Thread by @uzbadyubi

ALREETY MY PALS! It's time for #YubiViews and Die Hard!

Here's what I know about Die Hard:

1) It has the bald car man in it.
2) It's apparently a christmas movie (??)
3) There's death and / or hardness (???)
4) I think this is the movie where there's lots of driving and-

1/-

explosions??? I think?
4) I think bald car man is Jason Statham (who's name is not said stat-ham, which i know bcs my dad lost his shit when i said 'look that's jason stat-ham' when he was on a bus, except it wasn't it was another bald man and it's not stat-ham)

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5) This movie is WAY OLDER than I thought the listing says 1988?! Is that right!? is this the right movie?! I was sure it was like, 2000s?!

I'm hoping, as always, it's an alien, mummy, spider-free film, but I've learned never to let your guard down.

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As for what happens, I think a man drives around, maybe he's hard? maybe he also dies at some point? maybe death is an illusion because I'm pretty sure there's more of these films, and i guess santa is here? is he delivering presents?

i have no idea pals.

4/- #YubiViews

oh shit apparently bruce willis is in this too??? okay well i guess i'll look out for bruce willis and jason statham i'm.... i think i know what bruce willis looks like...

god please don't let this be another keanu reeves... i'm looking for baby bruce??? maybe?

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oh the halcyon days of bringing pistols onto airplanes... also "it's ok i'm a cop" is not the reassurance you may think it is...

HERE WE GO

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oh my god and SMOKING while carring a scarily correct teddy bear and holy shit alan rickman is apparently in this too oh NO oh god i think i'll maybe know his voice???? maybe??? WAS THE HARPY PORTER VOICE HIS REAL ONE IDK

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jesus this movie is OLD what fuckin movie did i think this was???

also I admire Holly turning down that annoying dude

ALSO I'M VERY WORRIED WHENEVER A MOM SAYS TO THEIR CHILD THEY'LL BE HOME SOON... X TO DOUBT...

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this is either jason statham or maybe the man from the plane?

is this man jason or bruce? is jason in this one?! this man has hair, but i feel like there's 4 identical bald men and i know statham is one, i thought bruce was one, as well as... the car man-

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who's name is Car Car-part... Van Diesel? And... someone else

the front-loaded credits did not say jason statham and now i am officially worried

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VHS LMAOOOOOOOOOO

GOD THAT'S VERY FUN

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Argyle is my favourite already

He is ON IT lmao "you didn't think she'd make it so you didn't pack LOL"

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I think Argyle is bi also and definitely flirting with John... Mc... mccc... mclaine........ John, we'll stick with John.

Anyway yeah

"so, uh, if it doesn't work out.... do you need a place to stay?" smoooooth

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OH HOLLY IS USING HER LAST NAME

YES girl you make him come crawling back, you're a big boss and he's a lil cop boy YOU MAKE HIM WORK YOU OWN YOUR NAME

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also i'm going to be so mad at you all if this is some cheesy romance christmas movie like "shE'S A BIG TOWN LAYWER, he'S A SAD COP. THIS CHRISTMAS..." type thing

I FEEL LIKE I WAS PROMISED CARS AND ACTION AND JASON STATHAM AND CONFUSINGLY ALSO CHRISTMAS MAYBE

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HEY TRY NOT TO LOOK TOO PLEASED AT BEING SMOOCHED THERE JOHN

i am getting bi vibes from EVERYONE right now is the miracle of christmas in this movie they're all bi???

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LMAO WHO WAS THE MAN SNORTING COKE OFF HOLLY'S DESK

THIS IS LIKE MY FIRST YEAR HOUSEMATE WHO SNORTED COKE OF MY BOOKSHELF WHILE I TIREDLY TOLD HIM TO AT LEAST PUT A PLATE DOWN, LIKE JEEZ, MATT

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Eyyy! They've met up!

is this movie just now a re-kindling of old lust or something because i don't want to watch 2 hours of people relearning how to bang or something

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okay john sit the fuck down pal don't be picking fights over her name you already did this in july, if you don't watch yourself you'll be on Argyle's couch for real my dude

god i hope when someone said this was an 'action' movie they didn't mean ;) action

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"Good job, John. Very mature."

okay well he knows there's a problem (him) so there's hope for him fixing it (himself)

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hey are a reminder, Black lives still matter, even after the trending has stopped. Help out!

blacklivesmatters.carrd.co

AW YEAH HERE COME THE CARS IS JASON STATHAM IN ONE OF THESE BAD BOYS

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OH NO THE SWEDES ARE HERE

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oh god there's a lot of ominous men suddenly what's going on

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i adore this hacker man

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oh the blonde guy is German, my apologies

John is making toe-fists and looking mournfully at the pictures of his kids

and shit is KICKING OFF downstairs

merry christmas

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ARGYLE IS BACK for a second BUT STILL WE APPRECIATE HIM

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WAIT HOLD ON I THINK THIS IS BRUCE WILLIS

BECAUSE I HAVE SEEN THE 5TH ELEMENT AND BRUCE WILLIS IS IN THAT AND HE WEARS A WHITE TANK TOP IN THAT AND IS THIS KIND OF CHARACTER

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this guy is clearly the biggest baddy right

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I thought he was about to start preaching bible verses lmao but apparently he was just checking his notes???

Mr Takagi has done very well for himself huh well done pal hope it doesn't all end here for you

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oh SHIT we got guided missiles in a box!? uh oh! uh oh!!!

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i do like this slightly camp villain who likes to make models and talk about suits

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remember when $640-mil meant something

that's goddamn loose change now huh

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okay i know when he said "it's a very nice suit, Mr Takagi, it would be a shame to ruin it" he's talking about like, with blood

but also there's just a lot of bi vibes going around here

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NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

MR TAKAGI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

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i'm upset they gave most of the baddies the same long blonde hair i cannot tell which one is which anymore

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whAT the FUCK does THAT mean, jOHN????

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"You won't hurt me."
"Yeah? Why not?"

FILED UNDER: LINES WHICH HIT VERY DIFFERENTLY IN 2020 BECAUSE EVEN IN 1988 WE KNEW THIS WAS THE SITUATION HUH

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JOHN JUST PUT HIS OWN HEAD THROUGH THE WALL LIKE 4 TIMES NOT THE BLONDE GUY AND THEN THREW HIMSELF DOWN THE STAIRS TOO

GOD, JOHN

YOU'RE NOT EVEN A GOOD BAD COP

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love the pan to a santa model to remind us it's christmas lmaoooooo

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"Mr Takagi will not be joining us. For the rest of his life."

LMAOOOOOOOOOO OH MY GOD DUDE

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"We have left nothing to chance."

ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT

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John you're very sweaty and above a grate right now

just like

be careful

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oh god i'm so glad he got off the top of the elevator i was getting so anxious about him getting crushed dfkjdkfjdkjf

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GOD THERE'S A LOT HAPPENIGN RIGHT NOW

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OH GOD THIS IS TENSE AF

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FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK

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he's ok

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oh my god his vest is now filthy and i genuinely didn't recognise him for a minute there jDFkjdfkjfdkjdfkj OOPS

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John's panicking babbling at himself is very good and i love it lmaoooooo

snarky lil asshole

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YOUR WIFE IS PREGNANT MAN GO HOME DON'T GET KILLED IN HERE

I'M WORRIED FOR THIS GUY WHO WAS BUYING SNACKS

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"thanks for the advice" fkjdfkj jOHN

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ARGYLE WHAT ARE YOU DOING

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I'M G-G-G-G-GETTIN' BI. I'M GETTING BI.

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this ship may be wrong

but it feels so right

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YIPPEE-KI-YAY MOTHERFUCKER IS FROM DIE HARD!?!?!?

OH MY GOD DKJDSJKJS REALLY??? THIS IS THE FILM IT'S FROM??!?!?

LMFAOOOOOO OH MY GOD!!!!!

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GOD I HOPE IT'S "DIE" OR "HARD"

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roy ok lmao

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HOLLY IS HERE TO KICK BUTT AND NEGOTIATE WITH THE BIG BAD WHO'S NAME IS MAYBE HANS OR MAYBE JOHN JUST CALLED HIM THAT

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oh no argyle NOW YOU'RE GETTING IT HUH

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I AM GENUINELY LOSING TRACK OF SHIPS IN THIS FILM

JOHN!!! PLEASE!!!!

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THIS FBI GUY IS A HUGE FUCKING MOULDERING TURNIP DICKO

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LMFAO I LOVE THE GUY REACHING FOR CHOCOLATE FROM THE CONFECTION BOOTH LIKE

YEAH

SAME DUDE

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THEY FUCKING MISSILE SHOT THE RV

HOLY SHIT DKJDKJSDKJSSD

"Thank you Mr Cowboy I'll take it under advisement. Hit it again."

DKJDKJDKJDF

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Geronimo, motherfucker!

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uh oh john

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Uh Oh John!!!

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UH OH JOHN

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UH OH JOHN!!!!!!!!!! UH OH!!!!

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JOHN!!!!!!!! UH OH!!!! UH OH JOHN!!! OOPS!!! OOPS!! UH OH!!! OH NO!!! OOPS!!

69/- #YubiViews (OOPS! UH OH!)

HELL yeah we will NOT speak to the manager in this house Dwayne can FUCK OFF we will ONLY speak to our NEW BOYFRIEND AL

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i'm beginning to think the 'hard' in 'die hard' might not just be a metaphor

Al you have known John for like, 30 minutes my dude.

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PLEASE TELL ME SOMEONE'S DONE A SUPER CUT OF THIS MOVIE WHERE IT'S JUST JOHN BEING INCREDIBLY HOMOEROTIC IN BETWEEN ACTION SCENES

OH WAIT IT'S ALREADY THIS MOVIE

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okay please kill eliot or w/e this racist shit-bag's name is

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I'M VERY HERE FOR AL AND JOHN'S RADIO PILLOW-TALK

ALSO WHAT DOES "YOU'LL HAVE TO BRING THE ICE CREAM" MEAN, AL???

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even hans knows what's up

(also, note the importance of commas even in subtitles LMAO)

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Elis you will not be missed

but at least he didn't tell him about holly i guess

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POWELL IS THE ONLY GOOD COP HERE BECAUSE HE'S NOT ACTING LIKE A COP SEND TWEET

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oh my god i am so into these two men supporting and loving each other

john and al are talking THROUGH their shit

i am DELIGHTED

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LMAOOOOOOOOOO THIS JUST SUMS IT UP HUH

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UH OH HANS

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OH SHIT HE CHANGED HIS ACCENT AND NOW JOHN THINKS HE'S NOT HANS KJDKJFDKJF

JOHN YOU GODDAMN--

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HE'S JUST HANDING OVER A GUN

MY GOD JOHN

MY GOD

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OH HO HO

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THERE WERE NO BULLETS

GOD THIS IS SOME STORMTROOPER LEVEL SHOOTING HAPPENING HERE THOUGH

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"SHOOT THE GLASS"

oh no johns lil feetsies

PRETTY EASY TO TRACK BLOODY FOOTPRINTS HUH

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OH GOD HIS POOR FEET OW

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oh my god al what the fuck

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OH GOD THE FBI OPENED THE VAULT LMAO

IT'S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE

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YES JOHN CONFESS WHAT A SHITTY HUSBAND YOU WERE TO HOLLY

SHE IS THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO A BUM LIKE YOU

BE! BETTER!

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WOW WHAT A FUCKING GARBAGE HUMAN

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john has been slowly stripping this whole movie and honestly

not actually complaining

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UH OH THE BROTHER FOUND JOHN

UH OH

WE'VE DONE THE HARD

IS THIS THE DIE?

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OH FUCK NO OH NO

DON'T KILL HOLLY, HANS

BAD JOURNALISM KILLS PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!

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THE MORAL OF THIS MOVIE SEEMS TO BE ACAB TBH

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"I am an exceptional thief, Mrs McClane, and since I'm moving up to kidnapping you should be more polite."

FUCKIN LOVE THIS GUY TBH

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STRESSED ABOUT THIS ROOF SITUATION TBH

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'CAUSE YOU WENT ROGUE MY DUDE

THAT'S WHY

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JESUS CHRIST JOHN THAT TATAMI WAS NEARLY YOUR DOWNFALL MY DUDE

GOD I RESCIND MY PREVIOUS COMMENTS ABOUT 'ACTION' IN THIS FILM

TOO MUCH ACTION NOW STOP THE ACTION I NEED TO BREATHE PLEASE

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YES ARGYLE LMAO MAN OF THE HOUR

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"haaAAAAANS! I'm vERY TIRED NOW. I've loST A LOT OF BLOOD. i'VE FALLEN DOWN SO MANY TALL THINGS. hAAAAANS."

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HANS SAYING YIPPIE-KI-YAY MOTHERFUCKER IS VERY GOOD

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UH OH

OH NO

UH OH!!!!!!!!!!

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YIKES THAT'S A BAD WAY TO GO

OKAY HOLLY AND JOHN NO SMOOCHING

PLEASE GOD DON'T LET THIS BE THE HARD BIT

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John: -mouthing- Powell...
Al: -Nods and smiles-

EXCUSE ME THIS IS THE MOST ROMANTIC THING I'VE SEEN IN MY LIFE

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I'M NOT EVEN JOKING HE LOOKED AT POWELL WITH MORE LOVE THAN HE EVER LOOKED AT HOLLY WITH

EXCUSE ME PLEASE TELL ME MOVIE TWO IS DIE HARD 2 EVEN HARDER OR SOMETHING AND IT'S JUST THESE TWO GUYS BEING EVEN MORE GAY

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YOU KNOW I'LL GO IN FOR OT4 AL CAN BRING HIS WIFE WE CAN HAVE THEM ALL IN A POLYAMORY LOVE NEST I'M VERY GOOD WITH THAT

WHERE'S. THE. FIC.

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JESUS CHRIST CARL POPPED BACK UP LIKE A FUCKING ZOMBIE

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GOD JESUS CHRIST

okay powell shooting carl does not undo your backstory of shooting a kid but by god i thought you were about to die there

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ARGYLE IS BACK AND HOLLY JUST PUNCHED THE REPORTER IN THE FACE

LIFE IS GOOD

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OH FUCK

HANS WAS ALAN RICKMAN?!

FUCK I FORGOT TO LOOK OUT FOR HIM I WAS SO FOCUSED ON JASON!

OKAY THIS MOVIE WAS INCREDIBLY GOOD ACTUALLY. Surprisingly gay, VERY action, MUCH christmas. 10/10. THANK YOU FOR JOINING ME!

110/110 #YubiViews

https://twitter.com/uzbadyubi/status/1216074079209263104?s=20

what fucking movie did i think this was with jason statham though

the mysteries never cease