Thread by @MattWaldman

Based on feedback, questions and discussion from an earlier thread, here are some things that white people can do on an individual level to be more supportive and understanding of their black colleagues, friends, and folks they would like to have deeper bonds with.

First, as you all know in the abstract but we often fail at in reality, people are individuals. What I am advising isn’t always applicable and best for every individual situation.

The best thing I can advise overall is listen, DON’T talk. Really listen.

If you work with black colleagues, especially in a corporate environment, understand that many people will be dreading work after what’s happened this weekend. Dreading being put in a position to play “black representative” to answer your questions or debate your points.

They’re understandably angry, sad, worried, and most of all—if they have lived enough life and seen this all play out decade after decade—tired and feeling empty.

Having to go to work is enough. Put on the spot to answer non-work questions ?

If that colleague is definitely a closer friend, inviting them to have a conversation off work grounds or after work is best. Ask if there is anything you can do in light of recent events of this week (AND decade) and how they’re coping.

If that colleague or friend has NEVER broached race with you—now is not the time to start that dialogue. They don’t trust you enough yet for this convo. Starting this convo or sharing your thoughts is insensitive and more about you than them.

BTW. telling people how many followers you have lost because you are doing what you’re supposed to do as a human being is narcissistic. People are dying; I don’t give two fucks about your follower count—you turned something about others into something about you. STOP.

If a black colleague or friend broaches a convo with you about recent events and race, they feel comfortable enough to test the waters. Listen. Expect anger and raw emotion. This is not about you—even if you ID w/people they are talking about. Ask what you can do.

Tell them you are sorry they are dealing with this. If they ask you what you think and you really don’t understand the dynamics and history of what’s happening, better that you are honest and say that but you care about them and would like to learn/read/watch.

Don’t broach these topics with their kids around. Be sensitive that they would like to have these conversations in their time and way with their loved ones. It amazes me how many times I have seen this happen.

Your time will come to ask questions, share thoughts, and have a dialogue if that person is truly your friend. You have time to be patient if this is a real friendship and you’re not making this about you. Show you can listen and be trusted to acknowledge feelings.

Speaking of kids...Raise your daughters well. Tell them “No” often. Don’t give into tantrums, tirades, triangulation, and manipulation. Don’t turn them into the Amy Coopers of the world. We already have too many who need to grow up.

If you are a leader of people, do not coddle these Amy Coopers and their tears. Deal in logic. If they try to gain sympathy and start crying during meetings about a conflict, ask them if they need time to compose themselves so they can discuss clearly.

And if you are going to coddle women crying in the workplace and not operate professionally regardless of gender (inadvisable) —hell, black women have feelings, too and are tired of having to be the strong and mature ones in these situations as they are targets of triangulation.

Back to raising daughters not to be Amy Coopers. Challenge them. Ask them to think. Make them solve problems. Make them use logic. Acknowledge feelings, yes. Nurture. But also give them skills to live and thrive alone.

You may feel this isn’t going to change the country but this is how it starts. You can’t change things without relationships. You can’t have relationships without dialogue. And you can’t have dialogue without someone trusting you to listen.

It begins that simply.