Thread by @DanRebellato

INT. EXPENSIVE HOTEL ROOM. THREE MONTHS AGO. CURTAINS DRAWN. BORIS JOHNSON IS KNEELING IN FRONT OF THE MINIBAR. ARRON BANKS AND LYNTON CROSBY WAIT FOR HIM TO POUR A DRINK. BANKS IS SMOKING. HE DOESN’T HAVE A CIGARETTE: HE’S JUST SMOKING

ARRON BANKS: You ready?
1/

BORIS JOHNSON: Ah Yes. Absolutely. Soon will be. Can’t rush these things.

POURS CAN OF BEER INTO GLASS.

Delicious tankard of foaming ale! Best of British and so forth.

BANKS AND CROSBY LOOK IMPASSIVE.
2/

FINISHES POURING.

There! Light frothy head but body full of substance. Remind you of someone?

SILENCE.

Tough crowd! Well gentlemen, I’m at your, that is to say, disposal!

HE SIPS THE ALE.

Christ, that is revolting. How do they drink this stuff?
3/

BANKS: (Heavily) Do take your time.

BJ: Gentlemen, you have my full attention.

LYNTON CROSBY: Let’s get down to brass tacks. You want to be Prime Minister.

BJ: Well golly, you fellows don’t mince your words...
4/

BJ [cont.] I wouldn’t be so brazen myself but I won’t deny there is a scintilla of truth in what you say.

LC: And we can get you there.

BJ: Right, cripes. Well. I’m all ears.

LC: But you have to do what we say.

5/

BJ: Gosh well, you know me. The old slugger. The old workhorse. I’m ready to fight the good fight. I know you’ll want me in and out of the studios. I fancy myself as pretty good on the stump, dishing it out, cracking off a few bon mots -

6/

BJ [cont.]Though I think we must put me on the ground, flash the old charisma about, use the BoJo star power. I’m a genial sort of cove and I know you’ll have your own ideas but let’s not hide Boris’s light under a bushel -

AB: Shut up. Shut up. Why are you talking?

7/

BJ: Ah - what?

AB: You’re STILL talking.

BJ: Sorry. Gift of the gab. Hard to turn it off.

LC: This is your problem, Boris. You have a tendency to let your mouth run away with you.

BJ: You mean I can let my natural loquacity -

AB: He’s saying you’re an idiot.

8/

BJ: Excuse me.

AB: You’re not going on the fucking stump, you idiot. You’re not going on the TV or the radio. If I see you in a studio I’ll kick your ass.

BJ: We’ll hold on -

AB: You don’t open your mouth without permission. You don’t yawn without my say-so.

BJ: But -

9/

AB: Shut up. You need my signature before you belch.

LC: In your terms, you don’t brush your teeth without a chit from Matron.

BJ: Gotcha.

LC: We recommend you sit back. Let the others tear themselves apart.

10/

BJ: I see and then I come in for one big prime-time in-depth interview...

AB: You fucking kidding me?

LC: Please, Arron.

AB: He’s a fucking asshole.

BJ: Now steady on.

LC: We’re saying if you want to win, you say nothing, you do nothing.

BJ: Nothing?

11/

LC: Nothing.

BJ: But I’m fizzing with policy ideas -

LC: Nothing.

BJ: But I think of enough witticisms each day to fill The World at One -

LC: Nothing.

BJ: I’m sure you chaps know what you’re doing but my public loves me.

12/

AB: They hate you. You’re toxic. You’re stupid. You’re incompetent. You’re a liar. You’re lazy. You’re shallow. You’re a phoney. You’re pompous. You’re nasty. Everyone knows it and every time you open your fat mouth you remind them of these things.

13/

AB [cont.] You have a ton of public recognition.

BJ: Modesty forbids...

AB: Which is your problem. Boris is light relief on the talk shows but nobody wants as Prime Minister a fat Rees-Mogg with no dignity.

BJ: Fair point, well made.

14/

LC: You are lies on a bus, you are Garden Bridge, you are posh infidelity, you are two pointless water cannon, you are lies about bananas, you are the man who was outwitted by Michael fucking Gove.

15/

AB: So keep it zipped. We don’t want to hear shit from you in the campaign. And we’ll make you PM.

PAUSE

BJ: You make a rough case, gentlemen, but a strong one. I believe we have a deal.

THEY SHAKE HANDS

16/END