Thread by @SoozUK

THREAD: This thread is for people who will be at their family home for Christmas and therefore watching #EastEnders for the only time in 2021. Allow me to get you all caught up on the goings-on in Albert Square in its most explosive week of the year!

We’ll start with Chelsea and Denise’s wedding storylines! Denise is the wayward Chelsea’s mother and they’re both marrying their fellas on the same day: Christmas Day! That’s nice isn’t it.

Denise is marrying her longterm boyfriend Jack who is nice.

Chelsea is marrying Gray who is a handsome lawyer with a nice house and a great head of hair! Their romance is quite a whirlwind, she accidentally got pregnant when they had a short fling and now they're going for it FULL ON!

But UH OH Gray abused then murdered his wife Chantelle last year, then killed two more people: Tina and Kush! He's a legit serial killer.

Dead Tina is Mick’s (Danny Dyer) sister and Gray has been pretending she’s still alive, saying he saw her on the bus, sending texts from her phone while standing in the woods etc.

Kush was Whitney's fiancee and Gray wanted to get off with her so he pushed Kush under a tube.

This is Gray's ex boss Laura who fired him for being a massive nightmare and she's called him out on how he abuses black women. It's worse than that, love! Anyway, whenever she appears you know you're in for a great scene, she is PURE DRAMA!

This is Kim, Denise's sister/Chelsea's aunt and she is THE BEST THING EVER, she is the funniest performance on British TV currently and she also breaks your heart. She films influencer (Kimfluencer) live vids all the time and I reckon she's gonna spot something DODGE in one!

Whitney has a BAD FEELING about Gray and is SO CLOSE to exposing Gray for what he is, she just needs to find out what the eff he did. Something tells me these two weddings won’t go off without a *puts on sunglasses* hitch.

Gray’s dead wife Chantelle was close to running away with Kheerat and she didn’t tell him exactly what was what but he suspected shit was going down with Gray. Whitney and Kheerat are teaming up…

(he's my Enders current pin-up btw)

NOW! On to what’s going on with Sharon, Phil and Kat. Sharon and Phil were a thing off and on for YEARS and then in Feb 2020 Sharon’s teen son Denny who Phil loved like his own son (probably MORE than his own son tbh) died and the grief caused Sharon and Phil to break up.

Denny was a right prick btw, literally nobody else misses him. Proper little jerk.

Phil has been with Kat for a while now!!!! He’s punching for sure but then he always is…and his happiness with Kat hasn’t stopped him going Lindor-red with rage about stuff. You see, Denny HAD A KID!

Yeah, Dead Denny had been having it off with some other teen and she had a baby and Sharon is trying to get full custody of that baby and Phil likes this and he and Sharon are really getting on well and Kat is PEEVED.

Phil is so desirable.

I especially love it when he dresses all in black like a West End MD.

OH! It’s all kicking off with Janine. She’s back in the Square causing havoc, that’s ar Janine!

Janine’s been thrown out of her house for trying to frame Jay for selling stolen motors (he wasn’t) and she’s lost custody of her daughter so she’s pretending to Danny Dyer that she’s REALLY nice and she’s living at the Vic and she FANCIES him.

Her and Danny Dyer have been flirting it up and I don’t WANT him to cheat on Linda (SHE'S THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE FFS) with Janine but I guess it would also be kind of hot? Anyway, I think Janine is gonna get her arse handed to her over Christmas and we love to see it.

Nancy is Danny Dyer’s daughter and she’s on to Janine and Nancy has feelings for Zak but he fucked her over (accidentally did a hit and run on her with her other sister, the one who just won Strictly) and didn’t tell her for ages. Anyway, they belong together.

Over at Rainie and Stuart’s it turns out Stuart has male breast cancer and isn’t telling anyone except for Sonia who is FUCKING SHIT at keeping secrets. I kind of hope Stuart dies tbh, he’s never faced consequences for being a piece of shit. I said what I said.

“What did Stuart do?” Oh where do I start! He was initially super homophobic, then his brother was gay so he wasn’t massively anti-gay anymore but he’s violent, volatile and like Brexit with legs. Kill him off, Enders! (The actor is AMAZING btw)

Bobby is Ian Beale’s youngest son and WHAT A JOURNEY HE’S BEEN ON! In 2014 he murdered his sister Lucy but is all rehabilitated n forgiven n that…in prison he converted to Islam and now he has a nice girlfriend, Dana. Great stuff, yeah!

BUT OH NO Bobby's girlfriend’s brother Aaron is a literal Nazi and he does NOT like Bobby being a Muslim ONE BIT and he is part of a racist beat-people-up gang and I reckon he’ll be kicking off about something over Christmas.

Btw, you’re gonna go “is that Brian Conley!?” at some point over Christmas and the answer is: yes, it is and his character is called Rocky. He’s posing as Sonia’s dad to fleece her out of a bunch of money with Dot’s granddaughter Dotty (Nasty Nick’s daughter).

But Rocky is uber-conflicted coz he’s actually quite nice, has fallen in love with Kathy Beale and is starting to feel mega-fatherly towards Sonia.

No, she doesn’t still play her trumpet. That's why he's able to love her.

Dotty’s mother is a drug addict and Dotty wants the money to put her through posh rehab or something. So she’s not just doing it to be a prick. Although she is still pretty devious.

OO if you’re thinking the main crimelord in Albert Square is OBVS Phil Mitchell you’re out of your mind. The big crimelord these days is Suki Panesar and if you dare cross her you’re TOTALLY FUCKED. She is one of the best characters they've EVER had and you're in for a treat.

Seriously, my Twitter is always in danger of just becoming a Suki Panesar stan account.

Stacey and Martin, oh boy, what ARE we gonna do with these two? They're madly in love, they're not together because of SILLY REASONS and...Stacey married her prison mate to help her out. Prison Mate is a joy. You will love Prison Mate.

Right, I think that gets you up to date. EastEnders is gonna go BERSERK over the next few days and you are SO lucky to be able to witness it all! I will live tweet the Christmas Day episode of course.

PS Expect at least one crane shot.

If you've enjoyed this catch-up thread or at least found it helpful and fancy helping out a comedian who has lost a lot of work this month why not throw a few £££ my way. Thanks! ko-fi.com/soozuk

Btw in 2019 this received over 5k RTs and is my biggest achievement.