Today, I participated in a med school's day on mental illness. I found myself indescribably moved hearing another panelist's story abt her sister who died by suicide. "Some people ask me if I am angry at my sister...How could I ever be? I'm sad that she suffered so much" A THREAD
Suicide is highly personal and very sensitive. The darkest moment in my life was the day I decided to kill myself 5 years ago. That day, I entered a horrible spiral of hating myself becuz I was going to hurt everyone I loved. Hating myself only made me want to kill myself more.
I made it through that suicide attempt but I hated myself for being willing to hurt everyone I loved. Coming back from that suicide attempt was the hardest thing that I'd ever done in my life. My depression was actually worse after surviving: my body was alive, my soul was not.
I went to go live with my sisters who fortunately had both moved to California. For the first time, the saw the black hole that my depression was. They poured themselves endlessly into me and nothing changed. I cried and cried and cried.
I got angry. I went to medical school (the only thing that made me feel better) and I came back and resumed my crying. I watched as my depression took away my sisters' hope. Mine was gone long ago.
Imperceptibly, I got better and one day I wasn't depressed. This began a period of almost four years without being depressed (an unbelievable length of time given my history). Fast forward to intern year and I once again became depressed and suicidal.
I had a conversation with my sister where I told her I was sad my niece wouldn't remember me if I killed myself. She asked me "Do you think I would ever let her forget you?" As I listened to my co-presenter talk about the love she had for her sister, I felt overwhelmed.
If things had played out slightly differently my sisters would have been in the same place as my co-presenter. As counterintuitive as it may seem, my sister forgiving me for potentially killing myself actually grounded me in a beautiful, indescribable way.
No longer can I hate myself for one day hurting her. She would be hurt of course, but more than anything, she wants me to not suffer. She relieved me of the pressure to live for her. I used to try to live for other people but at some point that stopped working for me.
My family knows the darkness of my depressions & they don't want me to suffer. A suicide is like a grenade, destroying everyone nearby. Still, my co-panelist forgave her sister. But by forgiving those who die by suicide or those who attempt, we lift a huge burden of their back
I was honored to hear her words & see her strength. I had to share my response with the twitter world. I began to cry briskly as I sat on the zoom panel in front of 100ppl. I contemplated turning off my camera, but that would not have honored the gift my co-panelist gave me.
Thank you co-panelist.
#docswithdisabilities
#blackmeninmedicine
#gaymedtwitter
#suicide
#endthestigma
#depression
#docswithdisabilities
#blackmeninmedicine
#gaymedtwitter
#suicide
#endthestigma
#depression
Also, just to say, if you are angry at someone for dying by suicide, you are TOTALLY allowed to have those feelings. I just want you to know that in order for your loved one to leave you, they were suffering something so indescribable that dying was their only option.
