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I lived next door to a couple called Lucy and Tim. They were both lovely but very different to one another. He was a gregarious GET IN HERE AND DRINK CHAMPAGNE WITH ME type, she was far more reserved.
Two years ago, completely out of the blue, Tim died. I wend round with some flowers and a card and said look I don’t want to intrude, I just want you to know that we’re here if you need us. I gave her my number. She didn’t use it.
Not for the first 18 months anyway. Last Christmas we had a million people round for dinner and it was early evening and everyone was a bit drunk. The phone rang - Lucy. She said Matt I’ve tried to kill myself. FUCK.
I said ok I’m coming over, can you let me in? She said no I’ve taken pills I can’t move but the kitchen door is open. I got someone to call an ambulance and went outside to climb over the fence. In my shorts and t-shirt. On Christmas night.
It was freezing and starting to rain but anyway. I climbed over the fence, slipped, got covered in mud, grazed my legs BUT ANYWAY. I went to the kitchen door and let myself in. She was sitting in an armchair with a vacant expression and said Matt am I going to die?
I said I have no idea tbh what exactly have you done? Pills she said. PILLS AND GIN. I said ok how many pills? Honest to god she said four. I went FOUR IS THAT ALL?! (I mean my clothes were a mess!!) How many gins? She said two large ones. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
She said I’m not going to die, am I? I said YOU PROBABLY WON’T EVEN HAVE A HANGOVER YOU CLOWN. There was a knock at the door - the paramedic. He asks how many pills she’s had. She looks at me, arches a brow and says twelve pills. A LIE.
The paramedic asks how many gins and again Lucy looks at me first, arches a brow and LIES THROUGH HER TEETH. Twelve gins, she says. Christ.
The paramedic caught on and Lucy confessed. It was agreed she would probably survive four ibuprofen and a couple of gins and the paramedic said she could come with me. I took her to my house and introduced her to everyone.
Everyone including John, our homeless friend from Part Two, remember? They got along famously and to cut a long story short THEY JUST GOT ENGAGED. Next year they’ll get married in the exact same village in which this story began. AWWWWWWWW.

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