Thread by @QuinnyPig

And we're back with more Snarking for Racial Justice tweets, this time during US business hours. I've cleared most of my day, so lets get to it. Rules in the quoted tweet, let's get started. #BlackLivesMatter

https://twitter.com/QuinnyPig/status/1267639418745049088

$550 goes to roast @Netflix, renowned for giving conference talks about things that don't apply to you. They're big into hiring the best of the best, paying them absolute top of market, and then losing boatloads of money streaming movies and producing original content.

You'll frequently see a bunch of open source projects released by @Netflix, then never updated again. What you're seeing is an engineer who's about to quit passing their work to themselves as they sprint to another company.

$100 to roast Haskell, which is coincidentally the same amount of money in cloud resources it takes to finally finish compiling "hello world."

https://twitter.com/asivitz/status/1267704490771300352

€250 to make fun of @RichiH from the man himself, indulging his apparent Beat the Crap Out of Me fetish. When he sets aside his empathy and engages German Work Mode, all hell breaks loose. Fortunately he works on things nobody cares about like Debian, Prometheus, and Grafana.

$500 to roast @MongoDB, which was founded on the ideal that you can make up for database shortcomings with marketing: "if you lose data using it, you're clearly an idiot."

"Taunting @jepsen_io @jepsen and misrepresenting its results" was pursued as a DevRel strategy.

It's not clear who @MongoDB's customers are beyond folks they've snookered so thoroughly that there's no valid exodus path. The only reason it's easier to leave MongoDB than Oracle is because Oracle at least doesn't randomly lose your data, rendering the problem moot.

$500 to roast @googlechrome, but "no RAM jokes allowed." Fair enough!

Who could have a problem with "the world's biggest ad company watching everything you do on the internet at all times?"

I kid, Google is very concerned about privacy.

The trouble is that they define "privacy" as "keeping your data between you and Google."

$300 to snark about @PalantirTech.

@awscloud's social media policy is "don't let people think you speak for Amazon."

Palantir's social media policy is "don't ever say you work here; are you nuts?! Do you want to justifiably be dragged into the street once people find out?!"

$26 for @InstabaseInc. "Who?" They're an app store for enterprises.

If you fill out a request for quote, and *THEY* respond with "Who?" they throw your request in the garbage, as you're clearly not about to burn Famous Enterprise Bank Money.

$695 goes to roast the unholy collaboration suite trinity of @zoom_us, @workplacefromFB, and @MicrosoftTeams. Hoo boy. How best to tackle this one. I think they're best delineated by target market...

So @zoom_us is apparently giving free user info over to the cops. Great plan, folks. This is a terrific week to drop that particular angle. What PR genius came up with this talking point and let your CEO share it on a call?

https://twitter.com/nicoagrant/status/1268020841054269440?s=21

Speaking of complete idiots, that's who @workplacefromFB markets to. Freaking FACEBOOK is somehow who you're choosing to share corporate secrets within? "Hah, it has no customers" you'd think. You'd be wrong. Almost all have had major data breaches in the past 5 years.

And @microsoftteams, whose biggest and only proponents work at Microsoft. "It's better than Lync" but so's a kick in the stomach. Its DAU numbers only impress until you remember that it's both free and installed by default as part of whatever they're calling Office365 this week.

$520 for a combination of Firecracker and Bottlerocket. Both are "open source" projects that came out of @awscloud. Both handle low level virtualization stuff that you should have the good sense to let your cloud provider handle for you.

They're only "open source" insofar as that while all of the committers work at AWS, there's plenty of work to do as a community advocate. Your entire job will be correcting people who put the words "Amazon" or "AWS" in front of the project names.

$250 to mock @18F: They're founded on the Google model; they're inflicted upon various groups, they remind the folks they encounter how much smarter they are, and after at most 4 years they've vested all of their equity and are forced to bounce on out of there to go elsewhere.

$54 to snark about @Kodak--wait, what? It's 2020! $54 is enough to buy a controlling interest in the company! Both Wikipedia and their own marketing pages are aligned around the message: "We have no idea what we've done since 2012."

$105 to hear about @Cisco? I'll buy that!

If I'm Cisco, I'll buy anything that holds still long enough. This week @thousandeyes joins @duosec, @AppDynamics, and to many more to count as "companies Cisco is actively ruining."

https://twitter.com/saintaardvark/status/1268193025777209345?s=20

And $550 to once again roast @GitHub. "Let me guess, you're going to talk about their ICE contracts."

Yes. I am. And we're going to keep talking about this, because "kids in cages" is a line with very clear "right" and "wrong" sides to it.

See, @Github has staked out a position of "we'll do business with the government," which is fine, as positions go. The trouble is they picked the least sympathetic approach possible around which to base that position.

As a result, no one; absolutely *NO ONE* can or will come to @GitHub's defense. They're very much isolated, which means that they have to defend themselves--and their stated position is indefensible.

They've painted themselves into a corner, and blundered badly.

I don't know how they fix it, but my god; for a company run by smart, empathetic people I really struggle to understand how they got themselves into this mess. Do better. I like @GitHub, but every discussion about you devolves into your contributions to war crimes.

$50 to talk about @accenture, a company that doesn't roll out of bed for less than $10 million.

I'm not saying their bungled $34 million website redesign for @Hertz is why Hertz is filing for bankruptcy, but I'm sure it didn't exactly help matters.

Accenture's core competencies are ridiculous airport ads, hilariously overwrought enterprise delivery pipelines, and competing heavily with @Deloitte over who can lose more business to MBB.

$100 for @Pivotal. There is, I'm not kidding, a shareholder lawsuit against them for not disclosing that Kubernetes was kicking CloudFoundry's ass so hard that it could taste the shoe leather.

And now you know a bit more about why VMware panic-acquired them for $2.7 billion.

$100 to talk about facial recognition software, specifically @awscloud's Rekognition.

Three problems with Rekognition:
1. It doesn't work super well.
2. It's being messaged super poorly.
3. It isn't expensive! I mean, if you're going to usher in a dystopia, charge more!

$50 to talk about @nutanix, which I have just learned is not in fact a breakfast cereal. What is it?

Nobody knows. Least of all their web site.

Customer quotes about upgrades from an airline that doesn't do upgrades, VW talking about how easy it is now to fool regulators, a quote from someone who's apparently never heard of cloud before, and a work/live balance from someone who works at a stock exchange.

Nutanix(tm): Coming soon to a Gartner Magic Quadrant near you.

$100 to talk about @NewRelic! Oh boy.

I was a New Relic customer twice. The first time, I exempted the staging environments from full price for obvious reasons. A quarter passes; SURPRISE I'm over my usage and need to renegotiate. I look like an idiot to my boss.

The second time, @newrelic pulled the exact same trick. I clicked the button while in the meeting that deployed the staged change that ripped out 90% of our New Relic usage then politely asked for a refund since we were already negotiating.

I found the practice disgusting, customer hostile, and I haven't cared much for @newrelic ever since.

Maybe that makes me a naive fool who doesn't get how enterprise sales works--but strangely, everyone I talk to has a story that's a lot like this.

$250 to roast @kubernetesio. I've gotta say, that's a hard one to smack. I mean, it's a genius project: it gets an entire ecosystem of people to volunteer to do work for Google. It's the next level of "deploying App Engine as a recruiting tool."

Kubernetes is Very Important to Deploy according to a bunch of people who make $200K a year to Deploy Kubernetes.

However, when it inevitably breaks, what then? Google has your back: blame Istio, which is a completely separate thing!

This is the true value of microservices. As wizened sage @mattstratton often says, "Microservices can't break; they only do one thing, and if they break that'd be doing a second thing!"

Best of all, Kubernetes is really Google's way to get the rest of the world to write code the way that Google does:

Condescendingly.

Another $100 to roast @Facebook. Okay, it's RealTalk time.

I got some flak for saying Facebook employees should quit. "What about folks who are here on visas? It's not that easy!"

I get it; the US immigration system is toxic broken garbage.

However.

Facebook didn't magically become shitty this week. They're basically a criminal enterprise. It's VERY clear that if you work there, you know what you're in for. Unless you've been on a visa for the past twelve years, you don't get a pass on working there.

When @mike_julian and I looked at marketing approaches, we paid a consultant to run an analysis. We implemented forms of everything recommended except Facebook. If Facebook is required to run a business, we'll go under first.

I only now realize that @dhh made stickers for this.

$53.45 to talk about @automattic. Now, I use @wpengine, but Automattic fixes a key problem that WPEngine has, provided you view "their design director isn't a Nazi" as a problem.

https://twitter.com/amyhoy/status/1267866587563831296?s=20

$50CAD to skewer @confluentinc.

They're an open source company who wants the world to use their code. Then that "use our code" raised three octaves into a "NO NOT LIKE THAT" shriek as cloud providers offered hosted Kafka.

And thus they turn on their own community.

Two years older than @datadoghq, @NewRelic chose to extort companies instead of working with them collaboratively and thus was rewarded with less than 20% the market cap.

Fun fact: their founder's name is an anagram for "New Relic."

https://twitter.com/morgangrobin/status/1268233479516418049?s=20

$200 to roast @awscloud Control Tower.

My biggest beef with this isn't that it spins up a bunch of accounts in your organization you didn't ask for or know that it was opening that are basically impossible to close.

My beef is that they didn't call it "AWS Wells Fargo."

$50 request for @Shopify:

They're not a super well known consumer brand, but they power the web shops for a bunch of household names.

Like Breitbart.

So if you're on the other side of #BlackLivesMatter, Shopify is absolutely thrilled to do business with you.

Can you tell the difference between these technologies? Of course you can't, because data science is a well executed scam.

You can get all kinds of INSIGHTS from your data that lead to RESULTS but never actual money.

https://twitter.com/claytonyochum/status/1268240276428148738?s=20

It's very important though that you keep believing in the power of data, because all of these companies want to sell you things around your data, and they all charge by the gigabyte.

"There's no compression algorithm for experience" specifically because they charge that way.

$105 to talk about @Gartner_inc!

I'm mostly jealous of them. I wish I could charge companies hundreds of thousands of dollars for reports that they would then proudly post on their websites demonstrating how their competitors are kicking the shit out of them.

"Hang on, @gartner_inc is absolutely not pay to play!" proclaim people who work at Gartner or have themselves paid to play.

"I volunteer for the Red Cross in underserved areas, does that count?" Yes it does, and that's admirable work, so let's get to it. @tableau, you're up!

So @tableau is like a more complex @msexcel in every way. More powerful features, more extensible, and of course its licensing is the love child that Microsoft and Oracle drowned at birth.

It's the single largest software check @mike_julian and I write (I think?) every year.

So I've made my peace with @tableau and its hideous expense--until last week.

@mike_julian: "Uh, can I give your Tableau license to our new hire?"

I don't say this lightly, but I'm glad @SalesForce is going to ruin them into a mountainside post acquisition.

"I donated $36.50, can you do @Office365?"

No, you stupid, stupid jackass! It's @Microsoft365 now! Don't you get it?! Word was basically feature complete in 2006, but they've gotta change SOMETHING to justify their recurring license fee!

Microsoft didn't pay millions on a rebrand for you to screw up the product name! PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR FREAKING EMAIL!

God DAMN. Some people...

So @apple has two things largely wrong with it.

1. They have no public culture. "Come work here" means you'll lose all of your friends. Nobody knows anyone at Apple, they just used to know them but lost touch.

https://twitter.com/bennyharv3/status/1268241670014984193?s=20

2. After YEARS of crappy keyboards, @Apple are now being praised for finally trashing the crappy laptop keyboards. All you have to do is pay them thousands of dollars more and they'll give you a system that is in other respects virtually identical to the busted one from 2015.

$750 to talk about @Akamai. What's wrong with Akamai?! Their API is awesome, provided you say it quickly enough that it sounds like something different than what you actually said.

Okay, this is going to take a bit of a stretch, but we're going for the complete set!

https://twitter.com/jpetazzo/status/1268251217383342081?s=20

First we have @PagerDuty (motto: "Wake up, asshole!"). Configuring Nagios escalations sucks; everyone knows this. I don't know as it's a problem that solving it justifies a $2 billion market cap, but I get it; open source maintainers are pretty goddamned ornery.

My biggest complaint with @PagerDuty is that they:

1. Haven't sponsored any of my nonsense.
2. Refuse to acknowledge the validity of an on-call rotation consisting purely of "turn the pager off and let it all burn."

Next up we have @honeycombio, who *is* both a sponsor and a reference Duckbill Group consulting client. I have no self-preservation instinct whatsoever.

Honeycomb's biggest problem is that they haven't yet internalized that "an elevator pitch" doesn't extend to letting you wreck the elevator so you get a full 2 hours to explain what the company does.

"Here's an awesome thing that we solve for; it will add tremendous value" is a rare and powerful thing. Unfortunately the only folks who understand it are the same people who fetishize "screw vendors, we're gonna build it ourselves!"

That brings us to @datadoghq, which to begin with is more than a little disgusting if you really think about it.

Ignoring their Trained Attack Interns who've mastered the ancient art of badge scanning at conferences, the biggest problem @datadoghq has is that they shove everything even slightly monitoring related into their product.

There are entire operating systems with less complexity.

$500 for Amazon Ring. *cracks knuckles*

This is a half-win for the Amazon marketing team. First, the loss: "Ring" is kind of a weird name for a service that leads to "the police kick the door in without knocking."

Secondly, the world was astonished that Amazon provided talking points to police departments to defend the deal.

It was obvious! They made no sense, and when have you ever heard the cops talk about "customer obsession?"

They do score high on "Ownership" from asset forfeiture.

Wow. $10K for @awscloud's RDS Postgres.

I'd have gotten to this sooner but my computer was thrown into maintenance during the window that I couldn't override.

https://twitter.com/jer_s/status/1268259419483062272?s=20

RDS in general is great when you want to pay for two database servers, but only be allowed to use one of them.

Postgresql in particular is for when when you get nostalgic about earlier in your career and want to run the same software as you did yesteryear.

Whenever RDS Postgres comes out with a new feature, you know it's going to work super well because RDS MySQL came out with it months and months beforehand.

PostreSQL user management has always been a bit different. RDS lets you wreck your entire month because now you get to factor IAM based access into it, too.

You can also use it with @awscloud Lambda, showcasing PostgreSQL's inability to handle 10,000 concurrent connections without falling over and exploding unless you pay AWS to mitigate this in one of several ways.

Choose @awscloud PostgreSQL RDS: because at least it's not @Oracle

$550 for @Cisco.

So a neteng dies and goes to heaven. All of the vendors are standing together; Juniper folks by themselves, the Palo Alto networking folks off to one side, the F5 folks burning merrily in hell, etc.

"What's behind that fence?" they ask?
"SHHH!" says St. Peter. "That's the @cisco area. They think they're the only ones up here."

AND NOW YOU KNOW WHAT MINDSET YOU NEED TO PASS THE CISCO CERT TESTS

$515 to talk about @GoodRx. You know their service is highly valuable because they give stacks of membership cards away for free at every doctor's office.

It also solves the biggest problem facing healthcare today: "How can I make sure to bypass insurance so my medications don't count towards my deductible?" That's some top-tier VC thinking there, @GoodRx.

And another $100 to roast the Duckbill Group, aka "the company @mike_julian and I own."

I don't know that "opening the bill in @msexcel and sorting by big numbers instead of alphabetically" is a revelation, but the market disagrees.

That's some 2028 thinking for @awscloud.

I'm the Greatest Cloud Influencer in the World because I tell people to turn things off they're not using, and I WhiteGuyTechBro'd my way into presenting this as revolutionary.

A non-specific donation amount for @databricks, better known as what gets thrown through your datawindow.

You have no idea what that metaphor means, but "fixing a broken window" would cost you orders of magnitude less for more value.

Ding ding ding! Someone found the mystery box!

"Why is @elastic in the mystery box?"

Because today was their earnings call!

https://twitter.com/CrisDaniluk/status/1268288597746233344?s=20

Now, there are no news articles out about it yet, because let's face it: not too many people care about @elastic in the market sense.

Elastic likes to whine and complain about AWS moving into their market. This bypasses the problem that running @Elastic yourself is hell on earth.

"We run it better than AWS" is almost certainly false. You can say a lot about @awscloud, but they're operationally excellent.

The @elastic execs like to vacillate between "we're crushing it and everyone loves us" and "the cloud is a serious competitive threat and AWS should be sanctioned."

They usually try not to express both in the same conversation.

There's an ongoing lawsuit with SearchGuard and AWS over the "Elasticsearch trademark."

I suppose, based upon their attitude towards their community and partners, that yeah; Elasticsearch is a database. At least, @elastic sure acts like a database company.

And $750 to smack @HPE, who attempts to compete with the wrong companies for the wrong reasons.

They tried to one-up @awscloud's "Systems Manager Session Manager" with trying to make the #Cloudless hashtag a thing.

They were cyberbullied into stopping that. Good work.

Managerial secret: find good people, pay them well, give them context, and get the hell out of their way. Your team will surprise you.

The exact opposite of this approach is called "The HP Way."

They haven't even entertained us with a good acquisition in years!

@HPE did buy Cray--a freaking legend in this industry. Why? Apparently to never mention the name again, because that would draw attention to the fact that HP still apparently exists. Poorly.

$2000 to roast @redislabs. I’m sorry--who?

And $500 from me to dish on @Google extra hard:

"Project Shield" is a free anti-DDoS service offered by Google to ensure freedom of speech / the press. It's a noble thing!

It currently protects Breitbart.

Sure seems to me like this violates their Content and Conduct policy for Project Shield, but I am a simple Cloud Economist, not a fancy city lawyer.

I wonder if it applies to @slpng_giants's approach. I mean... Project Shield is free; they're not selling it to Breitbart, they're *donating it*.

$100 for this one. Gaze into this image. You might think it's how you pair an iPhone to your Apple watch, but no. It's an actual microservices diagram for a company's build.

They are @monzo, and they are cosplaying as a freaking *BANK*.

The distributed systems execution choice is "at most once," "at least once," or "we haven't a clue."

@monzo is, once again, putatively *A BANK*.

$50 for @Atlassian? Well okay!

A few years back the @awscloud console was *ABYSMAL*. The modern redesign is way better.

The original designers now apparently run UX for JIRA.

https://twitter.com/Chodelay/status/1268329462656987137?s=20

Slow down there, hasty pudding; I'm not done.

Confluence is where your company docs go to die. "WTF is Markdown" is their product motto, and it doesn't matter how badly you screw up security; you can't even find your own work, so attackers will be completely helpless.

So @jetbrains has been around since the dark ages, but it never comes up in the context of "vi vs. emacs" wars. This is mostly because the type of nerds who make those arguments will invest years of their lives into their editors, but not $500.

https://twitter.com/runewake2/status/1268335065785757698?s=20

I'd further like to point out that @jetbrains is headquarted in Prague because it...

is great at dependency Czeching.

Ooh, $500 for this one. Okay: next up, fire up the @awscloud console. Scroll all the way down until you see "OpsWorks." Click it. Way down in the lower right of the splash page you'll encounter the only time this decade you will ever see @puppetize mentioned.

Before they were acquired / strangled / killed by Google, DORA researched and authored an amazing annual "State of DevOps Report."

@Puppetize also puts out a "State of DevOps report" based upon their bleeding edge experience with customers from the past.

So @isforat donated $1030 to @UndoingRacism for an entire thread in which I dish on Cloud Marketing. That's harder than it looks! I'm a big fan of Cloud Marketing; I think it would be an excellent idea for @awscloud, @azure, and @gcpcloud to discover.

https://twitter.com/IsForAt/status/1267698465615691776

We start with @azure: Their "Why Azure" page's leading value proposition is that you don't necessarily have to use Azure if you don't want to. This is like seeing Eeyore as a couple's therapist. Maybe have an aspirational take on the situation just a bit?

"It's 5x cheaper to run Microsoft workloads on Azure than on other clouds!" proclaims @azure. How not at all suspicious; I'm sure there's no licensing tomfoolery afoot here. Exactly how stupid does Microsoft think its customers are?

Next is @awscloud. Their marketing pages are full of superlatives: most secure, best experience, etc. There's nothing here that wasn't lifted from a reInvent keynote in 2015. For a company with the "fastest pace of innovation" they sure do give the same keynote year after year.

The @awscloud product detail page has a great UI, as long as the UI you're comparing it to is the front page of Amazon.com. If you're comparing it to @GCPcloud's product page it's crap.

Which brings us to @GCPcloud. This graphic unintentionally looks like their figure skating results. The numbers certainly line up that way! The 8/10 from the Canadian judge shows the fix is definitely in.

If I make fun of Google turning things off and claim that @gcpcloud is going to get turned off in a few years, I get excoriated. But IF THEY DID Google Reader GCP; the response would be "what did you expect?"

Nothing on their voluminous marketing site speaks to this point.

The problem these companies have with Cloud Marketing is that they clearly inform their marketing by talking to the people who are building the services. Those folks are too close to the problem to articulate it from the customer perspective, so then it becomes an airport ad.

Meanwhile these companies fail to grasp the real problem: customers have better things to do than constantly deal with a barrage of updates, news, certification adjustments, events, and classes from their cloud provider. They simply want the computers to work.

I think the real question is whether @Google is going to explicitly call it out as a deprecation, or say nothing and sincerely hope that nobody asks this precise question.

Fear not. It's on my Spite Calendar.

https://twitter.com/pburkholder/status/1268342932194590727?s=20

$100 to snark at @gitlab, a company founded upon realizing that GitHub was centralizing a decentralized tool, and saw an opportunity to fix that by--hahahahaha I am of course messing with you.

"US TOO BUT IMPERCEPTIBLY DIFFERENT" and here we are today.

$100 for @NameCheap, better known as "a thinking person's @GoDaddy."

Their mobile app is great for your inebriated domain purchases and absolutely nothing else.

Namecheap lets you:
* Buy domains
* Transfer them somewhere responsible

You've probably seen @NameCheap if you work at a startup, where your founder bought 300 domains for harebrained ideas including the one that worked and now you work there.

Migrate it elsewhere immediately.

$500 for a new contender here: @jfrog!

Their purpose is to put a shiny enterprisey interface on top of an Apt or Yum repository, enable versioning on it, and provide a jobs program to keep @jbaruch off the streets.

The @jfrog artifactory pricing is reasonable: $3K a year. If you want HA with twice as many copies it of course costs 10X as much.

"Wait... couldn't I just turn on S3 bucket replication myse--" and that's when @jbaruch begins frantically shushing me.

In seriousness: they've got a GREAT position that's fairly unassailable, and their frog logo is just the right mix of playful and corporate.

That said, it's certainly no platypus.

Here we go: $500 for "Zero Trust" as a technology. Quick primer: no VPN involved; you use authenticated calls to everything.

"Identity is the new perimeter" is the watchword here.

https://twitter.com/mattsachs/status/1268350912612806656?s=20

Sounds great, right? Okay, access that database across the internet then. I'll wait.

"Well you're doing it wrong! Put an API in front of the database!"

The database is DB2 and it powers the entire bank's ATM network.

Like oh so many things that owe at least conceptual homage to Google, it fails to account for the possibility of a company older than 40 years. Migrations don't actually work; when it comes to the billing system, EVERYTHING is Waterfall.

Good luck. You'll need it.

"How much does it cost for you to dunk on my company in a Twitter thread of its own?!"

Why on earth do folks think that--oh my god I've become Dark Gartner. Hey @Gartner_inc, do you have "Magic Pentagram" trademarked too?

$50 to dunk on @jfrog events? Okay!

The year I spoke at #SwampUP they had a hypnotist come in, ostensibly as entertainment but really because convincing people to spend $30K on a package repo absolutely requires it.

https://twitter.com/Dixie3Flatline/status/1268362958125453312?s=20

Don't feel you can't name companies I've already covered.

I've been snarking about @awscloud for years at lastweekinaws.com and I haven't run out of new material yet.

$100 to roast @thekonginc!
Open Source and Large Organizations are like puppies and woodworking. Individually awesome, but combine them and you've got a huge bloody mess on your hands.

https://twitter.com/DennoVonDiesel/status/1268369443085844481?s=20

This @thekonginc section clearly needs more logos, because if you get this far you'll buy anything that calls itself "enterprise."

$100 for this one: Does data move in your organization so slowly that it'd be faster to hand-carry it? @SUSE is your Linux vendor of choice!

Here I fixed your button for you.

"$100 for more @Nutanix, please!" marking the first time in history that the phrase "More Nutanix, please" was ever spoken or uttered.

I swear you could mash up their website with four similar companies and nobody who works there would even notice, let alone the customers.

Another $1K donated and I'll livetweet @SlackHQ's earnings call tomorrow.

$50 for @CockroachDB! "But you can't make fun of the name."

Please; I'm better than that. CockroachDB is patterned after Google Spanner, in that it's supposedly a database that transcends CAP theorem but in practice here's a white paper with enough pages to kill a small dog.

Thus far @CockroachDB raised $195 million, propelling them to re-license on the ridiculous fantasy that AWS or similar might try to offer a hosted version.

In practice Google has Spanner and the other clouds wouldn't be caught dead following GCP's lead, so it just upset people.

$100 to hit @NetApp! They're consistently rated as one of the best places to work and have been ever since they began firing everyone who didn't give them a perfect score on the survey.

Originally they were the gold standard for file storage. Unfortunately, their competitors such as EFS, S3, and "the internet" caught up to them and they looked to be in dire straits.

Luckily they've recently realized that they can just BUY relevance; see: @spot_hq.

The rest of their website is spent carefully tiptoeing around their sleeping customers, lest they awaken and move to cloud.

Whoa; $1500 to dunk on @YouTube.

Hold my tea.

I have a 3 year old. She's great! @YouTube would like me to sign her up for YouTube for Kids next year when she is 4.

I will not be doing this because I am not freaking negligent. Are you people out of your goddamned minds?!

"Oops, we recommended a crapton of incredibly disturbing videos to kids. Again. Tee hee! You know how those algorithms can be..."

Oh, and there are ads. Yes, I want you to pour ads into her soft pudding-like mind. Genius. I can't WAIT to just hand her off to you folks.

I would say that @pinboard's tweet is accurate except that there's no black ribbon of solidarity on the @YouTube homepage this week.

https://twitter.com/pinboard/status/1267176341113167872

The core problem with @YouTube is the problem with a lot of advertising. As soon as you start dialing it in to specific audiences you're down a dark path.

I sell sponsorships in my stuff, but the audience is "people who find my bullshit amusing." We don't track people!

Yes, @YouTube, you're right. I could make a lot more money if I did--but at the cost of my soul.

I will neither be liking nor smashing the subscribe button to your bullshit.

I see the trolls have finally found this thread. $100 to dunk on @VxRail as if that were a real thing that existed.

One of their profile links goes to "Hyperconverged infrastructure for HCI"

The other goes to a Dell login portal.

I honestly can't top that.

Ah yes, $100 for @awscloud's ECR.

Now it's AWS; I could make up just about anything and you'd believe me, but we'll play it straight this time. ECR is a container registry that solves the primary problem with Docker Hub: people were willing to pay for it.

https://twitter.com/itchnguyen/status/1268391249767096320

They boosted their image limit from 1K (which you'd hit quickly" to 10K last year, meaning that instead, one day in the distant future your entire CI/CD pipeline blows itself to hell and you'll have zero idea why.

And $1K to skewer @DellEMC's Isilon.

I encountered these in the naughts right before the acquisition! I was told that they got more performant and better all around the more I had in the cluster, which is when I learned that that VAR would lie directly to my face.

A quick backdoor chat with a friend who worked at one of their "reference customers" informed me that if I just deployed the hardware directly into the dumpster everyone would be way better off.

I'm sure it's way better now that DellEMC owns them.

At least it's not involved in the cloud era--haha just kidding of COURSE there's an Isilon / GCP partnership.

cloud.google.com/blog/products/…

And $100 for @npmjs!

In the US evening hours, 30% of all internet traffic is @Netflix. The remaining 70% is `npm install`.

https://twitter.com/amyhoy/status/1268398630450483200

Oh dear-- $200 to dunk on "product managers."

For those who are unaware, they're "the CEO of the product" in many shops. Different companies treat them differently; Google offers a promotion track for them all the way up to becoming the SVP of Bad Decisions.

It's sort of a jack of all trades role with influence but no direct authority.

At AWS they're selected via whiteboard interview.

"On the whiteboard, determine the worst possible name for this dog."

At Azure, they're based upon who can woo Gartner most effectively.

At small startups they mostly just claim credit for the good parts of your unholy full stack monstrosity.

...sand do... nk... entee... FTTTZZZZ

Sorry, had to dial back in from my cell phone, the landline is on the fritz for some reason but they swear it's fine at the CO.

A thousand dollars to discuss @ATT SIP Trunking!

I just placed the order for the snark. It'll be turned up soon.

In the meantime there will be some issues as the circuit is in the legacy SBC system, but the SIP trunking is set up in the newer @ATT system.

"Wait, didn't they merge in 2005?" Yes. They did. I said what I said.

Now in theory, SIP trunking is a standard.

In theory a tiger is an overgrown housecat.

Once you get the hardware, the software, and the @ATT brain trust all on the same page, it theoretically works. Let's imagine that's the case.

It's billing time!

Now, the pricing isn't public, but the sheer number of dimensions available rival most @awscloud services.

Because the pricing is all "call for details" you can imagine how ridiculously in-depth it becomes. Your salesperson will name their boat after you.

But I'm. Not. Done.

This is, in effect, a dead legacy technology almost everywhere. It's expensive, complex, and finnicky. So if you're @ATT, how could you conceivably make it worse?

You fuse it to @MicrosoftTeams.

Been a busy morning; let's get caught up real quick-like before I have to LiveTweet the @slackhq earnings call.

$50 for @esri analysis:

It looks like a company in the GIS space that's been there for ages. Apparently their core competency is "storing GIS data in a format that nobody else can work with."

Sounds like the old Microsoft Word document format to me.

$1K to roast @SaltStack! Their product feels frozen in time from 2015; it was FANTASTIC back when I was using it, but I can't tell a single difference in the offering now vs. when I started.

Their innovation has all largely been around taunting Disney to smite them for swag.

$400 to crap on Python. Which version of my snark would you like? They're all incompatible with one another, somehow "pip" isn't installed, and the dependency chain to get it installed now has me somehow installing nokogiri in Ruby because all things lead to Ruby.

Meanwhile the old version of the Python snark has been soundly EOLd but it's still in use everywhere so the big vendors are trotting out "we still support it!" as if it's some kind of value add instead of an acknowledgement that their customers are ossified into the bedrock.

And we pause here--it's @SlackHQ earnings call time, and I committed yesterday to livetweet this for a goal that was easily surpassed.

https://twitter.com/quinnypig/status/1268645706446761984?s=21