All right; let me use my superpower for good:
For every charitable donation to benefit racial justice, I will dispense an Uncomfortable Truth about a technology / company of your choice.
Outsized donations can request their own thread topic. DM if you prefer anonymity.
For every charitable donation to benefit racial justice, I will dispense an Uncomfortable Truth about a technology / company of your choice.
Outsized donations can request their own thread topic. DM if you prefer anonymity.
We start with a confirmed four figure donation to roast the hell out of @hashicorp across the following five tweets, a phenomenal company started to solve the problem of "what if CloudFormation cost money."
Stumbling their way from business model to business model, their paid product "Atlas" was met with a collective shrug. It turns out that maybe "buying into their entire toolchain start to finish or get fucked" wasn't the best business model.
With over 50% headcount devoted to engineering--oh, sorry, I misread that. Sales. Over 50% of their headcount is sales; it turns out that convincing people to pay you for the thing you're giving away for free is on balance a terrible business model.
They're probably about two years from either turning into Oracle, or else changing their name to "@HashiCorp (part of COMPANY_WITH_SUSTAINABLE_BUSINESS_MODEL)" as soon as they pivot to "making money" instead of "bilking VCs."
They've already planned for this future by calling products "Vagrant" and "Nomad," meaning that when this goes against them they're already set up to pivot away from infrastructure software and into "crashing on a variety of friends' couches as their welcome slowly erodes."
(Keep them coming! No company is off limits. I will roast my own employer if you want.)
And a thousand dollar donation comes in with a request for the world's easiest target: @Oracle, the only company who could come in a full 8.5x cheaper than AWS and you'd still have to think really hard about it first.
In these troubled times, @Oracle employees are really outdoing themselves with outreach to those most affected: helping Facebook employees rationalize how they can best effect change by continuing to cash large paychecks.
Recently Alibaba announced $28 billion in infrastructure invesment over the next five years. @Oracle is looking to match them just as soon as they find a way to classify legal fees as CapEx.
"Amazon hates us and it still took them YEARS to migrate off of Oracle!" is a great talking point, but it's not the one that @oracle thinks it is.
Oracle finally got serious about databases when they acquired Dyn. You might argue that DNS isn't really a database, but then again neither is MongoDB.
The closest thing @awscloud has a to credible threat is @Azure, who are in turn doing their level best to completely blow it.
@MicrosoftTeams is about to see their DAU numbers evaporate as soon as they add "...by choice" as a qualifier.
@MicrosoftTeams is about to see their DAU numbers evaporate as soon as they add "...by choice" as a qualifier.
If you don't like something @Azure is doing, don't worry; just lobby @Gartner_inc to add "fixing that thing" to their Magic Quadrant criteria and Microsoft will be there with bells on.
$200 for me to somehow savage @pivotal better than their own strategic blunders already have. Apparently "Pivotal" is the perfect name for a company who chooses to sit and spin rather than doing anything that solves customer problems.
"Getting reacquired by the Dell/VMware behemoth to avoid shareholder lawsuits" is indeed a pivot, just not the kind that actually benefits their customers.
And a donation came in to tell some truth about @Twitter, whose vague clucks of disapproval of our clowndick president's tweets have somehow been taken as undoing all of their half-ass nonsense stretching back years.
They're doing surprisingly well for a company with a part time CEO. As @profgalloway recently highlighted, it's not @jack's proposed moving to Africa that's the problem so much as the possibility that he'll come back.
How the hell you shove a $34 billion purchase price down @IBM's throat, I have no clue! I mean, that'd be as easy as shoving an unwanted initd replacement down the throats of the entire Linux community at once--wait a minute.
"OpenShift is the way of the future!" is the rallying cry. And it is! It originally was built on OpenStack, now it's running on Kubernetes. Whatever technology wins, they'll just call it "OpenShift," and there's proof positive that they were visionaries.
When I tore @IBMcloud to pieces, absolutely no IBM employee said I was wrong. Several reached out to say I was right in my criticisms. Now they're advertising "IBMCloud Lite," so I just can't wait to see their somehow-shittier version.
Okay, this one is going to take me a second to appropriately roast. 
I think the requestor lacks ambition! If you're going to completely drop morality by the wayside, go see if Palantir can outbid @Facebook! Become a corporate raider (since rebranded to Private Equity).
My concern isn't that you're selling your soul, it's that you're selling it for less than market rate. Charge More!
Maybe I'm being too harsh. I mean, I'm sure the tobacco companies had GREAT employees working in their Accounts Payable department. Everyone remembers THOSE people as heroes.
At least the adult entertainment companies have a nondescript company name so you can put "Lifestyle Productions, LLC" on your resume instead of "The Boner Buffet Brothers." You won't wash off the @Facebook stain so easily.
A $25 donation to call out @splunk. That donation is 8,000x less than it takes to get Splunk to return your calls. You'll need to kidnap several princesses for ransom just to afford the sales pitch, let alone what your usage fee becomes.
Ugh, fine.
@TwitchiH is one of my closest friends, but without this donation I would never, ever have admitted that in public. He's been an inspiration, mentor, and occasional kick in the ass that I've needed to become a better human, and I owe him an incredibly debt.
@TwitchiH is one of my closest friends, but without this donation I would never, ever have admitted that in public. He's been an inspiration, mentor, and occasional kick in the ass that I've needed to become a better human, and I owe him an incredibly debt.
And another $25 for Twitter!
@Twitter has brought me business opportunities, money, friends, and more. The only way for me to pay them money for this immeasurably great service is to buy ads to shove in front of people who don't want to see them.
@Twitter has brought me business opportunities, money, friends, and more. The only way for me to pay them money for this immeasurably great service is to buy ads to shove in front of people who don't want to see them.
Hoo boy. @awscloud ECS is the answer to "how do we brew ourselves up a worse version of Kubernetes?"
"Well, what are you trying to fix about Kubernetes?"
"That it's associated with Google, mainly."
"Well, what are you trying to fix about Kubernetes?"
"That it's associated with Google, mainly."
$500 for @SnowflakeDB, the answer to "How do we compete with @awscloud RedShift?"
"We subsidize RedShift with VC money."
I'm not saying they have too much money, but at reInvent their booth had an actual working race car. I feel like someone should be asking questions.
"We subsidize RedShift with VC money."
I'm not saying they have too much money, but at reInvent their booth had an actual working race car. I feel like someone should be asking questions.
"Take your data warehouse and store it in someone else's account" is a hell of a lift, but they've somehow pulled it off by having influential VCs on most of the @SnowflakeDB customer boards.
$25 to roast @Lyft (motto: Uber for Cars). They've gone after Uber with a vengeance, refusing to cede the market of "losing money subsidizing more-dangerous taxi rides to people." Their primary natural predator right now remains "the rule of law."
$2K donated for @GCPcloud Monitoring. Their primary function is monitoring whether GCP has been @killedbygoogle yet.
I kid. They offer application monitoring both on @GCPcloud, because they are a part of Google, and @awscloud, because they want to land at least one customer who pays with money instead of free credits.
cloud.google.com/monitoring
cloud.google.com/monitoring
This looks like it might be Stackdriver (motto: "Prometheus for you idiots who can't configure it yourselves") but I honestly can't tell.
I swear to god this marketing page mentions @awscloud more than mine does, and they're the core of my entire business.
I swear to god this marketing page mentions @awscloud more than mine does, and they're the core of my entire business.
Speaking of: oh crap.
Here we go...
Here we go...
He's a two-bit hack who somehow turned his weird-ass "personality" into a less personable Carrot Top for Cloud Computing, presumably because he was worried anyone would ever understand one of his jokes. He remains a complete disappointments to his parents and also his dog.
And $500 to roast @stripe, or rather, $500 less 2.9% and a 30¢ transaction fee.
Stripe has become the default "API for Money," primarily on the back of being confused for Square. They spend most of their time on projects like Increment, which have nothing to do with money.
Stripe has become the default "API for Money," primarily on the back of being confused for Square. They spend most of their time on projects like Increment, which have nothing to do with money.
They hire amazing people also to not talk about money but rather opine about Dev, Ops, DevOps, SRE, and a bunch of other topics. Some of these people sell their collected works, usually on top of platforms that don't themselves use Stripe. One really, really wonders.
Ah, TikTok. I'm over the age of 25 so I'm not entirely sure what it is, but "Vine that @twitter can't kill yet" seems to be it.
It's another Web 2.0 model of the form "you make the content, we make the money."
It's another Web 2.0 model of the form "you make the content, we make the money."
And $1K to Canonical, better known as "the less successful South African billionaire's vanity project." Instead of bringing humans to mars, this focuses on bringing Linux to people who don't care about it. Both feel like moonshots with slim chances of success.
The real "out" for Canonical is an acquisition, but there's no possible way that @IBM would possibly ever be that stupid a second time--oh my god what am I saying?! "Canonical (an IBM company)" is coming to their branding by 2023 at the latest.
Another $1100 to roast @Chef, the company with brilliant moves such as:
* Hire your entire community so you pay everyone who says nice things about you
* Get them to stop that by doing business with ICE
* Walk THAT back so hamfistedly people forget you entirely
* Hire your entire community so you pay everyone who says nice things about you
* Get them to stop that by doing business with ICE
* Walk THAT back so hamfistedly people forget you entirely
Another $200 to roast @RedHat, which brings their total to more than they'll likely see in profit this quarter.
I'm sure their cultural absorbtion into IBM will go super well.
RedHat people: get tattoos with the RedHat logo
IBM: Tries to divest RedHat upon the discovery that they employ people with tattoos"
RedHat people: get tattoos with the RedHat logo
IBM: Tries to divest RedHat upon the discovery that they employ people with tattoos"
"That hasn't been true since the 80s," better known as "the last time IBM was relevant to anything."
Ooh, $100 for @SHI_Intl.
You feed a toddler by making airplane noises, then maneuvering the spoon into their mouths.
SHI makes a rocketship noise, then takes the spoon holding @cloudhealthtech and punches the customer in the face with it. "SURPRISE, NEW VMWARE CUSTOMER!"
You feed a toddler by making airplane noises, then maneuvering the spoon into their mouths.
SHI makes a rocketship noise, then takes the spoon holding @cloudhealthtech and punches the customer in the face with it. "SURPRISE, NEW VMWARE CUSTOMER!"
A grand and change to mock @Deloitte.
Hoo boy. "MBBA--no, it's MBBD!" scream their employees, slapfighting with Accenture for fourth place.
Meanwhile their customers sign contracts happily, content in the knowledge that they'll be Deloitte partners in their next role.
Hoo boy. "MBBA--no, it's MBBD!" scream their employees, slapfighting with Accenture for fourth place.
Meanwhile their customers sign contracts happily, content in the knowledge that they'll be Deloitte partners in their next role.
Their primary marketing is airport ads. Nobody is going to buy from that, but "Who the hell are these clowns" when they make a pitch would kill the deal, as it would imply
A) that @deloitte are clowns, and
B) not even one of the better known clowns.
A) that @deloitte are clowns, and
B) not even one of the better known clowns.
It seems a bit odd to mock a streaming music service--OH! Sorry, I get those two confused, just like absolutely everyone who ever talks to or is related to a @Shopify employee.
"We make lots of money but nobody knows we exist" is an aspiration for some.
"We make lots of money but nobody knows we exist" is an aspiration for some.
The Duckbill Group is basically paid to explain cloud bills to people.
"Here's what you can do to save money on your @awscloud bill" makes clients feel way better about doing approximately none of those things.
"Here's what you can do to save money on your @awscloud bill" makes clients feel way better about doing approximately none of those things.
$54 to roast @salesforce? That won't even cover naming rights on a bus station that's falling apart in downtown San Francisco.
That apparently costs WAY more. Just ask @salesforce.
That apparently costs WAY more. Just ask @salesforce.
$55 to roast @Docker. You might remember them as the company that fought everyone who tried to partner with them, made zero friends, gave everything away, and then divested that pesky "it makes money" part of their business to Mirantis.
They're poised for a comeback any day!
They're poised for a comeback any day!
$100 to roast @Intel, but it's hard. I mean, if I promise my customers a deliverable in six weeks and then mess around for eighteen months instead, they'd fire me. Instead they get top-tier sponsor rights at all of the conferences.
Don't worry though. I'm sure this ARM thing is just a passing fad, and those pesky kids at AMD have no clue what they're doing.
This is a LOT of money, so we're going to beat the crap out of @taboola for a few tweets by request.
Taboola remains the best way to take a giant steaming shit all over your brand.
Taboola remains the best way to take a giant steaming shit all over your brand.
Why sell regular ads, when you can instead promote clickbait that's not only compelling, but also suspicious and frightening? @taboola has your back!
Witness the devastation of such brands like @NBCNews, @Honda, @SonyPictures and more as they find their brands advertised with compelling value props such as "you won't believe which celeb flashed their tits!" style drek.
Remember, readers have a choice when determining where to go. Partner with @taboola so they remain aware that you have absolutely no respect for them whatsoever.
$100 for @ServiceNow, whose tagline reads "letting employees work the way they want to."
Strangely I've never yet met a single employee who would voluntarily choose to work with ServiceNow.
"...the way they want to, or else be hurled out of the building via the window."
Strangely I've never yet met a single employee who would voluntarily choose to work with ServiceNow.
"...the way they want to, or else be hurled out of the building via the window."
Graviton2 is held up as a giant win because they cost less money than x86 chips. "We pass the savings onto our customers" is indistinguishable from "it was an expensive disaster but we'll discount them so it looks like success" from the outside.
Here we go again.
The Duckbill Group came out of my blending my ongoing love affair with the sound of my own voice with @mike_julian's intense and abiding love affair with @msexcel. Then we gave him budget, he found @tableau, now every problem looks like an enterprise deal.
The Duckbill Group came out of my blending my ongoing love affair with the sound of my own voice with @mike_julian's intense and abiding love affair with @msexcel. Then we gave him budget, he found @tableau, now every problem looks like an enterprise deal.
What most people think of as "my superpower" is a particular manifestation of an intense level of ADHD that's held me back for most of my life.
$100 for Google Spanner!
CAP theorem can apparently be ignored if only you're somehow condescending enough in the whitepaper.
CAP theorem can apparently be ignored if only you're somehow condescending enough in the whitepaper.
(@MongoDB also ignores CAP theorem but uh... differently.)
$100 for @awscloud Enterprise Support. I don't see how you could possibly find anything to complain about for a service that charges you a minimum of $15K a month to respond to everything you ask them with "open a ticket in the web console."
Like most things coming out of @Facebook these days, GraphQL is teetering on the edge of a war crime.
"Be smarter!" "Wrech your understanding of how APIs work!" "Bad results return 200s!" It's the stuff of madness.
"Be smarter!" "Wrech your understanding of how APIs work!" "Bad results return 200s!" It's the stuff of madness.
Another $103 for @Facebook!
I once did an onsite interview with them in 2009. I failed to receive an offer, presumably for not rifling through the receptionist's desk while their back was turned. True story.
I once did an onsite interview with them in 2009. I failed to receive an offer, presumably for not rifling through the receptionist's desk while their back was turned. True story.
Ooh, @github gets a turn.
Buying them for $8 billion or so for the reputational benefit was a bold move. Then having them double down on their support for ICE under the theory "some people are pro-kids-in-cages" is the dumbest self-inflicted PR disaster I can think of.
Buying them for $8 billion or so for the reputational benefit was a bold move. Then having them double down on their support for ICE under the theory "some people are pro-kids-in-cages" is the dumbest self-inflicted PR disaster I can think of.
I'm serious, their CEO can't even tweet about freaking *WAFFLES* at this point without getting harrangued over this issue.
As he should be. It's monstrous.
As he should be. It's monstrous.
A $100 donation requesting snark about @circlCI, which is tough. I mean, how do you possibly make fun of a company that raised a quarter billion to compete with Jenkins, but still finds itself described as "Jenkins as a service" by their own sales team?
No, @StackOverflow is a serious and compelling company that will find itself completely out of business as soon as a major browser vendor breaks copy and paste functionality.
We pause here with a reminder that #BlackLivesMatter, and a further reminder that:
"We make JIRA."
"What's Jira?"
"It's like post-it notes for a compute if they were super heavy, couldn't be easily removed, and marked the walls up permanently."
"...no thanks, we'll use Trello" and then the rat smugglers at @atlassian bought them too.
"What's Jira?"
"It's like post-it notes for a compute if they were super heavy, couldn't be easily removed, and marked the walls up permanently."
"...no thanks, we'll use Trello" and then the rat smugglers at @atlassian bought them too.
Ah, @microsoft, the home of the "Windows workloads cost 5x more on @awscloud" without mentioning that it's their license restrictions that make it so.
A weasel doesn't change its stripes.
A weasel doesn't change its stripes.
A $260 donation to dunk on @CloudFlare, the company who was "pro free-speech" which they interpreted to mean "shielding racists and nazis" until twelve days before they filed to go public, in which case "free speech" gave way to "we want to sell this to the market."
Their security and availability issues pale next to "free accounts get certificates also approved for frightening and profoundly adult domains to serve as an incentive to upgrade." There's a reason most large companies fail to take them seriously as a CDN.
Oof, @jpaulreed and @perforce in one tweet. That's their entire addressable market; he's almost certainly deep cover agent to convert Netflix to Perforce across the board. Unfortunately he's checked out for the night so nobody else can work.
Another $103 for @Facebook. That's an arguably cheap donation, so I'll take a definitely cheap shot: Mark Zuckerberg is 5'7" and *HATES IT*. He's been known to travel with a photo crew that goes out of their way to make him appear taller.
To wit:
To wit:
I’m just saying, maybe a guy who’s 6’1” wouldn’t have felt compelled to build a website to rate how hot his classmates were and we’d all live in a better world for it.
And now I pause for sleep. We continue with the dawn! #BlackLivesMatter
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