Thread by @Morgan_Hughes

The baby doctor told us yesterday that she’d go ahead and schedule next weeks checkup, but there was really no point.

Said she’d just see us shortly at the hospital for the delivery.

😐

🚨🚨UPDATE🚨🚨

I’ll be using this thread to live vlog (video + blog = vlog) the eviction of Pam’s daughter from her growing chamber.

No labor yet. All systems normal.

Update complete.

39 weeks pregnant today, and all is quiet on the labor front. I am beginning to suspect this alleged baby is yet another hoax which has been cooked up by Pam and the Democrats.

Pam’s coward daughter remains in her cocoon of failure, silently taunting those who foolishly predicted her early arrival.

Time is the fire in which we burn.

UPDATE: Weekly checkup with the baby doctor complete. Literally nothing has changed in seven entire days, Pam’s daughter continues to overstay her welcome in this unholy womb of cowardice.

We decided months ago that we would give her my last name; I am rethinking this decision.

Exciting start to the day.

A man literally just broke into our house. When I yelled “hello” downstairs, he came sprinting upstairs with Pam’s car keys in hand. Calmly told him he was in the wrong fucking house and he needed to leave.

He handed me the keys and left.

After I chased him down (in my underwear) to make sure he didn’t steal anything, I called 911.

While talking to the dispatcher, a car pulled up behind our neighbors house. I thought it might be someone looking for the intruder.

Nope, it was a guy getting a blowjob.

Fantastic.

When the cop showed up, he said something like “well everything happens in 3’s, you’re still due for something else today.” Told him my wife is 40 weeks pregnant. Based on science, he concluded that there will likely be a birth today.

What a time to be alive. Or to become alive.

Things I forgot to mention:

-The guy did steal a pair of Pam’s shoes, which is why I chased him down. Should have let him go. We have plenty.

-911 operator said I get the “calmest victim of the day award”, so I have that going for me, which is nice.

🏆

BABY UPDATE!

Bad: Pam is still not in labor.

Good: This is the second day in a row that I wasn’t awakened by an intruder in my house.

END OF BABY UPDATE.

Still no baby.

Switching things up.

I’ve been kind and nurturing and a caring lover to Pam for 8 years, and she’s never given birth once. Being nice clearly isn’t working.

I’ve spent the last hour mocking her and making fun of how she looks.

Updates as they’re available...

I have regrets.

Today is our due date. Pan is officially 40 weeks pregnant, and her daughter remains hidden in her womb of lies.

This baby has so much growing up to do. Very childish. Sad.

For those asking, yes, we’re scheduled to be induced at some point next week, but since time is now meaningless and I’m pretty sure I’m living in a simulation anyway the doctors may as well have told us to expect the baby to arrive between Shark Week and Toyotathon.

Today Pam is “everything you do physically hurts me and nothing you say is even remotely funny” weeks pregnant, which is a real shame because being married to me is a gift and I’m one of the funniest people who live in this house.

Back from another baby doctor appointment. Still no change. Nothing is happening. No movement. Tomorrow is yesterday. The passage of time is a rumor. Babies aren’t real. Pregnancy is a lie.

I’ve been informed that Pam is upset about this joke. She thinks her baby is going to come out looking uglier than this baby which will apparently be disappointing to, I don’t know, people on twitter? Did you ever think about not having ugly babies? God this pregnancy a chore.

me irl

Officially being induced this evening. Excited for this baby to get its ass out of my wife and for life to return to normal. This pregnancy thing has been quite tiring.

What a perfect day for this to start happening out front. Truly #BLESSED.

OUR FRONT YARD, NOW WITH INFINITY PERCENT MORE INDUSTRIAL JACKHAMMERING. WHAT A RARE GODDAMNED TREAT.

Leaving for the hospital.

Current status: hiding in the bathroom, avoiding Pam. #CHAMPION

I think they should talk to you in school about how gross twenty gallons of fluid pouring out of your wife is.

Epidural complete. The procedure took probably took a few minutes longer than normal, as all four people in the room realized we were #Crew96 season ticket holders and we had to talk about it and figure out who our mutual friends are. Funnest epidural ever.

Proud to report that I defeated Pam last night in the sleeping contest, 2 hours to 0 hours. #DosACero

Pam: what are you thinking about

Me: if I’ll love this baby less than or as much as I loved Gary

Pam: I would hope you’d love her more

Me: I didn’t say more as an option

Pam: I noticed

10 cm ✅

This is about to get real, folks.

And now a picture of Gary because someday when I’m going back through this thread it’ll make me feel like he was a part of today.

96% of the medical instruments used in delivering a baby are scissor-looking stainless steel poking or grabbing devices, and that is a thing that I did not know until today.

Labor playlist 2020: activated.

Beatles. Paul Simon. Whitney Houston. James Taylor. Naughty by Natute. Robin Thicke (obviously). ELO. Linda Ronstadt. Mariah Carey. Beach Boys. The Band. Van Halen. Celine Dion. The Darkness. Carole King.

💯🎵🏆

They left the dry erase marker in the room. They blundered.

My daughter Nora Ray Hughes entered the world today 4/24/2020 at 11:38 am.

She is healthy and perfect and very noisy.

My heart is full. ❤️❤️❤️

Pam is a superhero. I don’t even know what else to say. She’s the strongest person in the world. In the entire freaking world.

Here she is. She mad. #NoraOnTour

One of the things on the going home checklist should be not leaving dry erase markers around the #champion.

Everything I’ve read about babies seems to indicate that the goal is to have one pee and one poop in the first twenty four hours of life, which is a lie because Pam’s daughter has been sharting up an absolute STORM.

This is the face of an inconsiderate poop monster.