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DM: ‘You come to large wooden door.’

Cat: ‘I knock at the door.’

DM: ‘An orc opens it and asks you to come in.’

Cat: ‘I do nothing.’

DM ‘He asks you to come inside again.’

Cat: ‘I do nothing.’

DM: ‘Eventually the orc tires and closes the door.’

Cat: ‘I knock at the door.’
Dog: ‘I want to scoot ahead.’

DM: ‘You mean ‘scout’’

Dog: ‘No, scoot - something is irritating my anus - maybe I shouldn’t have licked that orc poop.’


‘Roll for dexterity.’
DM: ‘You come to a narrow passage.’

Dog: ‘I walk through with my spear held out across me.’


DM: ‘Make a Perception roll.’

Dog: (fails)

DM: ‘You can’t get through.’

Dog: ‘Can I try again?’

DM: ‘Sure’.

Dog: (fails) 3rd time lucky?

DM: ‘What’s your intelligence?’
DM ‘You open the chest and find treasure inside.’

Cat: ‘I empty the chest of everything.’

DM: ‘You take out all the treasure.’

Cat: ‘I get in.’

DM: ‘What?’

Cat: ‘I get in the chest and close the lid.’

DM:. ‘Okaaay’.

Cat: ‘-and wait for a sneak attack.’

DM: (sighs)...
DM: ‘The skeleton warrior shatters into pieces and falls at your feet.’

Dog: ‘Search the remains.’

DM: ‘Roll for perception.’
DM: ‘You only find bones.’

Dog: ‘We’ve hit the jackpot, boys.’

DM: ‘What about the rest of the quest?’

Dog: ‘Screw it - got what I came for.’
DM: ‘With a final roar, the Red Dragon goes down - slain by your good luck and steeled determination. What do you do now?’

Cat: ‘I grab it by the neck and take it back to camp.’

DM: ‘What?’

Cat: ‘I grab it-‘

DM: It weighs over 10 tonnes!

Cat: (Rolls against Strength anyway).
DM: ‘There’s a dragon swarm up ahead’.

Dog: ‘I cast ‘Summon Animal Companion’.’

DM: ‘Alright, what animal?’

Dog: ‘A cat.’


DM: ‘Okay, a small tabby suddenly appears and awaits your orders.’

Dog: ‘I get out my provisions while watching the cat charge into battle.’
DM: ‘You see a goblin war party sat around a campfire eating supper.’

Dog: ‘I go into camp and stare at whatever they are eating.’

DM:... (rolls for reaction)

DM: ‘Surprisingly, they just stare back at you.’

Dog: ‘I beg.’

DM:... (Rolls against Charisma)

DM: SonOva-
DM: ‘The fairy princess thanks you and your party of heroes for rescuing her kin from the evil ice Trolls - they have been saved from slavery, torture and a cold grave. What you have done will echo for eternity in songs. She will grant you three wishes...’

Cat: ‘Eat the fairy.’
DM: ‘You come to a dead-end, there’s nothing here but a small hole.’

Cat: ‘I go in the hole’.

DM: ‘You can’t, you’re too big.’

Cat: ‘I go in the hole.’

DM: ‘You’re wearing platemail!’

Cat: ‘I go in the hole.’

DM: ...

‘Make a wisdom check.’


DM: ‘You’re stuck.’
DM: ‘From your hiding spot you see an Orc - he hasn’t noticed you yet’.

Dog: ‘I sneak up from behind and sniff his butt’.


‘Make an intelligence roll’.
DM: ‘You are in a tavern and need a well-earned drink - but the landlord, a gruff Dwarf, seems less than pleased to see you.’

Cat: ‘I’ll be friendly towards him.’

DM: ‘Make a Charisma check.’


DM: ‘Success! The Dwarf warms to you.’

Cat: ‘I scratch his eyes out.’
DM ‘The Gnome throws the dart and-‘

Dog: ‘I run after the dart and bring it back!’

DM: ‘You can’t, it’s hit an Orc!’

Dog: ‘I jump up at the Orc, excitedly!’

DM: ...

‘Roll for intelligence’. (fails)

DM: ‘The Orc removes the dart and throws it towards a chasm, you follow...’
DM: ‘You have entered the Blackheart Forest, you will need to pass quietly as not to alert foes to your presence.’

Dog: ‘I search the trees’.

DM: ‘What are you looking for?’

Dog: ‘Squirrels’.


‘Make a perception roll’.


(Stolen from Facebook - but too good to ignore, so can’t take the credit for it).

DM: ‘The wizard places a chalice on the table, filled with a strange smoking liquid. He cautions that this potion is incredibly dang—‘

Cat: ‘I knock it over.’
DM: ‘You party comes under attack from Goblin raiders - your Fighter is trying to hold back the ambush long enough for the rest of the party to escape. What are you going to do?’

Cat: ‘I sit on his head’.
Dog: ‘I want to cast Animal Friendship.’

DM: ‘On what?’

Dog: ‘The cat in my party.’

DM: ‘Cat, roll for your saving throw’.


DM: ‘It doesn’t work’.

Cat: ‘I’m going to kill you in your sleep tonight.’

Dog: ....
Cat: ‘Casting a spell.’

DM: ‘What are you casting?’

Cat: ‘Catnap - 3rd level.’

DM: ‘Who you casting it on?’

Cat: ‘Myself.’

DM: ‘Wha- make your saving throw then.’


Cat: ZZZZzzzz...

DM: ‘FFS...’
DM: ‘It’s late-‘

Cat: ‘I start singing loudly about our adventures.’

DM: ‘You’re not a Bard.’

Cat: ‘I keep singing.’

DM: ‘You’re NOT a Bard!’

Cat: ‘Still singing!’

DM: ‘Make a Dex Roll’.


DM: ‘A steel boot flies through the air and knocks you out.’

Cat: (sulks)
Cat: ‘I want to cast Bigby’s Giant Foot’.

DM: ‘There’s no such spel-‘.

Cat: ‘I cast Bigby’s Giant Foot.’

DM: ‘You can’t! That spell doesn’t exist! Why do you want a giant foot?’

Cat: ‘Give me a giant foot!’

DM:... (rolls dice)

DM: A giant foot appears.

DM: ‘Your ranger is wounded and near death-‘

Cat: ‘I cast ‘Cure Serious Wounds’ on her.’

(Rolls dice)

DM: ‘Your quick thinking restores the ranger back to full health - she’s extremely grate-‘

Cat: ‘I quickly backstab the ranger.’

(Rolls dice)

Cat: ‘Natural 20.’

DM ...
As this thread is doing well, give me a follow, or read one of my comics - failing that, be excellent to the planet and one another.
DM: ‘Before you is a 50ft wide chasm-‘

Cat: ‘I jump the chasm.’

DM: ‘It’s too wide-‘

Cat: ‘I jump the chasm’.

DM: ‘Roll for Dex’.
DM: ‘You don’t make it, I said it was too wide. You’re falling to your dea-‘

Cat: ‘I land on my feet.’

DM: ...

DM: ‘Roll for Dex...’
Cat: ‘I cast ‘Animate Dead’ on the dog.’

DM: ‘The dog returns, albeit undead.’

Cat: ‘I kill the dog!’

DM: ‘Wha- alright, the dog ‘dies’ again.’

Cat: ‘I cast ‘Animate Dead’ on the dog.’

DM: ‘What are you doing?’

Cat: ‘I kill the dog!’

DM: ‘Stop it.’

Cat: ‘I cast-‘

DM: ‘You spot a Beholder in the chamber ahead. Everyone make a roll.’

Cat: (passes)

Dog: (passes)

DM: ‘You both sneak past it-‘

Cat: ‘I cast invisibility.’

DM: ‘There’s no need-‘

Cat: ‘I cast invisibility.’

DM: ‘Erm... Okay... you vanish.’

Dog: ‘?’

Cat: ‘I cough loudly.’
DM: 'You arrive at a fast-moving river-'

Cat: 'Sorry, what?'

DM: 'A fast-moving river.'

Cat: 'I'm not swimming that.'

DM: 'Make a perception roll'.


DM: 'The river is too dangerous to swim-'

Dog: 'Wheeee!'


Cat: ...

Cat: 'Solo Campaign?'

DM: 'Sure.'
DM: ‘You are surrounded by Vampires closing in on you’.

Cat: ‘I draw both my +5 holy daggers.’

DM: ‘Dog?’

Dog: ‘Can I have a +5 holy dagger?’

Cat: ‘No.’

Dog: ...

Dog: ‘I cast a spell.’

DM: ‘Which one-‘.

Dog: ‘Polymorph self’.

DM: ‘Wha-‘.

Dog: ‘Into a Vampire.’

Cat: ...
DM: ‘Behind this door is the Lich Lord you are tasked with defeating!’

Dog: ‘I ready my sword’.

Cat: ‘I ready my bow.’

Dog: ‘I charge in, swinging!’

(Cat walks out)

Dog: ‘?’

DM: ‘?’

(Cat joins a new campaign elsewhere)

Cat: ‘Hello, you look like a fun group to join’.
John C. Reilly to play the dog.
@VancityReynolds to be the cat.
Tilda Swinton to voice the DM...
DM: ‘The Elder Titan thunders after you.’

Cat: ‘I hide.’

DM: ‘Make a hide roll.’

Cat: (passes).

DM: ‘The huge feet of the Titan pound the ground, inches from you-‘

Cat: ‘I leap at the feet.’

DM: ‘It’s a Titan! You won’t-‘

Cat: (death stare)

DM: (sighs) ‘...make a roll...’
DM: ‘You’re at a cliff edge with a sheer drop.’

Dog1: ‘I hold the rope for the rest to climb down.’

Dog2: ‘Wait - I want to hold the rope!’

Dog1: ‘Back off! It’s mine!’

DM: ‘You both tug at the rope - make a strength roll’.

(Both roll the same)

DM: ...

Cat: ‘I climb down.’
DM: Thanks to everyone who 'Liked', 'Retweeted' or commented on this thread - you're inspiring me to continue the journey...
DM: ‘You spot a Mind Flayer approaching.

Cat: ‘I hide in the shadows.’

Dog: ‘I hide in the shadows too.’

DM: ‘Both make a hide roll.’

Cat: ‘19’.

Dog: ‘1’.

DM: ‘Cat, even though hidden - Dog gives you away.’


Cat: ‘Cast fireball-‘

Dog: ‘BALL!’

(Dog jumps to catch)
DM: ‘Trying to follow you all back, bear with me, Twitter’s ‘limit’ rules are vexing me’.
DM: ‘A wraith appears!’

Dog: ‘I cast Magic Circle against Evil.’

DM: ‘You draw a circle.’

Dog: ’Run inside!’

DM: ‘Roll for perception’.


DM: ‘Dog - you spot Cat outside the circle - he cannot get in.’

Cat: ‘YOU B-!’

Dog: mouthes ‘sorry’

Cat: mouthes obscenities
DM: ‘As this is just a parody thread to amuse - on a serious note: Please continue to be Uber kind to all pets - they are so awesome and give back so much - I’ve had amazing pets (cats and dogs) in my time, all were cool members of our family.’
If you’ve enjoyed this thread, please take a moment to help any of the excellent animal charities out there like @wwf_uk @RSPCA_official @BlueCross_Media @DogsTrust @Battersea_ @PDSA_HQ - I know it’s going to be a tough winter for everyone, but any extra pennies all helps - TY!
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