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Sooz "-1 Days Til Xmas" Kempner

24 Dec, 10 tweets, 2 min read

Top 10 Holiday Specials:

10. X Factor Final 2009: An opera quartet (actually musical theatre, all met at drama school) vs a builder with a semi-reliable top Bb (who has worked consistently as a singer)! Builder won with a haunting acoustic cover of Welcome to the Jungle.

9. Top Gear Xmas Special 2012: Jeremy puts a Santa hat on a Muslim man in the studio audience before giving a look to camera that makes sick speed through my thorax and gush forth on to the couch and everything I'm wearing.

8. The Wire Halloween Spooktacular 2007: Some people were disappointed with this episode that saw McNulty hiding in corners and jumping out to scare hapless fellow cops but in a show that was known for its gritty realism I felt it was nice to have some frivolity.

7. French & Saunders' The Passion of the OH JESUS CHRIST: A shot-for-shot remake of The Passion of the Christ from my favourite duo? It never fails to get me feeling festive.

6. Eastenders Christmas Day 1995: Phil puts a turkey on Grant's head and Grant pretends to be Phil and boffs Sharon who knew it was Grant all along haha!

5. Friends Xmas episode 1999: Joey accidentally serves up the Millennium Bug instead of roast potatoes and Chandler goes "could this BE anymore insane?" and Ross says "its OK, we can eat my son Ben instead" and that's the last time we saw Ben.

4. The News Xmas Edition 2008: It had it all...Beijing Olympics highlights, clips of the moment recession took hold and of course Alexandra Burke and Beyonce's X Factor duet. What a round-up!

3. Breaking Bad Christmas Special 2010: Uh-oh, Walt mixes up his latest batch of meth with Skylar's gravy and Gus Fring is NOT happy! Walt Jr puts blue gravy all over his dinner and literally goes berserk!

2. Star Wars Holiday Special

1. Nescafe Gold Blend Xmas advert 1987: In this edition of the famous serialised romance that also advertised coffee Sharon Maughan gives Anthony Head a handy-j in exchange for some Gold Blend that she is stockpiling in case of nuclear war.

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More from @SoozUK

Sooz "-1 Days Til Xmas" Kempner

@SoozUK

22 Dec

THREAD: This thread is for people who will be at their family home for Christmas and therefore watching #EastEnders for the only time in 2021. Allow me to get you all caught up on the goings-on in Albert Square in its most explosive week of the year!

We’ll start with Chelsea and Denise’s wedding storylines! Denise is the wayward Chelsea’s mother and they’re both marrying their fellas on the same day: Christmas Day! That’s nice isn’t it.

Denise is marrying her longterm boyfriend Jack who is nice.

Read 32 tweets

Sooz "-1 Days Til Xmas" Kempner

@SoozUK

24 Nov

@StandardIssueUK

THREAD: Today marks 30 years since we lost #FreddieMercury. Here (in thread-form) is a piece I wrote on him for @StandardIssueUK in 2016.

I don’t know when I became a Queen fan but in 1989 I sang Killer Queen for anybody who would listen (I was 4 so literally everybody listened). A song about a high-class escort wouldn’t be anybody’s first choice for a kid to sing but I really knocked that shit out of the park.

Various big moments throughout my life have been scored by Freddie. At our school’s leavers concert I sat at the piano and played Friends Will Be Friends, not feeling remotely self-conscious about the fact that Freddie was a cracking pianist and Sooz Kempner…not so much.

Read 20 tweets

Sooz "-1 Days Til Xmas" Kempner

@SoozUK

21 Nov

Oh my goodness we're just a couple of weeks away from the start of my favourite bit of Christmas: reading articles about winter wonderlands that are fucking shit.

"It's been hard enough for kids this year and they were really looking forward to this but it turned out to just be a burger van in a car park and bloke in a Santa costume off of Amazon. Kids are still crying I am disgusted"

"Santa's elves were just women who didn't speak English in elf costumes from Ann Summers. The Santa had dirty white trainers on and stank of cigarettes. It was £45 for the whole family and when I asked for a refund the Santa just laughed but not in a 'ho ho ho' way. Disgusted"

Read 7 tweets

Sooz "-1 Days Til Xmas" Kempner

@SoozUK

3 Oct

THREAD: The Tory cabinet as cars commercially available in Britain in the 1990s.

SAJID JAVID, Minister for Health: Rover 100. A brand you can trust! A modern Mini! One of us! A safe pair of hands? Deeply uncool, woefully unreliable and horribly uncomfortable even in top spec.

NADINE DORRIES, Minister for Digital, Culture, Media and Sport: Vauxhall Frontera. Absolutely no business working in this field but ploughs on regardless, grinding to a withered halt every few miles due to an engine that just can’t hack it. Dangerous bullbars cause deaths.

JACOB REES-MOGG, Speaker of the House: Bristol Blenheim. Expensive, British-made, heavy, pointless, unreliable with evil lurking beneath the bonnet…there are a hundred better options than this and yet he refuses to disappear.

Read 16 tweets

Sooz "-1 Days Til Xmas" Kempner

@SoozUK

3 Oct

Nothing annoys me more than when serial killers think they're hilarious. They should be sentenced to a lifetime of nobody laughing at their shit banter.

I think the bad comedy of serial killers is among their worst crimes.

Been reading about the Amazon Reviews Killer and watching videos of his interrogation and jeeeeeeeeesus, you've met him down the open mic trying out his material on everyone before the audience arrive, mic-thief circuit-clogging nightmare.

Also, he killed people.

Read 4 tweets