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ALREETY MY PALS! It's time for #YubiViews and Die Hard!

Here's what I know about Die Hard:

1) It has the bald car man in it.
2) It's apparently a christmas movie (??)
3) There's death and / or hardness (???)
4) I think this is the movie where there's lots of driving and-

1/-
explosions??? I think?
4) I think bald car man is Jason Statham (who's name is not said stat-ham, which i know bcs my dad lost his shit when i said 'look that's jason stat-ham' when he was on a bus, except it wasn't it was another bald man and it's not stat-ham)

2/- #YubiViews
5) This movie is WAY OLDER than I thought the listing says 1988?! Is that right!? is this the right movie?! I was sure it was like, 2000s?!

I'm hoping, as always, it's an alien, mummy, spider-free film, but I've learned never to let your guard down.

3/- #YubiViews
As for what happens, I think a man drives around, maybe he's hard? maybe he also dies at some point? maybe death is an illusion because I'm pretty sure there's more of these films, and i guess santa is here? is he delivering presents?

i have no idea pals.

4/- #YubiViews
oh shit apparently bruce willis is in this too??? okay well i guess i'll look out for bruce willis and jason statham i'm.... i think i know what bruce willis looks like...

god please don't let this be another keanu reeves... i'm looking for baby bruce??? maybe?

5/- #YubiViews
oh the halcyon days of bringing pistols onto airplanes... also "it's ok i'm a cop" is not the reassurance you may think it is...

HERE WE GO

6/- #YubiViews Title card for Die Hard.
oh my god and SMOKING while carring a scarily correct teddy bear and holy shit alan rickman is apparently in this too oh NO oh god i think i'll maybe know his voice???? maybe??? WAS THE HARPY PORTER VOICE HIS REAL ONE IDK

7/- #YubiViews
jesus this movie is OLD what fuckin movie did i think this was???

also I admire Holly turning down that annoying dude

ALSO I'M VERY WORRIED WHENEVER A MOM SAYS TO THEIR CHILD THEY'LL BE HOME SOON... X TO DOUBT...

8/- #YubiViews
this is either jason statham or maybe the man from the plane?

is this man jason or bruce? is jason in this one?! this man has hair, but i feel like there's 4 identical bald men and i know statham is one, i thought bruce was one, as well as... the car man-

9/- #YubiViews A framed photo of a man, a woman, and two kids.
who's name is Car Car-part... Van Diesel? And... someone else

the front-loaded credits did not say jason statham and now i am officially worried

10/- #YubiViews
VHS LMAOOOOOOOOOO

GOD THAT'S VERY FUN

11/- #YubiViews The limo driver pointing out the VHS capabilities to John.
Argyle is my favourite already

He is ON IT lmao "you didn't think she'd make it so you didn't pack LOL"

12/- #YubiViews
I think Argyle is bi also and definitely flirting with John... Mc... mccc... mclaine........ John, we'll stick with John.

Anyway yeah

"so, uh, if it doesn't work out.... do you need a place to stay?" smoooooth

13/- #YubiViews
OH HOLLY IS USING HER LAST NAME

YES girl you make him come crawling back, you're a big boss and he's a lil cop boy YOU MAKE HIM WORK YOU OWN YOUR NAME

14/- #YubiViews
also i'm going to be so mad at you all if this is some cheesy romance christmas movie like "shE'S A BIG TOWN LAYWER, he'S A SAD COP. THIS CHRISTMAS..." type thing

I FEEL LIKE I WAS PROMISED CARS AND ACTION AND JASON STATHAM AND CONFUSINGLY ALSO CHRISTMAS MAYBE

15/- #YubiViews
HEY TRY NOT TO LOOK TOO PLEASED AT BEING SMOOCHED THERE JOHN

i am getting bi vibes from EVERYONE right now is the miracle of christmas in this movie they're all bi???

16/- #YubiViews A business man giving John an intimate smooth on the cheek wJohn half grinning after him.
LMAO WHO WAS THE MAN SNORTING COKE OFF HOLLY'S DESK

THIS IS LIKE MY FIRST YEAR HOUSEMATE WHO SNORTED COKE OF MY BOOKSHELF WHILE I TIREDLY TOLD HIM TO AT LEAST PUT A PLATE DOWN, LIKE JEEZ, MATT

17/- #YubiViews
Eyyy! They've met up!

is this movie just now a re-kindling of old lust or something because i don't want to watch 2 hours of people relearning how to bang or something

18/- #YubiViews
okay john sit the fuck down pal don't be picking fights over her name you already did this in july, if you don't watch yourself you'll be on Argyle's couch for real my dude

god i hope when someone said this was an 'action' movie they didn't mean ;) action

19/- #YubiViews
"Good job, John. Very mature."

okay well he knows there's a problem (him) so there's hope for him fixing it (himself)

20/- #YubiViews
hey are a reminder, Black lives still matter, even after the trending has stopped. Help out!

blacklivesmatters.carrd.co
AW YEAH HERE COME THE CARS IS JASON STATHAM IN ONE OF THESE BAD BOYS

21/- #YubiViews A car and a truck driving fast.
OH NO THE SWEDES ARE HERE

22/- #YubiViews A blonde man shooting the receptionist.
oh god there's a lot of ominous men suddenly what's going on

23/- #YubiViews
i adore this hacker man

24/- #YubiViews A black man in a turtleneck and round glasses, hacking the t
oh the blonde guy is German, my apologies

John is making toe-fists and looking mournfully at the pictures of his kids

and shit is KICKING OFF downstairs

merry christmas

25/- #YubiViews
ARGYLE IS BACK for a second BUT STILL WE APPRECIATE HIM

26/- #YubiViews
WAIT HOLD ON I THINK THIS IS BRUCE WILLIS

BECAUSE I HAVE SEEN THE 5TH ELEMENT AND BRUCE WILLIS IS IN THAT AND HE WEARS A WHITE TANK TOP IN THAT AND IS THIS KIND OF CHARACTER

27/- #YubiViews John who is maybe Bruce Willis.
this guy is clearly the biggest baddy right

28/- #YubiViews A white man in a suit and tie holding up his hands for quiet
I thought he was about to start preaching bible verses lmao but apparently he was just checking his notes???

Mr Takagi has done very well for himself huh well done pal hope it doesn't all end here for you

29/- #YubiViews
oh SHIT we got guided missiles in a box!? uh oh! uh oh!!!

30/- #YubiViews
i do like this slightly camp villain who likes to make models and talk about suits

31/- #YubiViews
remember when $640-mil meant something

that's goddamn loose change now huh

32/- #YubiViews
okay i know when he said "it's a very nice suit, Mr Takagi, it would be a shame to ruin it" he's talking about like, with blood

but also there's just a lot of bi vibes going around here

33/- #YubiViews
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

MR TAKAGI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

34/- #YubiViews
i'm upset they gave most of the baddies the same long blonde hair i cannot tell which one is which anymore

35/- #YubiViews
whAT the FUCK does THAT mean, jOHN????

36/- #YubiViews John looking at the approaching fire trucks and saying "
"You won't hurt me."
"Yeah? Why not?"

FILED UNDER: LINES WHICH HIT VERY DIFFERENTLY IN 2020 BECAUSE EVEN IN 1988 WE KNEW THIS WAS THE SITUATION HUH

37/- #YubiViews A blonde man saying "there are rules for policemen.&quoJohn grinning and saying "yeah that's what my captain k
JOHN JUST PUT HIS OWN HEAD THROUGH THE WALL LIKE 4 TIMES NOT THE BLONDE GUY AND THEN THREW HIMSELF DOWN THE STAIRS TOO

GOD, JOHN

YOU'RE NOT EVEN A GOOD BAD COP

38/- #YubiViews
love the pan to a santa model to remind us it's christmas lmaoooooo

39/- #YubiViews
"Mr Takagi will not be joining us. For the rest of his life."

LMAOOOOOOOOOO OH MY GOD DUDE

40/- #YubiViews
"We have left nothing to chance."

ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT

41/- #YubiViews The dead man from before with a santa hat and "now I ha
John you're very sweaty and above a grate right now

just like

be careful

42/- #YubiViews
oh god i'm so glad he got off the top of the elevator i was getting so anxious about him getting crushed dfkjdkfjdkjf

43/- #YubiViews
GOD THERE'S A LOT HAPPENIGN RIGHT NOW

44/- #YubiViews John pulling a scared face.
OH GOD THIS IS TENSE AF

45/- #YubiViews John climing down a shaft with nothing to stop him plummetin
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK

46/- #YubiViews John falling.
he's ok

47/- #YubiViews John in a vent with a lighter, peering at the camera.
oh my god his vest is now filthy and i genuinely didn't recognise him for a minute there jDFkjdfkjfdkjdfkj OOPS

48/- #YubiViews John from behind, white top now black with dirt.
John's panicking babbling at himself is very good and i love it lmaoooooo

snarky lil asshole

49/- #YubiViews
YOUR WIFE IS PREGNANT MAN GO HOME DON'T GET KILLED IN HERE

I'M WORRIED FOR THIS GUY WHO WAS BUYING SNACKS

50/- #YubiViews
"thanks for the advice" fkjdfkj jOHN

51/- #YubiViews
ARGYLE WHAT ARE YOU DOING

52/- #YubiViews Argyle laughing on the phone.
I'M G-G-G-G-GETTIN' BI. I'M GETTING BI.

53/- #YubiViews John saying he liked those sequined shirts.
this ship may be wrong

but it feels so right

54/- #YubiViews Bad guy saying "do you really think you have a chance a
YIPPEE-KI-YAY MOTHERFUCKER IS FROM DIE HARD!?!?!?

OH MY GOD DKJDSJKJS REALLY??? THIS IS THE FILM IT'S FROM??!?!?

LMFAOOOOOO OH MY GOD!!!!!

55/- #YubiViews John saying 'yippie-ki-yay motherfucker'.
GOD I HOPE IT'S "DIE" OR "HARD"

56/- #YubiViews John saying "call me..."
roy ok lmao

57/- #YubiViews
HOLLY IS HERE TO KICK BUTT AND NEGOTIATE WITH THE BIG BAD WHO'S NAME IS MAYBE HANS OR MAYBE JOHN JUST CALLED HIM THAT

58/- #YubiViews
oh no argyle NOW YOU'RE GETTING IT HUH

59/- #YubiViews Argyle hearing the news about the Nakatomi plaza.
I AM GENUINELY LOSING TRACK OF SHIPS IN THIS FILM

JOHN!!! PLEASE!!!!

60/- John asking Powell over the radio "you still with me ba
THIS FBI GUY IS A HUGE FUCKING MOULDERING TURNIP DICKO

61/- #YubiViews
LMFAO I LOVE THE GUY REACHING FOR CHOCOLATE FROM THE CONFECTION BOOTH LIKE

YEAH

SAME DUDE

62/- #YubiViews
THEY FUCKING MISSILE SHOT THE RV

HOLY SHIT DKJDKJSDKJSSD

"Thank you Mr Cowboy I'll take it under advisement. Hit it again."

DKJDKJDKJDF

63/- #YubiViews
Geronimo, motherfucker!

64/- #YubiViews
uh oh john

65/- #YubiViews The bag blowing up at the ground floor of the building where
Uh Oh John!!!

66/- #YubiViews A bigger explosion.
UH OH JOHN

67/- #YubiViews Fire coming up the shaft John dropped the bag down.
UH OH JOHN!!!!!!!!!! UH OH!!!!

68/- #YubiViews John saying "oh shit!"
JOHN!!!!!!!! UH OH!!!! UH OH JOHN!!! OOPS!!! OOPS!! UH OH!!! OH NO!!! OOPS!!

69/- #YubiViews (OOPS! UH OH!) John going ass over tits as a big explosion hits.
HELL yeah we will NOT speak to the manager in this house Dwayne can FUCK OFF we will ONLY speak to our NEW BOYFRIEND AL

70/- #YubiViews
i'm beginning to think the 'hard' in 'die hard' might not just be a metaphor

Al you have known John for like, 30 minutes my dude.

71/- #YubiViews Al saying "Hey look. I love you."
PLEASE TELL ME SOMEONE'S DONE A SUPER CUT OF THIS MOVIE WHERE IT'S JUST JOHN BEING INCREDIBLY HOMOEROTIC IN BETWEEN ACTION SCENES

OH WAIT IT'S ALREADY THIS MOVIE

72/- #YubiViews
okay please kill eliot or w/e this racist shit-bag's name is

73/- #YubiViews
I'M VERY HERE FOR AL AND JOHN'S RADIO PILLOW-TALK

ALSO WHAT DOES "YOU'LL HAVE TO BRING THE ICE CREAM" MEAN, AL???

74/- #YubiViews Al saying 'well now that's a date'.
even hans knows what's up

(also, note the importance of commas even in subtitles LMAO)

75/- #YubiViews Hans saying "Touching, cowboy. Touching." Over the
Elis you will not be missed

but at least he didn't tell him about holly i guess

76/- #YubiViews
POWELL IS THE ONLY GOOD COP HERE BECAUSE HE'S NOT ACTING LIKE A COP SEND TWEET

77/- #YubiViews
oh my god i am so into these two men supporting and loving each other

john and al are talking THROUGH their shit

i am DELIGHTED

78/- #YubiViews
LMAOOOOOOOOOO THIS JUST SUMS IT UP HUH

79/- #YubiViews Dwayne being told the FBI is here while Al rests his chin on
UH OH HANS

80/- #YubiViews Hans on the ground, John pointing a gun at him.
OH SHIT HE CHANGED HIS ACCENT AND NOW JOHN THINKS HE'S NOT HANS KJDKJFDKJF

JOHN YOU GODDAMN--

81/- #YubiViews
HE'S JUST HANDING OVER A GUN

MY GOD JOHN

MY GOD

82/- #YubiViews
OH HO HO

83/- #YubiViews John saying "you oughta be on fucking TV with that acce
THERE WERE NO BULLETS

GOD THIS IS SOME STORMTROOPER LEVEL SHOOTING HAPPENING HERE THOUGH

84/- #YubiVIews
"SHOOT THE GLASS"

oh no johns lil feetsies

PRETTY EASY TO TRACK BLOODY FOOTPRINTS HUH

85/- #YubiViews
OH GOD HIS POOR FEET OW

86/- #YubiViews
oh my god al what the fuck

87/- #YubiViews
OH GOD THE FBI OPENED THE VAULT LMAO

IT'S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE

88/- #YubiViews
YES JOHN CONFESS WHAT A SHITTY HUSBAND YOU WERE TO HOLLY

SHE IS THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO A BUM LIKE YOU

BE! BETTER!

89/- #YubiViews
WOW WHAT A FUCKING GARBAGE HUMAN

90/- #YubiViews The reporter man threatening Pauline and saying it's the las
john has been slowly stripping this whole movie and honestly

not actually complaining

91/- #YubiViews
UH OH THE BROTHER FOUND JOHN

UH OH

WE'VE DONE THE HARD

IS THIS THE DIE?

92/- #YubiViews
OH FUCK NO OH NO

DON'T KILL HOLLY, HANS

BAD JOURNALISM KILLS PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!

93/- #YubiViews
THE MORAL OF THIS MOVIE SEEMS TO BE ACAB TBH

94/- #YubiViews
"I am an exceptional thief, Mrs McClane, and since I'm moving up to kidnapping you should be more polite."

FUCKIN LOVE THIS GUY TBH

95/- #YubiViews
STRESSED ABOUT THIS ROOF SITUATION TBH

96/- #YubiViews
'CAUSE YOU WENT ROGUE MY DUDE

THAT'S WHY

97/- #YubiViews John asking himself how the fuck he got into this shit.
JESUS CHRIST JOHN THAT TATAMI WAS NEARLY YOUR DOWNFALL MY DUDE

GOD I RESCIND MY PREVIOUS COMMENTS ABOUT 'ACTION' IN THIS FILM

TOO MUCH ACTION NOW STOP THE ACTION I NEED TO BREATHE PLEASE

98/- #YubiViews
YES ARGYLE LMAO MAN OF THE HOUR

99/- #YubiViews Argyle pleased after knocking out the hacker guy.
"haaAAAAANS! I'm vERY TIRED NOW. I've loST A LOT OF BLOOD. i'VE FALLEN DOWN SO MANY TALL THINGS. hAAAAANS."

100/- #YubiViews
HANS SAYING YIPPIE-KI-YAY MOTHERFUCKER IS VERY GOOD

101/- #YubiViews
UH OH

OH NO

UH OH!!!!!!!!!!

102/- #YubiViews Hans hanging from the window about to shoot.
YIKES THAT'S A BAD WAY TO GO

OKAY HOLLY AND JOHN NO SMOOCHING

PLEASE GOD DON'T LET THIS BE THE HARD BIT

103/- #YubiViews
John: -mouthing- Powell...
Al: -Nods and smiles-

EXCUSE ME THIS IS THE MOST ROMANTIC THING I'VE SEEN IN MY LIFE

104/- #YubiViews John mouthing 'Powell'.Powell smiling andn odding.
I'M NOT EVEN JOKING HE LOOKED AT POWELL WITH MORE LOVE THAN HE EVER LOOKED AT HOLLY WITH

EXCUSE ME PLEASE TELL ME MOVIE TWO IS DIE HARD 2 EVEN HARDER OR SOMETHING AND IT'S JUST THESE TWO GUYS BEING EVEN MORE GAY

105/- #YubiViews John and Al embracing.
YOU KNOW I'LL GO IN FOR OT4 AL CAN BRING HIS WIFE WE CAN HAVE THEM ALL IN A POLYAMORY LOVE NEST I'M VERY GOOD WITH THAT

WHERE'S. THE. FIC.

106/- #YubiViews
JESUS CHRIST CARL POPPED BACK UP LIKE A FUCKING ZOMBIE

107/- #YubiViews
GOD JESUS CHRIST

okay powell shooting carl does not undo your backstory of shooting a kid but by god i thought you were about to die there

108/- #YubiViews
ARGYLE IS BACK AND HOLLY JUST PUNCHED THE REPORTER IN THE FACE

LIFE IS GOOD

109/- #YubiViews
OH FUCK

HANS WAS ALAN RICKMAN?!

FUCK I FORGOT TO LOOK OUT FOR HIM I WAS SO FOCUSED ON JASON!

OKAY THIS MOVIE WAS INCREDIBLY GOOD ACTUALLY. Surprisingly gay, VERY action, MUCH christmas. 10/10. THANK YOU FOR JOINING ME!

110/110 #YubiViews

Picture of the rolling credits, showing Hans as Alan Rickman
what fucking movie did i think this was with jason statham though

the mysteries never cease
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