Thread by @dustychipura

Ok clearly I have a lot of time this Monday morning so let's talk about my all time fave #ADHD topic:

Black and White thinking

Or call it 'All Or Nothing' thinking, whatever you like. What it ultimately boils down to is BINARY thinking. This fucks up ADHDers in all kinda ways

Perfectionism/procrastination: "if I can't do it exactly right, I can't do it at all"

"If I can't finish the entire task, I won't start"

Time management: now or not now is an example of binary thinking. Everything for us is either RIGHT NOW or NOT RIGHT NOW (and let's be honest, not right now is never. It's a shadowy land that doesn't really exist)

It affects our friendships and the internal 'rules' we make about what a good friend is or isnt. I sometimes see this leading to codependency: "I'm a good friend so I always help my friend no matter what they need"

This doesn't leave a lot of room for critical analysis in a relationship and can open ADHDers up to bad treatment because we dont assess and adjust our relationships. They just are either THIS WAY or THAT WAY. Like, "hes my brother therefore WE MUST GET ALONG" or "WE DON'T SPEAK"

Black and white thinking, binary thinking, is so pervasive in the way the ADHD brain is wired, that it kinda comes in to everything. This is why I always ask clients "is there a third option?"

It especially impacts how we see ourselves and the need to judge ourselves as either GOOD or BAD. As people with real big hearts and a strong sense of justice a lot of us are always striving to reach "GOOD PERSONHOOD" and coming up short on our own measurements.

So I see people being really hard on themselves because they dont realize they can take a more nuanced approach to how they see themselves. This is where self-compassion really helps. I see ADHDers blowing off this advice a lot. We all hear it but we don't *get* it

How is self compassion supposed to help me get my room clean and my paper in on time? You might ask.

If I'm kind to myself I wont push myself enough and I'll totally fail even more than I'm failing now! - said almost all of my clients when they came to coaching

Or, you may have tried self compassion and it didnt feel authentic, it felt hollow. So you gave up.

Self compassion is the emotional equivalent of the gradient between black and white.

You can forgive yourself and acknowledge that you tried at something you failed, while ALSO recommitting to doing better next time. You can make space for letting yourself be imperfect while recognizing you do a LOT of good even if you're not a perfect person.

I hear you secretly rolling your eyes at me, thinking that self-compassion is some kind of pop-psych snake oil. But let me ask you this;

How is the alternative working for you?

When was the last time being super hard on yourself or beating yourself up helped you actually get things done better? Is it helping you BE better, long term? Or does the resolve wear off as soon as the self-guilt is forgotten?

Okay well I started out talking about black and white thinking and I ended up somewhere else kinda, but you get it!

Ask yourself what the third choice is.
Ask yourself what just doing a bit of a task and then stopping would look like.
Find the space between all or nothing.

PERFECTION IS THE ENEMY OF GOOD!