curtis has worked with actors.

Wait, so, inappropriate socially inept Rhys Ifans just....kept out of the way all day after finding Julia Roberts in the bath? Yeah suuuuuure he did.

They've bonezoned for the first time and the next morning she goes "brb" and comes back with breakfast in bed but she must have been gone a good 20 minutes making that (out of WHAT btw, the kitchen's a shithole) and I bet Hugh Grant just thought she was having a massive shit.

Hugh opens the front door to a gajillion paparazzi OH NO and then slams the door shut and doesn't immediately go "there are a gajillion paparazzi out there, don't open the door". This film is just bad standup and people not giving other people information.

"I wouldn't go outside, Spike"
"Why not?"
"Just take my word for it"

JUST TELL HIM WHY. Spike loves being papped, how funny. Judd Apatow would scrap that scene as being "too silly".

The paps got pics of Hugh Grant. Somewhere there's an alternative movie where Alec Baldwin is like "ohmygod, Julia Roberts left me for a hotel busboy!".

Yeah OK the Ain't No Sunshine sequence is fucking brilliant. It belongs in...a better movie.

They're having a dinner party where a guy who put all his money in to a restaurant has lost everything and Hugh Bonneville has just been made redundant and they're all going "hehe oh well". THIS IS BAD, GUYS. YOU ARE GOING TO END UP HOMELESS.

Alice from Vicar of Dibley announces she is getting married then whispers to Rhys Ifans "bee tee dubs it's you ok?" and he's in to it. This film is so weird!

Tim McInnerney just informed Hugh Grant that Julia Roberts is back in London filming in Hamstead Heath and is "grasping her Oscar". Hugh Grant is SHOOK! Does this guy never watch TV or open a newspaper?

I remember thinking the scene where Hugh shows up unannounced on her film set and then overhears her saying "totes embar that he showed up ugh" was really sad. Now I think she is BANG ON. What the HELL is he doing just rocking up like that? You had sex ONCE!

God, Richard Curtis really has a thing about women with big bums doesn't he? There's always someone in one of his films going "HAHA BIG ARSE!".

She's shown up at the bookshop unannounced now...this...this fucking movie! It's 1999! Phones, the postal service and friggin EMAILS all existed! I had an email address in 1999! It was [e-mail] because I loved Frasier and thought Daphne and Niles belonged together.

It's so endearing how Hugh Grant won't call his mother back who is clearly very ill.

We're 15 minutes from the end of this 2 hour movie and suddenly they've thrown in that Hugh Grant is terrified of getting his heart broken which makes him closed off to love. THIS IS NEW, HE WASN'T LIKE THIS LITERALLY ONE SCENE AGO.

"I live in Notting Hill, you live in Beverley Hills"

Guarantee houses are more expensive per square foot in Notting Hill, Hugh.

So....he turns down Julia Roberts and then calls all his friends and family (OH YOU CAN USE A PHONE NOW CAN YOU!?) to discuss whether or not he should have turned down Julia Roberts. What universe is this movie even in!?

Uh oh it's a race to the press conference for....something....to tell Julia Roberts that actually "let's date!". Also, why the hell are you going by car you idiots? Take the fucking tube.

Tim McInnerney is driving that Peugeot 406 estate so dangerously. There is an alternative version of this movie that ends in a road accident and 25 deaths.

There! Public transport you dickheads, save yourselves 3 minutes and a lot of stress. #NottingHill

Now Rhys Ifans is leaping out in to traffic to let the Peugeot 406 estate through. People are literally willing to die for Hugh Grant to make it to a press conference when he could easily call Julia Roberts on the PHONE at ANY POINT.

"She will not be making any more films for the next year"

What, coz Hugh Grant said he didn't want to go out with her? Fucking hell, movie.

Hugh Grant has to pose as a journalist for Horse & Hound again (lol) to ask her if she'll go out with him after all. Could have just waited til the end of the press conference and said "hi, I changed my mind".

"Would you maybe...reconsider?"
"Yes I believe I would"

And we're all meant to be shocked even though it's about 45 minutes since she was last in the bookshop.

Rhys Ifans and Alice from Vicar of Dibley kiss. Tim McInnerney and Gina McKee kiss. Awwwww. Hugh Bonneville shakes hands with pretty female journalist. Hehe! OH SHIT HE'S FORCIBLY KISSING HER NOW! BONNEVILLE NO! #METOO! #METOO!

It's their wedding and Julia Roberts is wearing one of those silver blankets they get given at the end of marathons.

The final shot is Julia Roberts preggo on a bench in what I think is that private garden from earlier....did they break in again? Guys, that's super dangerous. And credits...and it's Shania Twain singing You've Got a Way and JESUS I made it to the end of this damn movie.

Watch Notting Hill recreated by comedians tonight at 8pm at @Aces_Bar, Tufnell Park. Only a fiver! I'm playing Julia Roberts. Also featuring: @EleanorMorton @MattHighton and @PaulDuncanMcG. Expect nudity.

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