Oh my goodness we're just a couple of weeks away from the start of my favourite bit of Christmas: reading articles about winter wonderlands that are fucking shit.
"It's been hard enough for kids this year and they were really looking forward to this but it turned out to just be a burger van in a car park and bloke in a Santa costume off of Amazon. Kids are still crying I am disgusted"
"Santa's elves were just women who didn't speak English in elf costumes from Ann Summers. The Santa had dirty white trainers on and stank of cigarettes. It was £45 for the whole family and when I asked for a refund the Santa just laughed but not in a 'ho ho ho' way. Disgusted"
"We'd been told to expect reindeer in the local paper but I reckon it was just someone's dog. The kids got bitten by the dog. We paid £60 for the whole family but the burgers from the van were £12 each. Disgusted"
COVID robbed me of this joy last year so I'm gonna take double helpings for 2021!
A classic from 2014!
A disappointing winter wonderland from 2017.
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THREAD: Today marks 30 years since we lost #FreddieMercury. Here (in thread-form) is a piece I wrote on him for @StandardIssueUK in 2016.
I don’t know when I became a Queen fan but in 1989 I sang Killer Queen for anybody who would listen (I was 4 so literally everybody listened). A song about a high-class escort wouldn’t be anybody’s first choice for a kid to sing but I really knocked that shit out of the park.
Various big moments throughout my life have been scored by Freddie. At our school’s leavers concert I sat at the piano and played Friends Will Be Friends, not feeling remotely self-conscious about the fact that Freddie was a cracking pianist and Sooz Kempner…not so much.
THREAD: The Tory cabinet as cars commercially available in Britain in the 1990s.
SAJID JAVID, Minister for Health: Rover 100. A brand you can trust! A modern Mini! One of us! A safe pair of hands? Deeply uncool, woefully unreliable and horribly uncomfortable even in top spec.
NADINE DORRIES, Minister for Digital, Culture, Media and Sport: Vauxhall Frontera. Absolutely no business working in this field but ploughs on regardless, grinding to a withered halt every few miles due to an engine that just can’t hack it. Dangerous bullbars cause deaths.
JACOB REES-MOGG, Speaker of the House: Bristol Blenheim. Expensive, British-made, heavy, pointless, unreliable with evil lurking beneath the bonnet…there are a hundred better options than this and yet he refuses to disappear.
Nothing annoys me more than when serial killers think they're hilarious. They should be sentenced to a lifetime of nobody laughing at their shit banter.
I think the bad comedy of serial killers is among their worst crimes.
Been reading about the Amazon Reviews Killer and watching videos of his interrogation and jeeeeeeeeesus, you've met him down the open mic trying out his material on everyone before the audience arrive, mic-thief circuit-clogging nightmare.
It's deeply insulting to Sarah's memory, her family and to women everywhere to now have "in future, ladies, here's what you can do that Sarah failed to do to" spouted at us when taking some form of action against the man nicknamed "the rapist" by colleagues was always an option.
"Waving down a bus" when you're not even at a bus stop is a complete impossibility anyway, they don't stop, you'd be lucky to get a second glance from the driver. And I dunno if you've heard but busses aren't just constantly driving down every single road 24/7.
Last week I tweeted about getting driven home at night from my local station which is two miles away and had numerous men in my replies clucking and tutting that I'd been so lazy and not walked such a short distance. 2 miles. Alone. At night. Fuck you.
THREAD: How every model of the VW Passat series feels about how Brexit is going.
ORIGINAL 1973 PASSAT: Tells everyone "I can remember the early days of the single market" without elaborating. Currently out of fuel.
1981 PASSAT ESTATE: Has had the picture of Thatcher in that EU jumper as their Facebook profile pic since mid-June 2016.
Currently out of fuel.
1988 PASSAT: Certain that Brexit is great apart from at 3am where they have to share a bunch of pro-Brexit Facebook memes in order to get to sleep. Blames the fuel crisis on media hysteria, lazy lorry drivers and that one man with the jerry cans.