Thread by @xuenay

@nickcammarata Thank you making the possibility of that state this explicit. Now I'm motivated to get there as well.

@nickcammarata Initial stab at this: what's my first reaction if I imagine myself in such a state?

Parts start piping up with objections. Saying "you don't deserve that", "what would [person] think", etc. So one of the steps: get familiar with & address those objections.

@nickcammarata Another issue: what would it feel like in practice? This is often one of my problems directing metta at myself: who/where is the "me" I should orient it at?

But could work at it from other direction. "You don't deserve it" also implies a me. How does _that_ feeling manifest?

@nickcammarata Notice it manifests as a narrow patch of physical sensation and some imagery in my lower back. Examining it helps better remember that when I do feel good about myself, it's a similar-in-kind physical sensation + mental imagery, but broader and more pleasant.

@nickcammarata The thing about having giddy expectation about going on a walk with yourself also feels interesting. So let's look at - what does the experience of expecting to go on a walk with someone I have a crush on feel like?

@nickcammarata There's the other person's felt sense, which feels good to think of. Lots of mental images of them. Anticipate feeling a softness in my body. Images of the walk, a sensation of being connected. Thinking of falling into a natural rhythm with little inhibitions or self-censoring.

@nickcammarata Now can I imagine being on a walk and having those kinds of experiences directed at myself?

... oh hey objecting parts, you popped up in force! Lots of you around here today. :D

Definitely need to work with these guys first. But them showing up suggests I'm on to something.

@nickcammarata Btw thanks to @mattgoldenberg for doing an experiential interview about my writing process before, I feel like I used some of the same mental moves here that he had me do. ("What are you doing while writing, what's the thing that lets you know you're on the right track?")

@nickcammarata So the externalizing move from IFS seems useful here, whenever I notice myself doing something, react to it with positive feelings kind of like an external thing. I just recently wrote about that.

( kajsotala.fi/2020/10/public… )

@nickcammarata When I have a crush on someone, there's that stage where everything about them is wonderful, like they could sit down and I'd be like OH YOU SAT DOWN THAT'S SO WONDERFUL YOU ARE SO GREAT AT SITTING DOWN. Just had some of that towards my own parts: OH YOU HAD A THOUGHT WONDERFUL.

@nickcammarata That suggests another dimension: I can be around someone out of sheer curiosity about them. I could also be curious about my own mind and what it's going to produce next.

Often get new ideas while writing, suggesting that writing could become an exercise in self-love.

@nickcammarata This general approach of "what do I feel towards others, now how to turn it towards myself" feels promising.

@nickcammarata Some of my friends have children who I'm fond of. I realize there's an element there of wanting to see what they'll grow up to be like, to see how they'll realize their potential.

Could also wonder that about myself. How will [aspect of me] turn out with time? Want to see that!

@nickcammarata And not just *see* but also foster that part of me and encourage its growth and see what I can do to help it unlock its full potential.

@nickcammarata Doing this, I notice in myself a certain... sense of waiting, feeling that this should lead to an ability to relax. "When is it enough, when do I get to relax." Sometimes notice this in the company of other people too - "yeah we are doing well but when do we... [something]."

@nickcammarata Expect it's related to some trauma, of a part that feels it needs... something, before it can relax. Still haven't quite found out what. Hopefully soon!