Here's what I know about Die Hard:
1) It has the bald car man in it.
2) It's apparently a christmas movie (??)
3) There's death and / or hardness (???)
4) I think this is the movie where there's lots of driving and-
4) I think bald car man is Jason Statham (who's name is not said stat-ham, which i know bcs my dad lost his shit when i said 'look that's jason stat-ham' when he was on a bus, except it wasn't it was another bald man and it's not stat-ham)
I'm hoping, as always, it's an alien, mummy, spider-free film, but I've learned never to let your guard down.
i have no idea pals.
god please don't let this be another keanu reeves... i'm looking for baby bruce??? maybe?
HERE WE GO
also I admire Holly turning down that annoying dude
ALSO I'M VERY WORRIED WHENEVER A MOM SAYS TO THEIR CHILD THEY'LL BE HOME SOON... X TO DOUBT...
is this man jason or bruce? is jason in this one?! this man has hair, but i feel like there's 4 identical bald men and i know statham is one, i thought bruce was one, as well as... the car man-
the front-loaded credits did not say jason statham and now i am officially worried
He is ON IT lmao "you didn't think she'd make it so you didn't pack LOL"
"so, uh, if it doesn't work out.... do you need a place to stay?" smoooooth
YES girl you make him come crawling back, you're a big boss and he's a lil cop boy YOU MAKE HIM WORK YOU OWN YOUR NAME
I FEEL LIKE I WAS PROMISED CARS AND ACTION AND JASON STATHAM AND CONFUSINGLY ALSO CHRISTMAS MAYBE
i am getting bi vibes from EVERYONE right now is the miracle of christmas in this movie they're all bi???
THIS IS LIKE MY FIRST YEAR HOUSEMATE WHO SNORTED COKE OF MY BOOKSHELF WHILE I TIREDLY TOLD HIM TO AT LEAST PUT A PLATE DOWN, LIKE JEEZ, MATT
is this movie just now a re-kindling of old lust or something because i don't want to watch 2 hours of people relearning how to bang or something
god i hope when someone said this was an 'action' movie they didn't mean ;) action
okay well he knows there's a problem (him) so there's hope for him fixing it (himself)
John is making toe-fists and looking mournfully at the pictures of his kids
and shit is KICKING OFF downstairs
BECAUSE I HAVE SEEN THE 5TH ELEMENT AND BRUCE WILLIS IS IN THAT AND HE WEARS A WHITE TANK TOP IN THAT AND IS THIS KIND OF CHARACTER
Mr Takagi has done very well for himself huh well done pal hope it doesn't all end here for you
but also there's just a lot of bi vibes going around here
"Yeah? Why not?"
FILED UNDER: LINES WHICH HIT VERY DIFFERENTLY IN 2020 BECAUSE EVEN IN 1988 WE KNEW THIS WAS THE SITUATION HUH
YOU'RE NOT EVEN A GOOD BAD COP
LMAOOOOOOOOOO OH MY GOD DUDE
snarky lil asshole
I'M WORRIED FOR THIS GUY WHO WAS BUYING SNACKS
OH MY GOD DKJDSJKJS REALLY??? THIS IS THE FILM IT'S FROM??!?!?
LMFAOOOOOO OH MY GOD!!!!!
HOLY SHIT DKJDKJSDKJSSD
"Thank you Mr Cowboy I'll take it under advisement. Hit it again."
69/- #YubiViews (OOPS! UH OH!)
Al you have known John for like, 30 minutes my dude.
OH WAIT IT'S ALREADY THIS MOVIE
ALSO WHAT DOES "YOU'LL HAVE TO BRING THE ICE CREAM" MEAN, AL???
(also, note the importance of commas even in subtitles LMAO)
john and al are talking THROUGH their shit
i am DELIGHTED
JOHN YOU GODDAMN--
GOD THIS IS SOME STORMTROOPER LEVEL SHOOTING HAPPENING HERE THOUGH
oh no johns lil feetsies
PRETTY EASY TO TRACK BLOODY FOOTPRINTS HUH
SHE IS THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO A BUM LIKE YOU
not actually complaining
FUCKIN LOVE THIS GUY TBH
GOD I RESCIND MY PREVIOUS COMMENTS ABOUT 'ACTION' IN THIS FILM
TOO MUCH ACTION NOW STOP THE ACTION I NEED TO BREATHE PLEASE
OKAY HOLLY AND JOHN NO SMOOCHING
PLEASE GOD DON'T LET THIS BE THE HARD BIT
Al: -Nods and smiles-
EXCUSE ME THIS IS THE MOST ROMANTIC THING I'VE SEEN IN MY LIFE
EXCUSE ME PLEASE TELL ME MOVIE TWO IS DIE HARD 2 EVEN HARDER OR SOMETHING AND IT'S JUST THESE TWO GUYS BEING EVEN MORE GAY
WHERE'S. THE. FIC.
okay powell shooting carl does not undo your backstory of shooting a kid but by god i thought you were about to die there
HANS WAS ALAN RICKMAN?!
FUCK I FORGOT TO LOOK OUT FOR HIM I WAS SO FOCUSED ON JASON!
OKAY THIS MOVIE WAS INCREDIBLY GOOD ACTUALLY. Surprisingly gay, VERY action, MUCH christmas. 10/10. THANK YOU FOR JOINING ME!
the mysteries never cease